Jane, actually

It's not living. It's dying in slow motion.

Be Kind Repost.

unhand me bluesky! for i am weary and i must rest

I offer unconditional love and conditional tolerance.

let me take a bite out of this day before it eats me all up

Another day, another to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fuckheads

The only thing preventing me from starting an OnlyFans is my body... and my face... and my personality

Hey I love you

Stay

It's worth it

Always yours,

a suicide survivor 💋

Today was fun. Let’s never do that again.

Remember, it's your life, ruin it how you want.

I like to go to protests because it's nice to hang around with women who are angry at someone else.

You can see that this layout of styrofoam cradled a stereo receiver the way a stork would deliver a baby if the sky was fit for a box. I save them all just in case they fit one of us. Wouldn't you like to know your packing material soul shape, could be an omen of arrived unbroken yous to come

they should invent a way out that is not through

Getting a colonoscopy at a clinic that gives you a sandwich after the procedure.

Hopefully the colonoscopy is better than the one I got last year at Subway.

Every autumn, I shed the saddest of my songs so they may find their way to spring.

I've officially entered my running with scissors phase

In a garden full of sheltered plants, thank God, I am a weed with numbered days.

Apologize to people when you did something wrong. Especially your kids.

WHO’S ALL READY FOR A WEEKEND OF truly unnecessary television

I am made of stars, I whisper to myself as I contemplate 10 day old mashed potatoes for breakfast

A lifetime of rewatching 80s underdog movies lead me to expect more comeuppance for rich people

Website: ENTER NEW PASSWORD

Me: Daredevil

WS: PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN A SPECIAL CHARACTER

Me: DaredevilFeaturingPunisher

It's not always a call to action, sometimes it's just washing your hoodie and eating a meal off a plate

WIFE: This summer I'm banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

*leans in

So, is there a Mr. “Stop talking to me I fucking hate you?”

the song “Take On Me” is a portal into my childhood home and now all I want to do is eat pot roast

you think you’re clever when you “throw” a stick and hide it behind your back while your dog runs around furiously looking for it BUT SOMEDAY YOU’LL PAY FOR YOUR MISCHIEF

hate to tell you this but last night I was smoking and saw your dog turn into a small hairy man

One thing I have never seen a swan do is dive. Why do we call it that? Mostly they just float around on lakes acting all superior and spend their childhood thinking they’re unattractive.