Lauren

The only thing I like about social media is that you can have several different conversations about completely different topics with the same person. We’re talking about childhood trauma, the sounds birds can make, and what we had for dinner all at the same time without having to digress or segue!

Some people really settle into old age. They look kinda funny their whole youth and then they look amazing with wrinkles and grey hair. And they look amazing for decades. It’s like they were destined to be old.

Life hack: mix the mushroom coffee with decaf instead of water and it’ll taste like coffee instead of dirt.

In 6th grade I knew all my friends’ handwritings. Nowadays handwriting is different. It’s so personal. I could know a person for years and never see their handwriting and when I finally see it it’s like a glimpse deep into their soul. It could change my whole opinion of them, tbh

Sometimes I see an average looking guy and think I wonder what it’s like to have a crush on him. For example captain feathersword. What if he’s very tender and sweet? What if he’s great in bed? And then I start to think maybe I do have a crush on captain feathersword.

Am I the only one who does not think it’s cool to doomscroll into a 40-minute long video on instagram ?

Making friends later in life isn’t hard I just need to see your credentials. Do you have references? I can’t be friends with a relationship capitalist - someone who extracts but does not nourish. It’s even ok if you’re psychotic just like don’t keep it a secret. I’ll call the hospital if u flip

The boomer urge to get you a commemorative coin.

Let Gaza live, let the moon live, etc!

I hate when old ladies in the gym locker room tell me it’s gonna be ok when I’m not even upset I just worked out I’m actually in a good headspace also to be clear it is not going to be ok maybe for them bc their boomer ass is gonna die soon and will be delusional until then

The ice cream truck comes thru my neighborhood blasting oh come all ye faithful, grapes of wrath, deck the halls, and happy birthday.

I’m not arguing with these ppl today I’m not debating who gets the parking spot at the mall the Saturday before Mother’s Day. They are pumped with filler, money, entitlement, and delusion. Give me the worst spot on the premises I do not care

One thing about me is I’ll destroy a pint of ice cream at 3pm. And by destroy I don’t mean finish. I mean render it inedible by eating all the good stuff, leaving empty tunnels and craters of plain vanilla with mere smears of the fudge and candy I’ve swept away.

My friend at the gym…turns out he’s friends with everybody. I’m not special

Who up at the Transit Riders United state of transit meeting rn? Come find me standing awkwardly in the corner tweeting

U.S. National Weather Service has issued a buy lingerie advisory for me 😩

I picked the wrong January to be dry

Am I allowed to drink nonalcoholic beer and drive

Why do I always cry when I edit my cover letter?

Ok nvm I just went and read my tweets and you were right, they’re bad. This will be all new material.

So is this where I repurpose all my old Twitter posts that only I thought were funny but maybe now other people will as well?