It’s really annoying that you’ve got to cut your toenails every ten or twelve months…
When a snarky college girl gets dragged to a deadly medieval world of monsters and magic, survival means more than just learning to swing a sword. She just wants to go back to Earth but keeps accidentally becoming a legend.
why toss and turn all night worrying about nothing when you can toss and turn all night worrying about taxes?
Dammit. Shot my eye out.
“Squirrel!”
Umm, so this tape don’t even taste like scotch.
2025 has been the longest five years of my life. Happy Festivus though!
Just for fun, wear a red polo to Target tomorrow and when anyone asks you a question tell them to fuck off. Or, point them toward the bathroom. Your call.
‘Sup
So I made a deal with my daughter. Cost me $40. When I die, she has to wait a month, then text everyone on my contact list… “Damn it’s hot down here.”
Pro Tip: wear your Apple Watch when rubbing one out. Tracks like you did a 30-minute sprint. You’re welcome
Just now getting around to giving away all my late wife’s things. It hasn’t been easy to—
Damn she just texted she’s finally on her way home. Oops.
It’s only 6pm?! Geez. Feels like it’s later…
Trick or Treat was last night but we had another kid show up tonight! He was dressed like an Amazon driver! He had a package for me and even had a van! Great costume! I might be drunk.
The problem with owning a sword is that you want to be able to use the sword.
HR: You can't bring a sword to work
But... what about Brenda? She keeps calling Thursday "Pre-Friday!"
I put my pants on the same way as everyone else. Only when I have to
Thinking of joining ice. But never ever actually doing anything. Seems to work for congress
I loaded the dishwasher correctly l, thus preventing an epic fight. Where’s my Peace Prize?
It's a sunny warm day, fluffy clouds in the sky. Great day for a walk.
ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘢. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.
And why most of us will never go to therapy:
- “Rub some dirt on it.”
- “I’ll give you something to cry about!”
- “Walk it off…”
- “Yer killin’ me, Smalls!”
Your attention please: This year, Fall in Ohio will finally happen on Oct 29th and last from 3-7:30pm. Winter will begin on Halloween.
My daughter made fresh homemade brownies. And has vanilla ice cream.
I can’t have any, but want some. Since you’ve read this, you want some too. But you don’t have any. Now I feel better.
Fall decorating and… done.
Support the First…
You’re not trying hard enough 🤣
And men men because… men
New book out. Urban paranormal fantasy. On kindle unlimited.
www.amazon.com/Pleasure-Car...
What I find most attractive in a man is that he completely ignores me
It’s like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you
My mom worked until she was 89 years old. She died a few years later. What I learned from this was that my mom worked way too much
