Forgot Mother’s Day? No flowers or card? An all night garage could be your salvation. When you get there, fill your tank and keep driving. Flee. Make your way to a distant land and begin a new life under a different name. Pray to live out your days in miserable obscurity.
That doesn’t count. Ego te absolvo.
If you do only one thing today, that’s already too many. All of humanity’s problems are caused by people doing things. Do less.
If Caesar didn't want to be stabbed, she shouldn't have held controversial opinions and been walking alone through the Senate in a provocative toga. What? Julius? Oh, I thought you said Julia. No, Caesar was a brave, principled man who died fighting traitors. As you were.
MOTHER’S DAY IN AMERICA:
Omg I love you Mom you are the best mom in the universe I am supremely grateful for your beautiful, awesome, precious soul.
*hands over actual unicorn that farts diamonds*
MOTHER’S DAY IN UK:
Hi. Here’s a card from the petrol station. What’s for tea?
There has never been a better time to turn pale, rise abruptly from the dinner table, stare around wildly as if assailed by some eldritch vision of creeping horror, stride swiftly from the room without a backward glance, and vanish from the face of the earth.
Gesundheit
Never say Trump isn't generous. Having singlehandedly won a war, he's now inviting several other countries to come and help him win it again! Amazing.
Happy birthday to Albert Einstein, who revolutionised physics by disproving the theory of gravity with his hair.
Some of them already own safari parks so it’s an easy win.
They get paid to show up and they can snooze there all day so they don’t need to heat their own big houses. No wonder they don’t want to leave.
Please don't remove hereditary peers from the House of Lords. How will these fragile, exotic creatures, many of them elderly and confused, survive in the wild? Imagine their shock when confronted with ordinary people, public transport, and paying for things. It's just cruel.
"Beware the aisles of merch."
- soothsayer accosting Caesar on his way into a Taylor Swift concert.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day but give a monkey a beer and some fireworks and the weekend starts here.
Find another one quick
I miss the days when we worried about Friday 13th in case something bad happened.
Don’t wait until Mother’s Day to treat her well. Show her you care every day:
Tell her you love her.
Ensure she looks her best.
Lovingly brush her hair.
Include her in your everyday life.
Wheel her to the top of the stairs while you welcome the motel guest who just arrived all by herself.
A horse walks into a bar. Then another horse walks in, then more horses. Some of them nuzzle you as if they're hoping you have carrots. Others look at you like you shouldn't really be here. Ok, let's face it, this is more of a field than a bar. I'm probably lost, to be honest.
The London Book Fair is an amazing opportunity to see the entire global production of corduroy all in one place.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Some people are secretly at war with owls for example.
Plus a spare for special occasions.
But they’re all champs when it comes to Dunning-Kruger.
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Oil tankers on fire in the Strait of Hormuz. I've watched morons and sociopaths plunge the world into senseless wars. All those moments will be lost in time, like Donald Trump's few remaining brain cells shutting down. Fuck these idiots. Time to live.
Now the woke brigade want to put pictures of wildlife on English banknotes! I can remember when our currency was made of human teeth, each one engraved with the likeness of a hero such as Alfred the Great, Dick Whittington, Ronnie Biggs or Eddie (the eagle) Edwards. What has this country come to?
Same here. The post office is no good. Need to use the posthumous office.
Mother's Day soon, so don't forget to send a card. A mother likes to get a card. Although a visit would be nice. Or even just a phone call. But never mind, I know you’re busy. Don’t worry about me. Go ahead and enjoy yourself. I'll just sit here by myself. I'll probably be fine.
Just finished “Dead Writers in Rehab” by Paul Bassett Davies. Enjoyed it immensely, would recommend. @thewritertype.bsky.social
Thanks, I’m very pleased to hear you enjoyed it.
Have you always dreamed of owning a private island? A reminder on International Bagpipe Day that any island can be a private island if you have enough patience and a set of bagpipes.
Yeah, yeah. Don’t start.
