IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Game show host Wink Martindale had a twin brother named Wank, who was so aptly named that he was not allowed within 1,000 feet of a school.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
The comic strip Goofus and Gallant has been published every month in Highlights For Children magazine since 1940, except for a tense eleven month breakup of the comedy duo in 1974, after Goofus fucked Gallant’s wife.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
After retiring from the NBA, Charles Barkley attempted an acting career by reviving an old Scott Baio sitcom, renaming it Charles Barkley In Charge. The show failed to be picked up, primarily due to the fact that he insisted on playing ALL the parts himself.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Right wing commentator/serial arsonist Tucker Carlson expressed dismay upon learning that longtime friend Donald Trump raped and purportedly murdered children with Jeffrey Epstein, yet NOT ONCE did he reach out for help in disposing of the bodies.
Hurt isn’t even the word.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Contracting Cat Scratch Fever is nowhere near as fun as Ted Nugent made it sound.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Experts questioned whether Koko the Gorilla used actual language with proper syntax and grammar, and whether her paintings constituted “true” art. What they never questioned, however, was her work as a pedal steel session player in Nashville. She was inarguably good.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
There is serious concern among closeted actors in Hollywood that the window for being deemed “brave” for coming out is closing and they’ll never get their rightful due if they miss it.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Bad blood between N’SYNC and The Backstreet Boys reached a peak in 2001, culminating in a proposed death match on pay-per-view. Before things got too far out of hand, though, management stepped in to remind them all that they were a bunch of pussies.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
A press release typo that left out the second M led to the most tour date bookings ever for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
There are still people in this world who believe that Rubik’s Cube rhyming perfectly with Pubic’s Boob is just a coincidence. Preposterous.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
After consulting an outside efficiency expert, Pornhub more than tripled the number of gang bang videos on their website. It’s all about multi-tasking.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Operatically trained vocalist extraordinaire Kid Rock was accused of lip synching at his fake Super Bowl halftime show. Nothing could be further from the truth. His voice is simply so powerful that he can sing with his mouth closed and with the microphone beside his hip.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Due to a production mistake, General Mills workers failed to put marshmallows in several batches of their Frankenberry Monster Cereal. Rather than discard so much product, they added a can of gelled cranberry to each box and called it Blob Bites. It did not sell well.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
In a desperate attempt at cashing in on the names of their famous cousins, upstart B movie producer Kyle Spielberg hired Brent Pitt and Greg Clooney to star in a much lower stakes heist film, Ocean’s Seven Eleven.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
If George Carlin was still alive his next HBO Special would be called, “I Fucking Told You So!”
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
The premier Kid Rock tribute band, The Bawitdaba Experience, is the most accurate, authentic, true to life representation of a real Kid Rock show, in as much as they suck, too.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Calling it unfair that he was passed over for Best In Show by the Westminster Kennel Club, Donald Trump has demanded that Penny the Doberman Pinscher hand her award over to him.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
The trend of making printed novelty curtains and bedding for children based on popular movies started in 1969 with Easy Rider.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
The band Toto took their name from the fact they were all former members of Kansas.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Computer viruses are only spread by downloading midget porn. That is the only way. If you’ve ever had someone work on your computer to get rid of a virus - they know what you’re into.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Superstitious about the so-called “Madden Curse”, Aaron Hernandez”s agent begged him to reject Nintendo’s offer to be on the cover of their 2017 Hangman video game.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
In 2014, because of the tendency for interchanging the R and L sounds in heavily Asian-accented English, the movie theaters near San Francisco’s famed Chinatown refused to show The Fault In Our Stars.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Jim Fantuzzi was voted the number one Activity Director of all nursing homes in the state of New York for 2025, primarily for his out of the box thinking, instituting activities such as Smoking Cigarettes And Bitching About Stuff Tuesdays and bimonthly shoplifting field trips.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
There are paths through two chasms that lead into the depths of Mordor. One chasm, the main path, is for male Orcs only. A smaller, hidden path, is specifically for female Orcs. In fact, this path is so well hidden that many men doubt the existence of the female Orc chasm.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
The rarest Hollywood collectible ever discovered is a one of a kind, never released movie poster. Due to Louis B. Mayer’s dislike of informal language and abbreviations, he insisted that the prototype movie poster carry the title, The Wizard of Ounce.
That’s why when this is over and Trump is dead of a massive stroke we need to prosecute every single member of ICE.
IT’S PROBABLY A FACT!
Thanks to centuries of carefully controlled breeding, cats are no longer venomous. But don’t tell them. They don’t know.
Two more weekends of drafting The Child Eater before I have to take a break and do the final edit of Iron Abyssus. May is coming quicker than you think.
