Parody Nigel Farage

Today the world’s media turned away from the war in Iran to focus on the Reform UK Press Conference to hear me announce… the defection of a couple of councillors that nobody’s ever heard of or gives a shit about.

WANTED: Morons, racists, fuckwits, criminals, bigots and numbskulls to stand as Reform UK candidates. Total ignorance of local authorities preferred and we promise not to check your social media history!

If these people are found to be working for a foreign power, Keir Starmer will be personally responsible. Whereas when a senior Reform colleague is jailed for ten years for taking bribes from Russia, that is nothing to do with me.

GB News loses £22m, taking their total losses to over £130m. Except it's not a 'loss', it's an investment by Paul Marshall in providing a propaganda service to platform right wing grifters, gobshites, conspiracy nutters and contrarian fuckwits.

GB News loses £22m, taking their total losses to over £130m. Except it's not a 'loss', it's an investment by Paul Marshall in providing a propaganda service to platform right wing grifters, gobshites, conspiracy nutters and contrarian fuckwits.

I must apologise for Richard Stupid Tice not understanding that no gas or oil is ‘our own’ because Maggie Thatcher sold it off, so it is all sold by private companies on the global market. Norway did not sell theirs off and now have a sovereign wealth fund of £1.6trillion.

I must apologise for Richard Stupid Tice not understanding that no gas or oil is ‘our own’ because Maggie Thatcher sold it off, so it is all sold by private companies on the global market. Norway did not sell theirs off and now have a sovereign wealth fund of £1.6trillion.

"We called London a war zone and moved to Dubai by mistake"

It's almost as though things you say on social media can have real world consequences after all.

I feel confident that the sort of people who moved to Dubai to avoid paying tax would say that those fleeing war in other countries are not our concern and they should seek refuge in a neighbouring country. In this case I’d suggest Iran, which they can reach by small boat.

That feeling when you hype up a dramatic 'bombshell' revelation about Rachel Reeves meeting someone, only to find there's a photo of you meeting the same person.

Rachel Reeves needs to be careful who she is seen with. She ought to take a leaf out of my book and hang around with someone charged with rape, human trafficking, controlling prostitution and actual bodily harm then describe him as "an important voice for young men".

Who better to pontificate on dodgy relationships than the man who helped a billionaire pornographer avoid £45m tax in exchange for a £10k donation.

Sorry mate, but that’s not a scandal. A scandal is more like when an MP is seen with Eddy Butler, a former BNP activist and founder member of Nazi group Combat 18.

"Dear Diary,
After getting a sound thrashing in the by-election, I decided to blame the loss on Muslim women not being allowed to vote for the racists who have spent the last few years demonising them."

Reform UK proposals for future elections:
-if Reform loses, there was fraud and cheating
-if Reform wins, it was fair

Isabel Oakeshott reports from a dangerous war zone that somehow isn't London.

The Foreign Office have issued official advice for UK citizens who now live in Dubai:
"You're on your own you tax-dodging bastards! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

How many more countries does Donald Trump have to bomb before he gets a Nobel Peace Prize?

"So Mr Trump, what was it that first attracted you to the country with the third largest oil reserves in the world?"

Isabel Oakeshott must be so pleased she moved to Dubai because London is such a dangerous no-go war zone.

Turns out we DO need to take foreign policy advice from the American President, but only when he's a narcissistic orange moron.

Donald Trump has explained that the attack on Iran was necessary to protect US citizens from the dangers of paying too much attention to the Epstein files.

We lost Gorton and Denton because of cheating. Which is weird when you consider that we were the only party who broke election law by sending out phoney letters from ‘a neighbour’.

Now that the by-election is over, perhaps we can get back to ignoring my racist bullying at school, Russian infiltration into my party, me lying about who paid for my house in Frinton and Reform run councils putting up council tax.

We are seriously concerned that many Muslim women were prevented from voting for the famously racist and anti-Muslim Reform party.

"Hands up if you threw everything you had at a by-election and only 14% of the electorate voted for you"

Thoughts and prayers with Chris Mason today after his party loses.

This is brilliant and hilarious as usual.

We may not have won in Gorton and Denton, but Matt Goodwin deserves credit for fooling 10,000 gullible fuckwits into voting for someone who doesn’t give a shit about them.