acyt vent acc

will i actualyl do it, or will i pussy out again?

im thinking those bad thoughts again

everybodys' lives are going to shit, and i dont know what to do. I cant even help because my life is also going to shit,
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkk
i want to help so bad,
im so sorry everyone
truly,
im so sorry

I almost made a mistake last night that I would've regretted.
I'm never letting myself get this low again.

all of a sudden, my mental health became bad. like REALLY fucking bad. bad to the point where I considered self harm, and speaking as someone who has survived multiple attempts, I never wanted my mental health to stoop low enough to self harm

I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I need help. now.

Dude he already rejected me... He will never look at me the same way... Why do I keep dreaming about him...?

this art by AxyUsagi on twt genuinely represents me so fucking much when it comes to relationships

it's crazy how fast my emotions will just switch up
all it took is one interaction today, and now I'm fucking depressed !

it's gotten to the point where it directly contributes to my insecurities
where if I dm someone and they don't respond, I immediately assume they hate me

the more and more I think about it, I realize how much of an attention-whore I am.
Like I require constant contact with people, otherwise I feel alone, even if I'm not interacting with people for 5 minutes.
It's gotten to the point where I've straight up asked people to dm me.
Somethings wrong w/ me

i completely and utterly hate myself
i hate how i look
i hate who i am
i hate my hobbies
i hate everything about me
and i dont know why
i shrug off every single compliment that heads my way as just someone being kind, because i dont believe i deserve the compliment
what the fuck is wrong with me

i just be crying in vc and you wont know until you look at my camera

for context this is me about partners

its time for me to be depressed over the same reason for the 12th time this month

i then state my message for the world, in which why im doing what im doing, more likely for not due to political reasons, and that what i am doing is for a message
to change the system
the country
i would urge people to download the stream once its done to help spread my message
and then
i fall.

🧵 i think about death a lot
in particular, mine,
If i were to plan my last day on this earth, where by my action, it would be my last day, i know what i would do
i would start a livestream on youtube, entitled "finale", where i leave last messages to those most important to me...

me when the "I fucking hate you and hope you die bill" that plans to cut my foodstamps and insurance gets passed

every single one of my family members now have lost their jobs. we are all fucked.

as of recently, i think ive been more "attention-seeker-y" if that makes sense
where i need to have constant human contact with someone, and if i have nobody to talk to, i get depressed
i think it might be a really unhealthy coping mechanism for all of the stuff happening to me rn

my insurance is fucking gone and theyre cutting my foodstamps in half in 6 months

if the government wants me to die so bad ill just kms at this point

maybe i should be a therapist

Why am I so good at helping others, yet I struggle to help myself?
Ive helped multiple people recover from stuff mentally, and yet I can never do it to myself.
maybe its because I torture myself constantly that I can help others
maybe it lies in my self worth again, where i prioritize others over me

i think about it daily, and it just keeps getting worse and worse
its a neverending cycle of torture, and im just the little plaything for the demons prodding me
im just hoping one of the prods is the finishing blow that ends it all

i dont know what i want anymore
i want something
i *crave* something
but im not sure what
the more i talk about issues when it comes to relationships, the more i realize i really need a person to hold
a person to rest my head on
a person to trust completely
but im terrified
and theres nobody for me

actually my therapist saying i have 0 self worth might be right

i think i rely too much on others' feelings, to the point where i actively harm myself for them, taking on scenarios i dont like, influencing myself to do stuff i dont want
and its no fault of them, its my fault for doing it in the first place
for putting myself in harms way for them
im sorry

i think the reason im so flirty towards people is because how emotionally vulnerable i am when it comes to relationships
i flirt with people "jokingly" as, what i could best describe as, a coping mechanism for my lack of partnership

i think, and i think, and i think
and each time it harms me
i torture myself
and for what
what purpose does it serve

acyt.lol/blog/06-27-2...

the fact that nobody wants me destroys me even more
nobody i ask says so
nobody asks me
so it is so

silence is deafening. moreso than now.
all of my thoughts and feeling are coming to a head
and im afraid to reach out personally