Ben

There will be smoked brisket

It’s not fall until you wake up after one of the first chilly nights to a low tire pressure warning

I’m so good at doing nothing. I wish I could get paid for it.

“I don’t need to wear deodorant”

~ people who need to wear deodorant

I want to be the kind of person you can call and ask if I still have the Elvis build a bear costume from 1999 and a child’s magic set. The answer, of course, will be yes and that I just need a little time to dig it out.

*Jennifer Coolidge voice*
I need a blunt real bad

Got an early start on soup season. Homemade split pea and (high protein) yogurt biscuits…

For the first time in 6 months, I was able to leave my a/c turned off for 24 consecutive hours.

I had to turn it back at hour 25, but still...

her: okie dokie
her: okie dokie
her: okie dokie
her: okie dokie
her: okie dokie
her: okey dokey
me: are you mad at me?

Currently enjoying the best morning of atlanta’s second fake fall of the year

The fact that someone once successfully pitched ‘let’s make a fake raw candy egg inside a chocolate shell’ in a meeting gives me true hope for my own crazy work ideas

Acceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to save a life

Unacceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to create a life

I don’t know I’m way behind on my stalking

Andy Dufresne but it’s sneaking in old paperwork from home to shred at work.

Bumble bee on a gold zinnia just waking up for the day, all cute and furry

Good morning sleepyhead

Not today, gel pen.

If I was an astronaut I would end every relationship by saying, “Look, I just need some space”

Don’t forget to pay your bills & die a little on the inside today

Dr: You need to quit drinking
me: like on weekends
Dr: No, everyday
me: weekdays
Dr: Everyday
me: what days
Dr: Every
me: please be more specific

*peels off resting bitch face to reveal an even more rested and bitchier face*

I put a little tray next to the toilet that reads, "Give a shit Take a shit."

petey has total boss’s son energy

Who you are when you’re talking to a jigsaw puzzle is the real you.

ready to shut off my a/c and make some pot roast

*places bong on coaster bc i’m a proper gentleman

As someone raised in an asian household, succumbing to any sort of food poisoning always feels like some kind of defeat

I found an old video of my kids looking thru their baskets on Easter morning, and the Academy Award for Acting Surprised goes to me.

squad goals

PSA: If you ever have tickets to a Philadelphia-area sporting event that you can't use, please consider donating to Big Brothers/Big Sisters.

They will get used by kids who will appreciate the gesture! Contacts below.

Jsnader@independencebigs.org
CEnnis@independencebigs.org

I’m gonna start a cooking show where I make recipes I’ve never tried. I’m gonna call it 30 Minutes My Ass.