"Lightly Salted" is the methadone of the Pringles family.

The cultural impact of Rob Reiner cannot be understated. Legend isn't big enough a word. It goes to 11. You can't handle the truth. As you wish. I'll have what she's having. I'm your number one fan. You guys wanna see a dead body? The very idea of a bucket list. The West Wing.

All from his movies.

Almost told you about the cottage cheese lasagna in my oven right now bec I grabbed that instead of ricotta so now it's fresh mozzarella, oregano leaves, & fucking cottage cheese because although I am a stupid idiotic stupidface at least I persevere so that's something but no it's too embarrassing.

Peking ducks are just regular ducks except they cheat at hide n' seek. Thanks for following.

Sure, I'm iconoclastic* and edgy* because I'm not on Facebook or IG, but over the holidays I find myself checking old AOL accounts that I never deactivated in case anyone from the past wants to get in touch. Your way is simpler.

*actual words said out loud to my face 🙄

I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant.

They banh mi pho life.

Some days you're the decoratively-painted windshield, some days you're the bah humbug

TJMaxx is what aliens imagine a Target is probably like.

every cat has main character syndrome and every dog is super stoked to be player two

hey girl, are you ahead of me in line at the deli counter? cause i would love to have your number

Guy: So we're gonna have (3 different systems) at this desk.

Me: They can't share payment devices. So ... three credit card readers?

Guy: Would that be confusing?

Me: No. Two would be confusing. Three is sketch comedy.

Guy on site: Is that a 3/4 conduit?

Me: It looks like it.

Guy: We're gonna need 1" right?

Me: *nods sagely* Yeah, I think so.

(I don't know what the conduit is for.)

not being able to eat something called a zamboni just feels wrong

OUTLOOK: You replied to this message on 5/22/2025 11:44 AM.

ME: Oh that's really helpful actually. Can I see the reply?

OUTLOOK: What reply?

ME: The reply I sent to the message.

OUTLOOK: What message?

He developed a strong Aussie accent because kids in Australia made fun of him and called him Yank.

Good morning to whom it may concern.

specific maguffin aside ("TEH AUTOPEN") what they are doing here is laying the groundwork for undoing a previous president's orders due to mental incapacitation and we'll see how that bold strategy eventually works out for them I guess

It was fine.

Every conversation with two Texans about food:

T1: You should go to Restaurant 1. They got the best brisket burger in the world.

Me: That sounds good.

T2: Yeah it's great. Restaurant 2 is really good too. You could go there.

T1: Oh yeah, their Texas brisketburger is the best in the world.

The best thing about visiting a construction site for a week is ... I'm sure there's something.

The fuckery is starting early today. Good morning! 🩷

if you have a slot for letters in your front door you technically live inside a mailbox

Trump Says He Won’t Rule Out Third Reich

[donut shop]
Boss: I finally did it
Worker: You sold secretly MDMA-laced donuts to customers??
Boss: Just a couple

[squad car]
Cop: I wanna be firm with perps but detached, without anger
Cop2: Your wisdom's a gift. I'm so lucky I'm your partner
Cop: I'M THE LUCKY ONE

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

I've had enough, just store me in the Svalbard vault like one of those frozen seeds of yours

First they came for my oatmeal and now this.

Thank you, New York City.

Now let’s win.

I like this and agree with it but Guillermo del Toro is quickly becoming the world’s number one source of inspirational quotes we can post on Facebook as we age into embarrassing aunt and uncle ages, gonna embroider that shit onto a pillow and paint it on an old wooden board