every cat has main character syndrome and every dog is super stoked to be player two

hey girl, are you ahead of me in line at the deli counter? cause i would love to have your number

Guy: So we're gonna have (3 different systems) at this desk.

Me: They can't share payment devices. So ... three credit card readers?

Guy: Would that be confusing?

Me: No. Two would be confusing. Three is sketch comedy.

Guy on site: Is that a 3/4 conduit?

Me: It looks like it.

Guy: We're gonna need 1" right?

Me: *nods sagely* Yeah, I think so.

(I don't know what the conduit is for.)

not being able to eat something called a zamboni just feels wrong

OUTLOOK: You replied to this message on 5/22/2025 11:44 AM.

ME: Oh that's really helpful actually. Can I see the reply?

OUTLOOK: What reply?

ME: The reply I sent to the message.

OUTLOOK: What message?

He developed a strong Aussie accent because kids in Australia made fun of him and called him Yank.

Good morning to whom it may concern.

specific maguffin aside ("TEH AUTOPEN") what they are doing here is laying the groundwork for undoing a previous president's orders due to mental incapacitation and we'll see how that bold strategy eventually works out for them I guess

It was fine.

Every conversation with two Texans about food:

T1: You should go to Restaurant 1. They got the best brisket burger in the world.

Me: That sounds good.

T2: Yeah it's great. Restaurant 2 is really good too. You could go there.

T1: Oh yeah, their Texas brisketburger is the best in the world.

The best thing about visiting a construction site for a week is ... I'm sure there's something.

The fuckery is starting early today. Good morning! 🩷

if you have a slot for letters in your front door you technically live inside a mailbox

Trump Says He Won’t Rule Out Third Reich

Trump Says He Won’t Rule Out Third Reich

[donut shop]
Boss: I finally did it
Worker: You sold secretly MDMA-laced donuts to customers??
Boss: Just a couple

[squad car]
Cop: I wanna be firm with perps but detached, without anger
Cop2: Your wisdom's a gift. I'm so lucky I'm your partner
Cop: I'M THE LUCKY ONE

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

I've had enough, just store me in the Svalbard vault like one of those frozen seeds of yours

First they came for my oatmeal and now this.

Bernie, Zohran and AOC on stage.

Thank you, New York City.

Now let’s win.

I like this and agree with it but Guillermo del Toro is quickly becoming the world’s number one source of inspirational quotes we can post on Facebook as we age into embarrassing aunt and uncle ages, gonna embroider that shit onto a pillow and paint it on an old wooden board

So it's true. My sourdough starter isn't going to make it?

I think if they wanted me to be calm, they wouldn't be spying on me. Next thing you know they're going to send me videos about people traumatized by "The Birds" and ladies who think we're having too good of a time over at our table.

I'm not sure. I was too busy googling, "How to keep your Google Phone from spying on you." Google says it's not a problem though.

First thing on my YouTube feed? Fostered Japanese river otters. No joke.

finally AI comes for my job, a guy who writes erotica containing heavy use of the phrase “as a result”

Spicy em dashes abound.

Headline reads: Altman says ChatGPT will soon allow erotic for adult users.

You gently run your hand through the rack. You can feel it—pure cotton, rich wool, Irish linen. The plump buttonholes are handsewn; the buttons attached with a firm shank. You flip the price tag over. It's affordable

You buy the jacket and go home, which is only 15 mins away. Your apt is $600/month

Ya gotcher newn and midnoit, so quitcher whoinnin!

All my years of ninja training finally paid off when I was able to open a pull top can without alerting my cats