Ken McGraw

The Washington D.C Applebees is going to be BUSY tonight

You mean to tell me this isn’t RFK Jr?

I got that professional darts player body

If this flag offends you. I’ll help you fucking pack

You’re part of this heist now. Mr.Blue Floral

About to pull off the greatest Joe-Joe’s heist of all time at the Silver Lake TJ’s.

*Sorting Hat gets placed on head*

“Ha! Another Skarsgård”

Logo for Bob Baker Marionette Theater (orange old west letters against a cream background)

Headline that says Bil Baird and his marionette theater

KID WHOSE FIRST AND LAST NAME DO NOT BOTH START WITH “B”: I want to run a marionette theater

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: I have terrible news

Ratatouille 2 plot just dropped

Ummmm apparently this is the only place my insurance says I’m in-network

My uncle wore his best Fast and Furious shirt to Christmas.

My parlay is dependent on Mickey hitting a Triple-Double

*at the box office, feeling bad for Sony Pictures* 40 million tickets for Kraven the Hunter please

Genuinely feel dumber after getting every answer on Pop Culture Jeopardy correct

New Yorkers looking out for drones

Zyn is actually a beautiful name for a baby

Wow! Guess I’m a Jeremy Allen White “type”

Luigi Mangione is also the name I gave myself in every improv scene I’ve ever done

Went out to 5 different bars last night. Kept my jacket on the whole time.

Truly honored. I met Joe Biden today and he gave me one of those Presidential challenge coins

Haven’t seen Wicked yet, but I really hope there is a moment where a lady in the audience spills an entire bag of peanut M&M’s on herself and struggles to collect them all for 7ish minutes like when I saw it on Broadway.

GOOD! Now he can run in 2028!

“Yea. Lemme get a rainbow slice. Toasted with Banana Peppers. Black olives. Cheddar and ranch, please.”

My mom’s tree theme this year is hookah bar.

Hope I don’t fuck up the cranberry sauce!

Really looking forward to my Grandmother reading off every Hallmark movie cast list and asking “Do you know these people?”, this Thanksgiving.

70% chance the first words out of his mouth after this call was “I gotta go. My mother fell down the stairs”

Friend: “I’m outside. You ready?”

Me:

So you’re telling me RuPaul’s son is fighting Mike Tyson tonight?

Absolutely stunned that Hulk Hogan passed over for AG