being middle-aged means you get excited about new toothpaste
03.03.2026 01:49 — 👍 17 🔁 5 💬 2 📌 0being middle-aged means you get excited about new toothpaste
03.03.2026 01:49 — 👍 17 🔁 5 💬 2 📌 0humans aren’t competition some of us are just existing
04.03.2026 03:53 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0Don't die on an anthill, bro.
04.03.2026 03:55 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0I hope my kids are looking forward to inheriting microplastics because at this rate that's all I'm going to have to leave for them
04.03.2026 03:53 — 👍 21 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0country fried steak is just regular steak that took too much acid and came down redneck. with gravy.
03.03.2026 21:13 — 👍 32 🔁 6 💬 4 📌 0other than being stale and wet, this rice cake tastes like shit.
03.03.2026 22:53 — 👍 50 🔁 10 💬 4 📌 0i’m in a pseudosituantionship with myself and one of me has no problem with that.
04.03.2026 00:25 — 👍 23 🔁 6 💬 3 📌 0A muscle twitch on my knee cap is new and interesting.
04.03.2026 02:34 — 👍 14 🔁 6 💬 6 📌 0Find someone who not only welcomes your sex toys into the bedroom, but gives them all nicknames too
04.03.2026 03:14 — 👍 10 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0I’m starting my daylight saving time rage a week early so I’m properly prepared.
03.03.2026 00:55 — 👍 142 🔁 36 💬 6 📌 0My ex said she'd love me until the end of time, which turned out to be about 3 months.
03.03.2026 12:44 — 👍 123 🔁 51 💬 4 📌 0When I shake my ass it isn’t art or seduction, it’s probably a medical emergency.
04.03.2026 03:37 — 👍 13 🔁 4 💬 1 📌 0
Corporate America: “Be authentic.”
Also corporate America: “But in Excel.”
Going to start using the word whilst just to piss people off.
04.03.2026 03:24 — 👍 62 🔁 13 💬 10 📌 0Bet you can’t stop at just one catastrophe.
04.03.2026 02:44 — 👍 20 🔁 9 💬 0 📌 0Why is it indecent for women to be topless but not for men, when we look better with our shirts off?
04.03.2026 01:51 — 👍 96 🔁 11 💬 19 📌 2mood: down for whatever, but only with you
04.03.2026 00:32 — 👍 9 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0sorry we’re out of water, can i interest u in a sprite
04.03.2026 00:20 — 👍 14 🔁 2 💬 4 📌 0folding my draft into an airplane and crashing it into the side of my trash bin
03.03.2026 17:52 — 👍 80 🔁 25 💬 7 📌 0The on, the off, and the intermittent.
03.03.2026 23:39 — 👍 21 🔁 13 💬 0 📌 0Offering my blood to the moon tonight
03.03.2026 15:33 — 👍 7 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0Every time we talk I get a contact high.
26.02.2026 14:38 — 👍 21 🔁 16 💬 0 📌 0How far is too far gone asking willingly.
03.03.2026 23:29 — 👍 26 🔁 10 💬 5 📌 1I don’t check my emails. Let fame find me at my door.
04.03.2026 00:35 — 👍 11 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 0ARE YOU A TERRORIST, CHRIS? NO I AM A SAGITTARIUS. I PROMISE YOU THIS ISN'T EVEN THE STUPIDEST THING I AM GOING TO YELL AT YOU TODAY.
03.03.2026 22:40 — 👍 86 🔁 28 💬 5 📌 0*sensing a single loose hair somewhere on my body* I am superhuman
01.03.2026 15:58 — 👍 158 🔁 40 💬 4 📌 0Dishes that make it into the dishwasher without my assistance is some kind of miracle.
03.03.2026 23:37 — 👍 19 🔁 8 💬 0 📌 1And then our boss talked about work-life balance, and we laughed and laughed and laughed
04.03.2026 01:19 — 👍 54 🔁 14 💬 1 📌 0It’s good to go 19th-century from time to time. I have been obsessing about the length of candle wicks, for example.
26.02.2026 13:51 — 👍 123 🔁 36 💬 12 📌 0Yes, yes your breasts are splendid but do you interpret Armageddon as a literal event or a symbolic progression of the world toward its inevitable end?
03.03.2026 13:01 — 👍 143 🔁 42 💬 7 📌 1