ahaha FUCK
aw buddy you’re so new here
no shade to this person but this got a hearty laugh out of me
flashback to watching taskmaster and pausing before each task to say “this is how i’d do it” and then hitting play, just to watch fern brady do EXACTLY THE THING I DESCRIBED like 70% of the time: [bob voice] ohhhhhhhh my god
been thinking about this for some time now. while i’m probably never gonna seek diagnosis and the label still feels too weird in my mouth to take on, i HAVE been reframing things as a form of entertaining the idea, and i can’t deny that it is incredibly helpful for some things.
remembering all the times i’ve replied to “i could never perform on stage” with “no actually i feel way safer on stage because it’s not actually ME there’s a script and specific expectations that i understand/can use to my advantage if i do screw up”: [bob belcher voice] oh my god lin
realizing that literally any time i’m alone i am practicing different facial expressions and my fake laugh and how to say things with different inflections and tones and emphasis and rehearsing potential conversations i will likely never have: “no this is just in case i ever get cast in a movie”
remembering that i memorized an encyclopedic book about every cat breed and all their different colourings when i was 7: [bob belcher voice] “oh my god”
me, 1mo into new, correct, higher dosage of adhd meds: [hiding/panicking in bathroom due of a potential schedule disruption that might add extra masked socializing when i’m already tapped out and also the overhead lights are yelling at me and there are too many noises] “am i… ALSO… ???”
honestly feeling really crushed again today (which i suspect—sigh—is medication-related). gonna do one more higher dose test tomorrow to make sure, then try taking bcp at night instead of morning wed/thu to see if it makes a quick difference or not. doc appt thursday. i dont even know the answer.
i specifically went on birth control to not have horrible cramps and crippling depression and bordering-on-inappropriate horniness 3 out of 5 weeks and then just regular too-intense moods the other 2 weeks. i just want some semblance of NORMAL.
the fucking MOMENT i started the next pack, the thought of working has made me literally want to throw up from the anxiety of not being able to lock in even remotely. i’m so upset! i just want emotional stability, manageable periods, and mental functions. what the fuck man
i think i have annoyed everyone with my hyperfixating on every detail of what is going on with me while i figure out what the hell to ask my doctor for, but i’m both relieved and furious that it’s definitely hormonal. the week i didnt take my birth control i was CLEAR and PRODUCTIVE
so deeply jealous of all my friends with creative juice right now lol. i’ve been so dry for so long. please. im parched.
yeah i actually had to delete apps from me phone for a day because receiving any kind of social energy felt like hot lightning bolts in my skull it’s kinda fucked up lol
you know it’s bad because i have had to put trek on pause this week. sitting in my office in front of my computer is literal torture that not even campy 90s scifi with my best buds can fix
anyway i’m fine don’t need to check in on me or anything i don’t have the bandwidth to answer messages i just need to spout some bullshit so i can remain normal elsewhere lmao
if, in a week, i feel instantly better the SECOND i get my period i’ll know it’s PMDD and i’ll be able to monitor it more closely next month. (been trying to find a pill that works for various reasons and this one is better than the last one so far, but third month is the real test)
feeling *incredibly* bad this week but in a really annoying way where like.. everything is entirely fine but is causing me an immense amount of psychic damage every moment i am alive??
it SHOULDN’T be, but after analysis i am chalking it up to a combo of hormones and social overstimulation for now.
i know you have it in you
nah not yet
god this year has been So Much lmao christ i want to get off mr bones wild ride
it’s still pretty sunny these days but maybe…. maybe it is time to break out the SAD lamp actually?
i think kicking some things would fix me
i'm fine it's all fine. the news of another postal strike is hitting me a bit today, and shitty people are getting to me. sometimes i just wanna burrow into a hole for a while, yknow?
posting here because i don't want to sound like i'm begging for sales or something (and people are lovely and often try to help when I am down) but damn dude it's getting so hard not to get demoralized by it all. obstacles at every turn. my usual sunny disposition is clouding a wee bit.
anyway glad i remembered this alt because i still get embarrassed being emotional on main lmfao
therapy is working. life is evening out a bit. i feel aggressively supported by my friends and community. career is chugging along in the right direction. gotta savour this i’m sure i’ll feel like i’m dying again in like two weeks lmfao
just… after-work decompression on the couch with a beer, but the work day has been half a decade long
even just on a personal level, i’ve been feeling lost and isolated for a lot of years in a way i didn’t even understand, and i noticed *last night* that most of that feeling is kinda absent now
having big feelings day today in a good way but i’ve cried like three times about random things. is just… a realization that so MUCH came together in the last couple weeks and it feels like five years of really intense work in every corner of my life is starting to pay off all at once and i’m WEEPY
