Pumpkin Mask Replica 🇦🇺

What if this series fixes whatever the fuck 2016 unleashed

My work colleague shaved off his Ted Lasso moustache and it turns out he was hiding the fullest sexy Squidward lips under there.

Just had a wet dream*

*dreamed of heartbreak so bad I woke myself up crying

Oops. It was spoiled for me decades before I saw it, and nobody ever told me it was even supposed to be a secret.

This kid is basically Gene Belcher. Constantly trying to show me his experimental ambient noise compositions. No boundaries. Talks about his bowel habits with zero shame.

No kissing for me. Someone at work made a joke about herpes and apparently it awakened the eldritch cold sore demon from its slumber in my spine.

They’re more of a “walking on lilypads” thing I think

If you think that foot’s creepy, I dare you to look up pictures of a comb-crested Jacana.

If you see this, quite with a robot that is not from Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who or Transformers.

Invited some nerdy year 9 students to come to Gaming Club and ended up having to tell one of them to put his shirt back on after he decided “strip Uno” was a thing. That was not on my bingo card for the week.

you gotta be sluttier with the reskeets when it’s slow around here. that’s your way of paying it forward

Hah! Joke’s on you! My heart was already broken

Letting my email inbox get to 666 unread messages as a Halloween treat.

Post something random or you’ll have an awful November

THIS IS THE EMPLOYMENT JELLY Drawing of a slime with a briefcase and pencil REBLOG WHENEVER THE HELL YOU LIKE AND YOU'LL GET A JOB THAT YOU LOVE AND DESERVE.

🕯️Manifesting 🕯️

a swan laying on its back in a hammock

you may be cool but are you "swan in a hammock" cool

If she identifies as a swan, that’s good enough for me. I don’t wanna hear any more from these haters here talking about what she supposedly “looks like” or “quacks like.” We protect the dolls.

My film nerd student brought up mean girls and I was like “you know what, I just rewatched ‘Girl, Interrupted’” and he was like “THEY’RE LIKE, THE EXACT SAME MOVIE!!” So now I feel a lot more sane.

Who decided to call it a “wet dream” instead of a “snoregasm?”

Is today a baseball?

This account is where I hide my jokes.

Dear men,
“Dad bod” is a useless descriptor if it includes everything from “a soft little bit of poochy belly” to “I haven’t seen my own dick since 2009”

Chips Rust. Sounds a butch bear daddy.

Bottlecap with the message less pants more banjo

Remember when we got philosophical insights from bottlecaps?

It’s queer adjacent.

Agreed. As for number 4, if someone can’t handle my gross fascination with releasing sebum, what else are they going to judge me for? They’re going to deny me my most primal preening impulse?

Requirements were:

1. Finds me hot
2. Can fuck
3. Laughs at my jokes
4. Lets me pop the zits on their back
5. Not an asshole

Now I gotta add boring shit like:

6. Honesty
7. Life isn’t a giant dumpster fire of their own making
8. Communicates needs in a healthy way

Ugh. I know this recent breakup means I have to raise my standards but that sounds like a lot of work.

this life crisis is mid