Soapy Norris

Personally on balance I think I’m happier to have a handle and not have a bin full of shitty used toilet paper next to the toilet.

Other things I have put on my weetabix just in the past week or so include banana, almonds, walnuts, raisins, honey and yogurt. Wasn’t aware I didn’t live on earth.

Out for the football, got to the ground and realised I was feeling quite unwell, all faint & shaky. Had a pint of Harvey’s and a steak pie and funnily enough I now feel a lot better. #BeerAndPiesAreMedicine

In my music collection one language that’s surprisingly overrepresented across many genres is Portuguese. I have no real idea why, I guess it’s just intrinsically pleasing to my ear. Despite sounding a bit like a poor attempt at Spanish by a slurring drunk that can’t do the accent.

do you have to be reminded to take your trousers off when going for a shit

After about 15 years of avoiding the cheap Chinese takeaway near me with the crap faded yellow plastic sign and the uninspiring looking menu, I bought a takeaway on the way home and it was THE BEST THING support your local cheap crappy takeaway folks

I put it to you that there was no tree, no labrador, and that in fact you shat in your own pants

I have never seen a saveloy for sale in a shop

Chippies are the only places that have saveloys

Where do the chippies get the saveloys from?

Rice & 3

Away day

Your da likes the Red Bull Gives You Wings adverts.

There’s currently as I write an AWS advert on telly with Jumping Jack Flash as the music track.

“and it’s all right now… in fact it’s a gas”

Are they taking the fucking piss?

I am highly conflicted by the hundred.

On the one hand it’s a fun accessible form of cricket that gives equal priority to men & women’s game.

Also, it’s stupid plastic marketing bullshit, and my county missed out on a franchise meaning I’d face a minimum 4 hour round trip to go and see a game.

I’d forgotten how sleeves were different lengths in those days

oh the grand old duke of york
he had ten thousand men
but none were to his sexual taste
being over eight-and-ten

After taking my old 4S to the recycling centre yesterday a few people have pointed out how quick, cheap and easy it is to change the battery in one, and now I feel like the man who slew Gelert

There’s a fat orange pedo right now throwing ketchup bottles at the wall and screaming about having Alfred Nobel arrested

Today I had to say goodbye to my iPhone 4S that suddenly developed a swollen battery after spending its ten years of retirement as my trusty upcycled beside clock.

Goodnight sweet prince (wipes tear)

Just stopped off for a pint at the local and they’ve got ESB on, fucking result

Did a Wealth write this,?

One of these cars looks cool.

One of these cars looks like the drawing of a tragically ungifted ten year old.

When I started secondary school in 1984, an old building with really high ceilings, I threw half a banana at the wall in a classroom, right up high in the corner, and it stuck.

In 1989 it was still there, tiny black and shrivelled.

I like to imagine it is still there.

One thing that really boils my piss is people posting about so-called Mandela Effect when they are clearly, demonstrably, just misremembering something.

“It can’t possibly be me that is mistaken, the entire rest of the universe must be wrong”.

Fucking get over yourself. Fuck off.

Man insisting he is an ‘Alpha Male’ seems awfully keen to follow the lead of other men on the Internet Local man and self-proclaimed “alpha male” Simon Williams, 32, was today spotted scrolling through his phone to double-check what Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and whichever shirtless ‘manosp…

NEWS! Man insisting he is an 'Alpha Male' seems awfully keen to follow the lead of other men on the Internet

I willingly spent more money on a cheap laser printer than I would have on several years’ worth of HP cartridges because HP and their ink subscription can absolutely very go and fuck themselves.

Hey wait what the fuck?

ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 D𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘦 M𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘤𝘦 F𝘢𝘯 C𝘭𝘶𝘣. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.

Canada not reading the script #rwc

Playing an old Ian Dury record from a simpler and considerably cheaper time

Surprise extra day of summer.

Pub it is then.