stefan

a white 3d printed whistle turned to the side to display handwritten text in sharpie that reads “this machine kills fascists” on a wooden table top

We need to talk somewhere private.

*goes to Melania screening*

Telling people they're being pessimistic when they're just saying the facts that you don't wanna hear, that's helpful.

a lot of Democratic officials have asked the protesters to be careful to not "give Trump what he wants" and I think it's fair to ask them to do likewise

Sure we’re poor, but we’re also in debt so it evens out

is that like an updog?

There have been times where I've felt guilty for reseting, and I need to cut it out.

I will not post about my problems I will not complain online I will not post about my problems I will not complain online I will not post about my problems I will not complain online I will not post about my problems I will not complain online I will not post about my problems I will not complain

Ranking every condiment by degrees of sensuality

🥹

I had two of my ribs removed surgically, so I can hang my head lower in shame.

"Begging your pardon Mademoiselle, but may I have the honor of this Humpty Dance?"

I don’t know what’s gonna happen today, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be annoyed by it

They forgot to change the doomsday clock for daylight savings, it's actually 65 seconds to 1 a.m.

#YouAREdoingGreat :)

The way Biden and his party treated Omar and Rashida Tlaib was reprehensible. Openly contemptuous and racist.

Tony Doukopil: you were there the whole time?

His mom: that's right honey I was just hiding my face

Tony Doukopil: *crying* and you only tell me this now?

my life has gotten a lot better since i started treating my brain like a hyperactive child that i love deeply

An orgy, but with only one person, and nothing sexual happens and I don't leave the house

Dentist: “Here’s a toothbrush that will last a month, some toothpaste that will last a few days, some mouthwash that will last a day, and a lifetime supply of floss”

I love breadcrumbs!! Nom nom nom maybe one day it’ll add up to a whole slice of bread!!!

*Tesla earnings call* well, I'd like to see ol Elon Musk wriggle his way out of THIS jam!
*Musk wriggles his way out of the jam easily*
Ah! Well. Nevertheless,

WAS I REALLY THE HANDOMEST BOY IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL OR WAS THAT A LIE TOO?? ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!

"When I'd ask if we could stop at McDonald's on the way home, why was your response always 'We'll see' when we BOTH knew you'd already settled on 'NO'? How is anyone supposed to regard you as credible?"

hey raisin lovers, cbs puts two scoops, two scoops of raisins in every news program

reading wikipedia's "List of Racial Slurs" every morning to gain a deep understanding of how the other side thinks

your honor, his nose whistled

Tony Dokoupil, removes glasses, thinks deeply: was the nom nom monster ever real?

Tony Dokoupil’s mother: no honey that was what we used to say before we tickled you to make you laugh

Tony Dokoupil, becoming emotional: so I’ve…just been living in fear

my favorite color herring is red. or is it??

gesundheit