mid life? cry, sis!
I was today years old when I found out “Islands in the Stream” is about passing a kidney stone!
I never realised Pootie Tang was about the average Chicago Bears fan
When did we stop saying “feed & seed” and start saying “wine, dine & 69”?
Why are people *in* a movie but *on* a tv show? distract a lady from my dick call that missederection
The 90’s: Claire Forlani 🥰 Shannon Sossamon 😍😍 Ione Skye 😘😘😘
2025: Syndey Sweener??? 😔Hopper from Stranger Thing?🤮 iPhone 17 💀💀
BREAKING: RuPaul did a death drop and cracked her bald head open like a par boiled egg on the red carpet for Chris Pratt’s new AI Thriller ‘Mercy’
I volunteer
Oh sorry guys I can’t make it tonight I’l don’t wanna miss the premiere of Fearing The Walking Dead Tales: Daryl Dixon vs The Dead City pt. 2 - The Book of Carol Dixon City
They should invent a McRib you can eat with your hands
ShelDon’t
If I misbehaved as a kid my mom would put my gummy multivitamins in the freezer until they got hard and stuck in my throat when I tried to swallow them and she’d say “this is basically the same as what you do to me when you act like a twerp”. I still get brainfreeze when I eat haribo worms.
Me in the corner of your kitchen at 5am high off my nut on pingers after yelling at you for 2 hours about how we should totally open our own bar
once on a school trip I came out of the bathroom in an NYC train station and did the ace Ventura ‘do NOT go in there!!’ bit but it was because I had seen a homeless man stabbing his friend in there and was scared
got so drunk at tgi Fridays they kicked me out for filling up the diaper changing station with piss I thought it was a urinal until I tried to flush it with my sons leg
A torpedo in the air but it’s got a smiley face on the front of it.
A 55 year old woman riding a Vespa- the twist? She’s Sicilian.
Chuck E. Cheese shaking hands with Wendy while Grimace lies disemboweled on the ground in front of them. Welcome to the haunted theatre of the mind. Enjoy the show. 😈
I must be getting old cause I’m seeing videos of some of the people running for congress these days and I’m like why they kinda bad tho
Plumbing is so Bouba
🫱 🫲 ❓
As John Fogerty once said,
Big wheels keep on toynen
Proud Mary keep on boynion
on my date last night I tried to do that cute thing where you blow the paper wrapping from the plastic straw at somebody but I did the wrong end and shot the straw right into her eye and scratched her cornea 🙁
the national guard showed up to Chicago looking like they unsuccessfully tried to Captain America Kyle Rittenhouse
Sabrina Carpenter: My lips are so sweet you might lose your tongue 😜
Chappel Roan: My pussy is an ogre’s foot 👹
Literally every single time I hear somebody use the phrase ‘chomping at the bit’ this fuckin guy pops into my head
My dad was a thought leader and my mom was a sex worker so please forgive me for thinking with my dick
Men are simple creatures, we only really want three things: French Fries, Criterion Closet, Posu'gelka-pattern needler from Halo with Subanese Crystalline Shards
Moms will be like “Heard this the other day, I think you’ll really like it” and it’s The Scientist by Coldplay
prank show where you break into peoples houses with a high pressure power washer and just start blastin’
Pedro Pascal would do it but be like “whaaaat? Why is everyone laughing??? What is it???” about it
