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The grief has been so thick this past weekend and I feel like all the days leading up to his death anniversary are going to be hard.

From 2 days ago till sept 21 is going to be so hard, my body knows that 6.5 weeks was the hardest of my life and ended in the hardest death I have had to live through. I miss him every day.

It’s been a year now since dad went into the hospital with a broke hip and spent 6.5 weeks in the hospital and then died. Not from the fall cause he did amazing with that and was recovering but I believe from poor care by the doctors there leading to his death because they didn’t listen to us.

My kids going back to school is really going to fuck with me after the chill summer have have had. As much as they may drive me crazy being home all the time the crazy of the school year and lack of sleep on my part is worse.

Today in the light of day, after dozens of times since that night driving those same roads, I flashed back to that exact moment and feelings. Fuck grief and death, it’s so hard.

I was crying Pleading with the universe to let me get there,to let my mom get there, to save him cause this wasn’t supposed to happen it wasn’t fair! 🧵

Speeding through the night as fast as I safely could go at 11:30 at night. Screaming out into the void “daddy please stay with us please don’t die I need you”. Begging God to help him save him. something! 🧵

Today I was driving to my in law house which I have done dozens or more time since dad past. It is the same route I took to get to the hospital Dad was at before he died.
But today I was suddenly reminded of the frantic middle of the night drive trying to get to my dads side the night he died. 🧵

Hey dad,
You’ll be proud and happy to know that Mom got a new car, one she can get in and out of better. B came down to help with that. Not seeing you car in the garage anymore is going to be really hard. You aren’t your car but not having that thing of yours feels hard. I wish you were here.

My mom sold my dads car and I’m surprisingly emotional about it.

I need to eat, my stomach is growling, but my neurodivergent brain will not let me make any food like the demand is too great and the steps too many. I have no food right not that is throw together or ready to eat.

Thank you, I’m hoping something like that is the case, I’m coming into an already established group of people who have been playing for awhile and lost a player so I feel very out of place. But I’m trying!

In other news I started playing DnD in a new campaign with strangers not people I know. I hope it works out so we will see. I feel very out of my element but either way I joined a few of online communities on discord to try and maybe make some new friends online.

F grief damn it really can hit your full force for no reason with no warning.

Nothing makes me feel fancier right now then washing my cloths in my own house after a week of hauling them out multiple days to get everything washed. We have a working washer!

I really dislike people, or people who take my direct literal brain and take it as some kind of aggression. Like no I’m just very literal and am learning to unmask more so that makes me more direct in interaction. People don’t like that, and I don’t like hiding who I am. #autistic

I have been without a washing machine for a week. If they can’t fix it today I’m going to lose my mind. I just want to do laundry in my own home again and not hauling it all over creation to get it washed.

I watched The Wild Robot with my kids, so good! But damn the emotional gut punch it gave me cause it hit a lot of my feelings as a parent and my grief of losing my dad.

Omg that’s so cute!! Ok more places need to do that it makes so fun and interesting.

You know what “fun” about trauma, no matter how much therapy you have, none of it goes away. All the triggers and pain are still there, and can hit you in a second bowling you over. Your never truly “healed” you just know you don’t have to drown in it and learning the coping skills to deal with it.

That’s beautiful! Love the tiny T. rex!!

I got the COOLEST Mother’s Day gift from spouse and kids. I do not feel cool enough to have a loungefly backpack this cool, it even lights up! It’s Truly Outrageous!

I hope maybe you can go to the movies in her honor.

I got curious and like 2 minutes after I started watching the live feed there was black smoke. For once I have good timing lol

I was watching dungeons and drag queens till I realized it was raining. I paused and now I’m just listening to it rain. Nothing is more calming than a good rain.

What movies? I don’t mind being spoiled if that is a concern.

Some people say they get signs from their loved ones who passed something they see that is somehow associated with that loved one. I wish I had that for sure a sign I know is from dad.

You have my attention if you ever want to talk. I know this feeling.

In the end, after a lot of tears, and some cuddles. I was able to figure find the exact random 21 year old dvd it was and found it on YouTube.

Grief can present itself so different in kids. My youngest was having a bad day a lot of big feelings. When I asked what would be comforting for her she got upset cause all she really wanted was to watch a dvd that she would watch with my dad or in his car on trips, she missed him.