Kathy Flann

I love how old timey sports teams were named like Richard Scary captions — The White Sox, The Irish, The Cornhuskers, The Mud Hens

That thing where you forget to lock your phone, and it decides to show you a recipe for Cheesy Lasagna Beans.

Guess whose car clock is accurate again, you mofo’s.

Daylight Savings and Loan will not be taking questions today about its Moody’s rating.

Where the gold medals for Tara Lipinksi and Johnny Weir?? 👏👏 🥇

😂 Thanks, Michael!

What I hear when I watch the half pipe: “That’s an absolutely HUUUGGE double twisty pickle back with the yum-yum 5200 and — what? you kidding me?? — with a backside hot sack Sahara sleight of hand grab?!” I love it so much🥇💕😻

Pro tip for polishing off a 90-piece box of chocolates in a few days — return to the box every few hours because you’re basically a different person then who hasn’t had any chocolate yet.

a man in a suit and tie is sitting in a chair with his hands in the air Alt: a man in a suit and tie is sitting in a chair with his hands in the air

Happy Ford Truck Month I guess to those who celebrate.

The reason my dog and I seek couples counseling is that our values fundamentally differ about how much wild animal poop is okay to eat.

Pretty sure I’ll never “burst onto the scene.”

Procedural question — If AWP takes place in my home city, do I get to refer to all the stuff I do at my house as “off site events?”

Me for two weeks: “I’ll do that as soon as I can shovel my car out!”

My car:

a dog is laying on its back on a couch with viralhog written on the bottom right corner Alt: a dog is laying on its back on a couch with viralhog written on the bottom right corner

Whenever my husband comes home, there’s a parade, with children screaming and dogs zooming. But when I come home, it’s like:

The anesthesia team came into the pre-op area, like “Hi, here’s a small sedative to relax before we wheel you back. It’s like a glass of wine.” Next thing I know, I’m in recovery and my question is can I have this for the rest of the Trump administration?

Yes, I do know I should check my child’s pockets BEFORE the acorns start crashing around in the dryer.

That thing where you go to Pre-op for orthopedic surgery and realize you’ve found your people.

That thing where your dog takes you a certain route because he wants to check if that fried chicken is still there.

We’re not church-goers, and relatives said grace over the holidays, and now my 9yo says grace before his oatmeal in which he sends well wishes to all the cheetahs of the world.

Vaguely threatening messages from LOFT.

My 9yo says he’ll live in Florida when he grows up, where he’ll be employed making beds at his grandma’s.

It seems like “homely” should be a compliment.

🤣

Y’all, Elena Ferrante wants to share the creative journey with ME! 🤩

It’s a Narnia lamppost kind of day in Baltimore City.

I try to find one good thing about myself everyday — when I go to a new town, my first thought is never, “Ooh, gas is cheap here” does this count

I try to find one good thing about myself everyday — when I go to a new town, my first thought is never, “Ooh, gas is cheap here” does this count

I’m just a girl staring into a drawer deciding how big of a spoon I’ll use to eat Nutella.

The developmental phases are Preschool, Middle Childhood, and Destroyed by Charlotte’s Web.

a man with a mustache is standing next to a wall with the words tell me more below him Alt: a man with a mustache is standing next to a wall with the words tell me more below him

Me getting targeted ads for clothing "more comfy than pajamas"