Omnibus Out of Context

My mom said that my dad never ate a vegetable that he didn’t have to. I think my dad wanted a pork chop every day if he could get it, and there was nobody there to stop him.

I think if you tried ayahuasca, you would feel something.

One floating hot guy would really change a lot of historical meetings.

You’re speaking in tongues, but the language is from Mars.

There was a time in American history you could just live under a rock.

My great-grandfather was a judge, I think, because he was a justice o’ the peace, somewhere on the Oregon Trail. And then he got to Seattle and nobody could tell whether he was or not.

I would ask a woman faster than a man — almost any question. Because the guy‘s going to be like, “Uh… I don’t know, which one's radder?”

We’re still part of that culture where you can say something and not believe it.

That’s what dooms conspiracy theories: when you see somebody who actually does feel like one of the smarts who could be pulling all the strings, and then you realize — well, they’re just a dope who was in the right place at the right time, mostly.

I love to learn new untrue things. What a great use of my time.

Have you ever once heard somebody, in recent years, back off of their super-conviction that things are not what they seem?

There was not no evidence that they weren’t.

I put people to sleep all across the country with the dulcet tones.

J: This is Jack the Ripper fog, except it’s robot fog.

K: Oh, that’s the worst kind of fog.

J: 99% of college theses don’t change the world at all. “The Hermeneütics of Calvin and Hobbes.”

K: Did you put an umlaut in hermeneutics? A bit like a Muppet for one syllable.

If I had a bunch of adrenal glands of children, there are probably more interesting things I could do than power the Democratic Party. It’s not even top 10.

What if your mattress was made out of babies that had been fattened? Like corn-fattened babies.

That’s the problem with most conspiracy: life is super boring and people are not that smart.

Once again, your life is in 1910.

I can’t imagine, at any point in my life, arriving at a place where there wasn’t something to talk about.

That’s what my bell is now for. It’s for when I hear about an unapproved prank.

Vancouver Island is the New Zealand of the Northern Hemisphere.

I sit around all day trying to dream up content — and that’s why I’ve opened a new channel where I just do makeup tutorials.

Alex kind of had a personality that you can imagine him really interacting well with penguins.

It’s like Disneyland Main Street for railroad tycoons.

I lived in a car multiple times, and I’ve always assumed that’s how I would end.

Remember, you need to read this as "millionAIRE"

If you mug a thousand people and take a thousand dollars, you're a millionaire!

Don’t you have the internal satisfaction that comes from not owning crypto?

Of the two of us, I have definitely thrown more Molotov cocktails.