Jennifer Cariño

Yesterday I did something that both surprised and terrified me all in the same moment. I volunteered to photograph 2 upcoming events. Actually, it was more proactive and confident than I'm making it sound. That's what surprised me, plus the fact that there was no hesitation to ask. Who even am I?

It's one of those mornings.

Easy there, Jen. You're okay.

YouTube video by Netflix Philippines 10DANCE | Official Trailer | Netflix

Keita Machida in a BL. I'm so seated for this. 😍

😬 Yes, I felt that.

YouTube video by Hayley Williams - Topic Parachute

🎧🎵 Parachute – Hayley Williams

The irony of me working for the same academic institution (not the same campus, but close enough) that my parents worked for once upon a time.

Power out. I can hear the wind and rain. I can feel my pulse. The feeling of being on edge is always the same.

Beneath it there's anger. We've all been let down by a broken system, and by the people that keep those systems in place.

For now, I'll set down the anger until the storm passes.

#UwanPH

YouTube video by MUNA - Topic I Know A Place

Can't sleep, so I turn to music. As a queer girl, ‘About U’ is one of those albums that really got under my skin.

🎧🎵
Right now
It's like you're carrying all the weight of your past
I could tell all your bruises, yellow, dark blue, and black
But baby a bruise is, only your body
Tryna keep you intact

I used to have a Nikon FM2; 3 lenses; motor drive; set of filters. This was back when I was in my teens. A friend of the family had gifted the kit to me, because he saw how much I loved fooling around with my dad's Pentax.

That camera was lost (long story). I still wonder about it today.

YouTube video by Lucius - Topic Until We Get There (Acoustic)

Working late (and likely will be up for a while). Just taking a brief break to get some air. I have no idea if I'm just tired, but I'm in a pensive mood.

🎧🎵
"What do you say
Is this the time
For one more try
At a happy life
What do you say
Is this unwise
To think my fears
Will not reprise"

YouTube video by Sarah Kinsley - Topic Fleeting

I love this. Those synths remind me of Kate Bush. ✨

Manifesting. 🙌🏻✨

Anyway, she's been on my mind a lot these days, because she and her family have been going through a pretty rough patch right now. So if you happen to read this, I hope you spare a moment to send them some light, even though you might not know them. I believe that every little bit of care helps. (4)

...who will always answer my messages when I reach out. Whenever it is I reach out.

Affection and care do need a certain amount of nurturing, and reciprocity, but I believe that once it's there, it won't leave. Despite whatever distance. Despite whatever challenges life throws our way. (3/)

Honestly, it's been one of the most surprising friendships of my life, because while we don't have a lot in the way of "real life" interactions that a lot of friendships are built on (just that initial meeting), our shared online history is no less real. In fact, she's one of those friends...(2/)

I have a friend that I met over a decade ago at an open mic, but we've stayed in touch online over the years. Not very consistently, but when life/the world/circumstances have aligned our energies in a way that feels natural, we tend to just pick up where we left off. (1/)

Didn't get to sleep until close to 4am and was up by 8am, so I'm paying for it now. Haha 🥲

Perhaps this is what it's like to be in love with life. Perhaps this is what it's like to want to be here.

In between work tasks (every moment I can spare), I sort through photos I've taken over the years. There's a lifetime's worth and I'm equally grateful for, and daunted by the volume I have to go through.

Still... If I was looking for proof that this is what I long to do, well this is it.

What are the things that enchant you?

For me, it's light and shadow. (Perhaps I mean that figuratively as well as literally.)

📸 UP Marine Science Institute (May 2, 2024)

📸 Photo taken at Bayon Temple, Siem Reap, Cambodia. (10.17.2019) The photo shows the interior of one of the smaller chambers. The room is lit only by candles surrounding a central statue of a Buddha. A temple attendant stands on the left of the frame, holding a golden plate.

Piecing together fragments of myself by revisiting the past.

I now realize that I've always been taking pictures. Ever since I was 14 and begged to be enrolled in a summer photo + darkroom workshop. Ever since I first pressed the shutter on my father's old Pentax.

I've always been chasing light.

Our Public Market One of my most beloved places in my hometown

Friends, do you have a public market where you live? What’s it like?

Felt well enough to go and do a small supply run this morning, but then I also let myself have an abundance of rest in the afternoon.

No longer pushing myself to the absolute limits. No longer a slave to the energy of urgency. All I need is already here. And I can trust that I'm going to be ok.

YouTube video by Maggie Rogers - Topic Burning

Let me help you wake you up
Let me help you break you up
Let me help you open up
I'm in love, I'm alive
Oh, I'm burning

🎧🎵 Burning – Maggie Rogers

And I couldn't have fixed her, even if I'd been happy all the time. That should never have been my burden to bear. And it certainly isn't mine to carry now.

I have bad days, and good ones. Just like anyone else. And all of that is perfectly normal, and ubdoubtedly human.

Flu-driven thoughts:

I'm only just now starting to realize that she had such a need for me to 𝘣𝘦 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺. As if all our troubles would suddenly have been swept away if I had been. But we’re people with a whole range of human emotions. Sadness is part of the package. As is anger, or awe. Joy, or doubt.

Our Public Market One of my most beloved places in my hometown

“They say it will be better. The very nature and design of the planned redevelopment is antithetical to fluidity, porousness, and spontaneity. It is a narrowing down of profusion, a thinning of options that lead to thriving, a stifling of vibrancy.”

Please read and share. Save the Baguio Market.

Thank goodness my shoot tomorrow is being rescheduled. 🥹

💯 ❤️‍🔥

‘The Myth of Normal’ altered my brain chemistry.

Ghosting How cavalier people are— with language and with silence. Any ghost will tell you— the last thing we mean to do is leave you. —Andrea Cohen

’Tis the season.

Ghosting, by Andrea Cohen 👻