Alex 🌱

yeah i actually had to delete apps from me phone for a day because receiving any kind of social energy felt like hot lightning bolts in my skull it’s kinda fucked up lol

you know it’s bad because i have had to put trek on pause this week. sitting in my office in front of my computer is literal torture that not even campy 90s scifi with my best buds can fix

anyway i’m fine don’t need to check in on me or anything i don’t have the bandwidth to answer messages i just need to spout some bullshit so i can remain normal elsewhere lmao

if, in a week, i feel instantly better the SECOND i get my period i’ll know it’s PMDD and i’ll be able to monitor it more closely next month. (been trying to find a pill that works for various reasons and this one is better than the last one so far, but third month is the real test)

feeling *incredibly* bad this week but in a really annoying way where like.. everything is entirely fine but is causing me an immense amount of psychic damage every moment i am alive??

it SHOULDN’T be, but after analysis i am chalking it up to a combo of hormones and social overstimulation for now.

i know you have it in you

nah not yet

god this year has been So Much lmao christ i want to get off mr bones wild ride

it’s still pretty sunny these days but maybe…. maybe it is time to break out the SAD lamp actually?

i think kicking some things would fix me

i'm fine it's all fine. the news of another postal strike is hitting me a bit today, and shitty people are getting to me. sometimes i just wanna burrow into a hole for a while, yknow?

posting here because i don't want to sound like i'm begging for sales or something (and people are lovely and often try to help when I am down) but damn dude it's getting so hard not to get demoralized by it all. obstacles at every turn. my usual sunny disposition is clouding a wee bit.

anyway glad i remembered this alt because i still get embarrassed being emotional on main lmfao

therapy is working. life is evening out a bit. i feel aggressively supported by my friends and community. career is chugging along in the right direction. gotta savour this i’m sure i’ll feel like i’m dying again in like two weeks lmfao

just… after-work decompression on the couch with a beer, but the work day has been half a decade long

even just on a personal level, i’ve been feeling lost and isolated for a lot of years in a way i didn’t even understand, and i noticed *last night* that most of that feeling is kinda absent now

having big feelings day today in a good way but i’ve cried like three times about random things. is just… a realization that so MUCH came together in the last couple weeks and it feels like five years of really intense work in every corner of my life is starting to pay off all at once and i’m WEEPY

SHOULD they be able to? sure. but they don’t. and they won’t. so it isn’t helpful to approach CURRENT societal problems with “but they should”

“but they SHOULD-“ yeah, well. that’s a useless metric. if you want things to be better, you have to make the right path the most *convenient* path.

is it okay? no of course not. but the average person is an idiot and relies on social pressure to navigate the world.

if someone is taught something from birth, and everyone around them reinforces that and they are taught that anyone going against that is stupid and gets shunned, of course they’re going to believe shitty things. and if they’re never truly challenged in a way that connects with them, then… yknow?

not getting into discourse on main but thinking about “they were a product of their time”

it’s not that i think it absolves anybody, but i also simply do not think the average person is capable of going against the norm without someone else showing them how first. many people can! but most can’t.

i’ll have a better grasp on the actual effects in a week or two but it’s fucking WILD how much more comfortable i suddenly feel like 6 days into hormonal bc??

that said, while i’m feeling way more stable in all areas, i kinda doubt i’m gonna come around to liking these big ol honkers lol

i just did the blinking guy face in real time

hard to claim an identity without a visible line of demarcation, yknow? especially a marginalized one.

anyway i know this is all dumb i can do whatever i want there are no rules really. maybe i’m just used to feeling on the outskirts, because i’ve never really fully aligned with anything, in *any* regard. there is no single community i’ve ever felt fully part of for various reasons

tbh i think the big problem is just... to accurately describe myself i’d need like 4 different labels, and stacking labels comes with identity implications i don’t jive with. BUT i haven’t come around to “queer” yet either—it feels like stolen valour. and i’m fine being seen as a cishet woman? so?

yeah. just not there yet, i guess.

and you don’t wanna bring it up to your teacher because they’ll be like “well why didn’t you say something i can definitely accommodate you” but it’s just not that big of a deal because it’s not even your favourite game and you don’t want to impose for something that doesn’t really matter to you

every year i feel a little weirder about pride. kinda feels like watching all your friends have fun during a school activity because you forgot to get your parents to sign the slip, and like, you COULD forge it, but you also don’t have the right shoes so it’s ok. you’re just happy for your friends

okay pals, last week was a bit rough, but this week has a lot of potential because i just got a bunch of cleaning and prep for tomorrow done while a friend told me excellent ghost stories on a call, so as long as my country doesn’t completely shit the bed tomorrow things could be looking up!!!

l dont even feel like watching the new game changer, man