Your cat when you're choking to death in your apartment

Let that sink in for a sec.

Jesus Christ it's getting so I'm scared to turn on the TV in the morning.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, "what's the word on the street?"

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

What did the convicted cannibal request as his last meal?

Five guys

For weeks now, my teenager has been pushing me into giant flower pots, throwing seeds on me, and dousing me with water.

I finally had it and said, “Why do you treat me like dirt??”

What do you call vegan bbq ribs?

Fibs

Here's a classic

My son asked if trees poop?

I said “of course, how do you think we get number two pencils?”

I thought the word “Caesarean” started with the letter S, but when I looked it up in the dictionary,

it was in the C section.

What do doctors do for people obsessed with yachts?

Prescribe anti-buy-yachtics.

I asked my daughter, “What’s a Mountain Dew?”

She answered, “As far as I know, it just sits there.”

I think I'll head over to BYU and see if I can find myself a NCMO session. BYU chicks seriously dig an immortal dude.