The Phantom Tollbooth Quotes

Norton Juster predicting dril

“But that’s just as bad,” protested Milo.

“You mean just as good,” corrected the Humbug. “Things which are equally bad are also equally good. Try to look at the bright side of things.”

“To be sure, too much too quickly. I most certainly should have eaten too little too slowly, or too much too slowly, or too little too quickly, or taken all day to eat nothing, or eaten everything in no time at all, or occasionally eaten something any time, or perhaps I should have——”

“I wouldn’t eat too many of those if I were you,” advised Tock. “They may look good, but you can get terribly sick of them.”

“Don’t worry,” Milo replied; “I’ll just wrap one up for later,” and he folded his napkin around “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST.”

“Half-baked ideas are very tasty,” explained the Humbug, “but they don’t always agree with you. Here’s one that’s very good.” He handed it to Milo and, through the icing and nuts, Milo saw that it said, “THE EARTH IS FLAT.”

“People swallowed that one for years,” commented the Spelling Bee

Ah, now we know where he gets his ideas!

“By royal command the pastry chefs have worked all night in the half bakery to make sure that——”

“The half bakery?” questioned Milo.

“Of course, the half bakery,” snapped the king. “Where do you think half-baked ideas come from?

“Here, try some somersault,” suggested the duke. “It improves the flavor.”

“Have a rigmarole,” offered the count, passing the breadbasket.

“Or a ragamuffin,” seconded the minister.

“Perhaps you’d care for a synonym bun,” suggested the duke.

“Why not wait for your just desserts?” mumbled the earl

“Dig in,” said the king, looking disapprovingly at Milo’s plate. “I can’t say that I think much of your choice.”

“I didn’t know that I was going to have to eat my words,” objected Milo.

“Of course, of course, everyone here does,” the king grunted. “You should have made a tastier speech.”

A server holding a large platter of steaming hot squares

Without thinking, Milo quickly suggested, “well, in that case, I think we ought to have a square meal of——”

“A square meal it is,” shouted the Humbug again.

The king clapped his hands once more and the waiters reappeared carrying plates heaped high with steaming squares of all sizes and colors.

lol imagine a cabinet this competent

A banquet table with assorted guests, including Milo and Tock, and King Azaz

“Why, my cabinet members can do all sorts of things. The duke here can make mountains out of molehills. The minister splits hairs. The count makes hay while the sun shines. The earl leaves no stone unturned. And the undersecretary hangs by a thread. Can’t you do anything at all?”

Assorted guests at a large banquet table, all looking tired and annoyed

Everyone seemed quite grumpy about having to wait for lunch, and they were all relieved to see the tardy guests arrive.

King Azaz the unabridged: a large, old, round king sitting on a throne, wearing a crown

There was an ear-shattering blast of trumpets, entirely off key, and a page announced to the startled guests:

“KING AZAZ THE UNABRIDGED.”

The king strode through the door and over to the table and settled his great bulk onto the throne, calling irritably, “Places, everyone. Take your places.”

He climbed into the wagon with Tock and the cabinet members. “How are you going to make it move? It doesn’t have a——”

“Be very quiet,” advised the duke, “for it goes without saying.”

I feel like the Phantom Tollbooth missed a trick by not calling Dictionopolis the "Capital City"

“We’ll banish them from the kingdom forever.”

And so they were taken from the palace and sent far away to the Castle in the Air, and they have not been seen since. That is why today, in all this land, there is neither Rhyme nor Reason.

After days of careful consideration in which all the evidence was weighed and the witnesses heard, they made their decision:

Words and numbers are of equal value, for, in the cloak of knowledge, one is warp and the other woof. It is no more important to count the sands than it is to name the stars.

Then one day they had the most terrible quarrel of all. King Azaz insisted that words were far more significant than numbers and hence his kingdom was truly the greater, and the Mathemagician claimed that numbers were much more important than words and hence his kingdom was supreme.

Two tall, elegant princesses with tiaras and long, flowing gowns

It was said by everyone that “Rhyme and Reason answer all problems.”

The kingdom was divided between his two sons, with the provision that they would be equally responsible for the welfare of the young princesses. One son went south and became Azaz the Unabridged, king of Dictionopolis, and the other went north and became the Mathemagician, ruler of Digitopolis.

They were beautiful golden-haired girls.

“We’ll call this one Rhyme and this one Reason,” he said, and so they became the Princess of Sweet Rhyme and the Princess of Pure Reason and were brought up in the palace.

“Words are more important than wisdom,” said one privately.

“Numbers are more important than wisdom,” thought the other to himself.

And they grew to dislike each other more and more.

One went south to the Foothills of Confusion and built Dictionopolis, the city of words; and one went north to the Mountains of Ignorance and built Digitopolis, the city of numbers.

The old woman, Fairly Macabre, knitting in a dark room

“Today people use as many words as they can and think themselves very wise for doing so. For always remember that while it is wrong to use too few, it is often far worse to use too many.”

Silence is golden

“I grew more and more miserly. Soon there were so few words chosen that hardly anything could be said, and even casual conversation became difficult. Again I had new signs posted, which said:”

Speak Fitly or Be Silent Wisely.

“And finally I had even these replaced by ones which read simply:”

An Ill-chosen Word Is the Fool’s Messenger.

“But power corrupts, and soon I grew miserly and chose fewer and fewer words, trying to keep as many as possible for myself. I had new signs posted which said:”

Brevity is the soul of whit, in fancy calligraphic font

“At first I did my best to make sure that only the most proper and fitting words were used. Everything was said clearly and simply and no words were wasted. I had signs posted all over the palace and market place which said:”

Milo and Tock in a dark prison cell, with a smiling elderly woman

“Don’t be frightened,” she laughed. “I’m not a witch—I’m a Which.”

“Oh,” said Milo, because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“I’m Faintly Macabre, the not-so-wicked Which,” she continued, “and I’m certainly not going to harm you.”

“You know something, Tock?” he said as he wound up the dog. “You can get in a lot of trouble mixing up words or just not knowing how to spell them. If we ever get out of here, I’m going to make sure to learn all about them.”