RIP Julius Caeser. You would've loved being given credit for a salad you had nothing to do with.
It’s not a plot hole that Elmo has been 3 years old for 50 years. He was bitten by The Count, willingly. Elmo asked for the Dark Gift
Once a year, I get amnesia and feel I need to take on the noble pursuits of leaving my echo chamber, refusing to assume every counterpoint reply is made in bad faith, and engaging in civil conversation. Eight hours, one migraine, and three blocks later, I remember why that’s a horrible idea.
I got Yacht Rot from a three way with Christopher Cross and Michael McDonald
my husband is just casually listening to Prodigy in his office right now, marriage is an adventure
This Friday the 13th has been particularly difficult because it plays on my fear of cutting a turnip.
I bet being consumed by the swallowing undulations of quicksand would be great for my back.
something I’ve been hearing a lot of people saying lately is achoo
The internet didn’t make people stupid. People have been stupid. It just made us all more aware of the stupid people on the internet and how many of them there are.
I bet being consumed by the swallowing undulations of quicksand would be great for my back.
if you're mean to me this is who you're being mean to btw
The Cecropia moth is born without a mouth. It cannot eat. It emerges only to mate and die. Nature gave it magnificent wings and ten days of starvation. It is the universe's most honest creature. It lives without pretense.
Stay hydrated by constantly losing the cap of whatever you're drinking.
Can this be a solution?
eating a banana to increase my banana levels
The IT guy complimented my password.
People lie to you about everything. Ever seen a red onion? That's right they're fucking purple. People lie to you about it all
the government stopped producing pennies a while back, so can you please stop asking to make it make cents
Doctor: [handing over newborn] what will you call him?
Mr. and Mrs. Galilei: well, we really fuckin love our last name so
"As a thought experiment, what if this regime trained bees to read our emails, and umbrellas were nuclear weapons, and hats would wear US"
If I’m not online for the next couple days it’s because I stood in the freezing rain and became a majestic nude ice statue. Either that or the power went out. Personally rooting for the ice statue
Sometimes I feel crazy but it's just that my phone brightness is too high
Shout out to my grandfather who fought against the Nazis so I could post jokes about Kool-Aid Man's dick
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
A JOKE I MADE UP:
Q: Who locks himself in the house and writes movies with long conversations, lots of violence, and close-ups of ladies’ bare feet?
A: Quentin Quarentino
What exactly is going on here?
I like doing Civil War re-enactments. I play the Kirsten Dunst part.
can this be a solution?
can this be a solution?
there's like 38 people on here that I will fave before reading the post
