?

feels like I've been checked out more than I should be doing. like it's just a transitional period in my life but that shit's also stressful as fuck that im just not really paying attention to it

sometimes I think about my sister going "man don't even worry about it once you go to grad school you'll only take the classes you want to take" and I really don't know how to tell my family the truth

i told myself "well shit I'm afraid of boxing myself into a major that I'll no longer be passionate about in a few years" and then I studied compsci and then Everything With AI happened so my nightmare scenario came true

can't be bothered to look for jobs. can't be bothered to work on my research. can't be bothered to apply to grad school. can't be bothered to do anything but scroll through social media

I feel like there's just nowhere I'll be happy in fuck

wow I feel like I can't be bothered to do anything anymore

And this could apply to three different things but it's not bad except for the "apply to 10 jobs a day" part which is what's getting me. It should NOT be this hard to tailor a resume to its job brooooo

I gotta be real. It's actually fucking infuriating telling myself "okay I'm gonna get this thing I want to do done" for three days straight and then not doing anything about it for those three days

Got nothing done today!!!!!!! Fuck I'm a useless piece of shit!!!!!!!!

i need someone to yell at me everyday about applying to internships and jobs i feel like that's the only way im gonna be able to get any sort of change done in my life

got another application due tomorrow and i havent done any work on it at all which is probably a good indicator of how i feel about it but i still gotta turn it in anyway

feels like I should be getting around to more urgent things but it feels too stressful to do them that I can't make progress

I know I'm getting an ADHD assessment but even just justifying my behavior like that feels wrong. I wonder if I'm just incredibly lazy in the end

I keep putting off things I need to do for no reason and it's the worst feeling

I know some people want to really delve into academia after college and I don't fault them for it, but aside from work-related reasons I can't see myself ever thriving in grad school. Education just gave me some crippling anxiety and I really am not looking forward to 2 years of that but harder

I'm never relying on anyone for anything ever again I think (at least for school related stuff) I really should learn to take initiative with this sort of thing

ACTUALLY FUCKING INCOMPETENT HOOOOOLLY SHIT I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST ROT AND DIE

useless shit who can't do anything until someone else tells him to. why didn't you just take matters into your own hands it's YOUR FUCKING DEGREE YOU ASSHOLE

What the fuck is wrong with me. What the actual fuck is wrong with me. I want to die. I want to fucking curl up in a ball and just rot. Useless fucking piece of shit I am can't even get his classes right

Wow my mind is an incompetent thing. Why does this thing just not work. Goddammit

In her defense she said "you don't need to take 16" multiple times and I said it was fine because one of them was gonna be a relatively chill class

I still wanna get diagnosed now though because no matter how many credits I take I always end up having trouble getting shit done in the first place

I feel like I'm being entitled but I'm just mad at the fact that I'm seen as the hypocrite for choosing to take 16 credits in one semester to save on tuition and then asking my parents for help. Is this my consequence for biting off too much? Being ignored and told "well I told you so"

Four months until I can even get this fucking ADHD diagnosis. Are you for real.

I feel sick again

ideally I would be in a comfortable state to spill my guts out to my parents and tell them how ADHD has affected my life in various ways but unfortunately I have become so desensitized to hiding shit from them for my own safety and comfort that it's becoming a problem when reaching out to help lol

me, internally: I would really just seek an ADHD diagnosis right now rather than wait until the semester ends because this diagnosis could help me process my last semester more smoothly in addition to preparing me for the future.

me, externally: yeahhh the accomodations could help me sooooo

day 100000000000 of me fumbling being honest about my problems

What the hell am I on this Earth for now

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yeah nvm it might just be better to use midnightsky