Paolo San Juan

I’ve always felt “alone”, I learned to be with myself & my problems, not many know that my family life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I’m even more comfortable w/close friends, but I’ve learned to accept that u can’t rely on anyone else except yourself.

Letting go is 1 of the hardest thing to do, but I’m feeling how rage & sadness have affected my overall health. that feeling when you’re planning this ultimate revenge plot in your heart but u don’t want to do it bec. There is no point? But then I realize how much it has taken away from me.

Thanks mng

I try to practice “joy” out of small things, this cheerful yellow on my table was enough to perk me up today before I go to work.. w/c I dreaded going to this morning bec. I was literally dead inside.

New Moon chronicles: it’s a period where all emotions are all coming out, even the painful ones. I’ve been really depressed for the past 3 days, at last nights sound bath, I cried for an hour while meditating. But, the universe has a way of telling me that it’s just another phase.

Alley way in Enoshima island, kamakura. This leads to the sea candle.

Un lang look at climate change, dati ket Ada snow na. Tatta kastan

When I met Fuji in her all her glory after so many years of going to Japan and not being able to really see her. I took it as a good sign

I’m going to be okay

I’m spent, another round of exhausting emotional rollercoasters for today. Medyo quota na. I hate it when the progress is abruptly taken away.

Especially in a household marred with generational trauma, where egos run high & being tough & resilient is a family trait & a badge of honor. You’re required to submit to the trauma & get your balls from it, instead of feeling safe from love.

Discernment on when to keep certain family members in or out of our lives, but I do consider a small group of friends/cousins as my family. People you feel safe with no matter what & you know they got you if shit happens. I’ve never felt “safe” at home.

It’s a bit strange to see old friends you started out with. After more than a decade, the conversations are mostly about health & coping with life in our mid 30s. I love getting old to a degree, things sort of settle down in some areas.

It’s a great movie, legit scared lol

I know I’ll be okay.

Who grew up with narcissistic elders? How do you deal/cope with their behaviors?

Much needed break from everything.

High functioning depression. That’s new to me, I had to return & get my head right. I’m happy however that I don’t need meds. Just plenty of exercise & good company. It’s still a matter of showing up for myself everyday, may I look back at this someday stronger than I ever was.

I just want to get out of Baguio and calm down. Even home has become unbearable, they don’t get it.

🫂

I’d like to believe the universe brought her back to my life during one my darkest phases In my life.

Reconnected w/ an old good friend. Both of us just had to undergo plenty of 💩 & im happy she’s thriving w/ a renewed passion for something else & that we’ve rekindled a new kind of friendship that’s much more mature & uncomplicated.

I pray for bookings for the next three days. Pls say a little prayer for me and wish me luck.

Today is a bit heavy, it would have been our 8th year. I’m still angry, the rage is exhausting & a bit challenging to process. I don’t ask why anymore, part of me just wants revenge but I’m too tired & they tell me it’s not worth my energy.

I supported her business very well
,yet wasn’t even accorded the simple
Act of sharing a link to my business. Oh well, so much for managing my expectations.

I should remind myself not to beg/ask someone’s attention or time. Especially if they don’t reciprocate the attention/time I give them. I’m tired of giving & giving, because that’s all I’ve done for a bug chunk of my life. I’ll give myself that time instead.

I met someone,he’s a great guy but it’s too soon, It seems that I’m jumping into another relationship again without processing the the previous one. Here I am overthinking about something that’s in its genesis

I’d like to ask him: at what point in our relationship did you think it was okay to hurt me?

Tug on the heart to see my eyes so sad in my latest photos for an exhibit. Wasn’t aware my eyes and face were swelling from all that crying I did before hand.

Being invited to teach masscomm, but I feel I’ve missed the boat on that one. I mean is it still relevant to teach a dying medium that is radio? Plus I’m not someone who follows trends, so I guess that’s out of the question.