Cop: any drugs in the car?
Me: not anymore
Worked out by running from a bee.
if any of you nerds are getting married, i do a very short ceremony and i swear a lot
Oh no, someone's set the weather dial to Pathetic Fallacy again.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. That distance is mandated by court order.
when I die, my first stop will be to the park where Elvis does whippets
(the gas, not the dog)
i miss when the prospect of a texas-sized asteroid seemed scary
ahumminahumminahummina
I think we should be able to punch a coworker in the face when they deserve it.
*shaves my pubic hair into porkchop sideburns
found a full sleeve of ritz crackers in the pocket of my raincoat which may be the homeliest thing i ever said in my life
i wish bears could drive i’d really like to be driven around by a bear
tickle your taint for a tuppence, good sir?
Well, well. Look who thinks they’re so important, MR. OBITUARY?
Out of red flags because laundry day so that’s a traffic cone in my pants.
could a clinically depressed person do this!?
*cries for three hours on an unmade bed*
Raise your hand if you don't have me muted lol
The world is going to shit and social contracts still expect small talk. Aren't we suffering enough?
My skeets just got labeled high in protein may cause constipation
Sometimes I just repeatedly refresh my news app to see if it's happened yet. I have a bottle of bubbly ready for when it does
When I feel lonely, I do laundry and when I get the clothes out of the dryer, I get a big warm hug
I have a Sheryl Crow song stuck in my head and I wasn’t even at the grocery store.
Who me? Just munching a bag of Doritos and wondering if I could run for my life if I needed to.
If I had a mustache, I’d have handlebars cause I’m fancy like that.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
Earlier this week I hit a man with the “well actually” and I’ve been chasing that high ever since
People are so fucking weird.
you ain’t nothing but a horndog or whatever elvis said
Um, Reese’s cookie deliciousness. What else does one need?
A beacon of light in the darkness
