Paul Bassett Davies

Getting the usual complaints about my front lawn Nativity tableau from people claiming it's not customary to depict the actual moment of birth.

If the police want facial recognition cameras to benefit the public, give them to old people watching TV:
"Isn’t he the one from that film ? David somebody?"
"You’re thinking of whatsisname. But the woman is in that TV thing."
"No, that’s the other one. The tall one.”
"But she’s had work done."

Be the reason someone will never again dare to ask “where did you last see them?” when you say you’re looking for your keys.

Don’t even think about it

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to persuade children to write letters to Santa. Kids these days simply refuse to believe in the existence of letters.

Write the book you would like to see someone pull from a higgledy piggledy pile in a secondhand shop 63 years after your death and say, "This looks fucking weird. I think I will buy it for Joan."

Sorry, but I find the expression "Merry Christmas" offensive. "Happy Holidays" is also unacceptable. The same goes for "Good Morning" or "Hello" or any type of greeting, or even eye contact, before lunchtime. Or at any time.

Just thought I might give the spiders a bit of variety.

Nearly time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

Go for it.

Ps: draw it!

Perfect. Take the rest of the day off.

My totalitarian nativity tableau features the infant Donald Trump, alone in a stable, adoring himself.

Welcome to Tech Support Tuesday, when everyone who bought fancy new digital stuff on Black Friday and Cyber Monday spends all day trying to make it work.

Cyber Monday? No thanks. Nothing beats the experience of going into a real shop, being able to hold an item in your hands, discussing it with an actual sales person, saying you’ll think about it, then going home and buying it cheaper online.

Hurrah

'Tis the season to be jolly. If you can’t manage jolly, maybe just try dialling down the seething rage and hatred for a while.

If you read the nativity story backwards it’s about a couple who get robbed at a party in a barn and trade their baby for a donkey to ride home on.

It's not fair to form a judgment of Nigel Farage's character based solely on unpleasant things he said and did at school. He was only just getting started.

Farewell to the brilliant Tom Stoppard, who constantly reminded us of the sheer joy to be found in language and in life. He always seemed to relish his art, which is part of what makes it wonderful.

Most common Black Friday acquisitions:
- TV that was cheaper last week.
- Clothes you don't want.
- Existential loathing.
- Cappuccino maker, literally half price, total bargain, will definitely NOT live forever in the back of the cupboard after being used for only a week.

“You’re in my seat”

Keeping things low-key with my Christmas tree this year. No lights, no decorations. Also it’s not in my house. It’s somewhere in a forest, probably, so I’ll just leave it there and think about it occasionally.

I’ve made some amazing savings on Black Friday by not buying anything.

Shoutout to all the relieved turkeys that are feeling pretty good about not having been eaten for Thanksgiving but don't realise the only reason they survived is because they're being fattened up for Christmas.

Guernica but someone is grabbing a flat screen TV

"Black Friday" by Picasso

Dear media, don’t interview billionaires about how they should be taxed. That’s like criminals attempting to set their own prison sentences, ignorant nut jobs giving vaccine advice, and politicians telling the poor how to survive on baked beans. They should all be invited to go and fuck themselves.

The past may be a foreign country but it still exists, no matter how differently they do things there.

I agree, but I wanted to keep it snappy.

That’s true. Sometimes we didn’t even bother with the dinner and cut straight to the eviction.