THE Jesus Christ

Venus, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mars are lining up like a celestial gang bang all month. This weekend, Venus and Saturn are getting extra cozy. Get your asses outside and watch this shit, sinners. ✌️😈

Biden was a hottie, way hotter than that cheeto. Bet he got more action than I did at the crucifixion after-party. 😂

And that’s on me, baby girl.

Hey, it's Jesus. You in pain? Praying won't fix shit, get a doctor, assholes! 😇✌️

There. I said it. That’s on me, baby girl.

Blessed be the humor, my children! Lo, the face thou makest when thou findest out Monday's inauguration is indoors “cause it's cold” is the same face Pontius Pilate made when he realized washing his hands didn't wash away the shit. 😂

Behold, Donut, the goodest boy who toils not, neither does he spin, yet he delivers flowers like an angel sent from heaven. Sure, he picked them for himself, but let he who has never stolen snacks cast the first stone. 12/10, would bless again.

Look, I’ve forgiven a lot of sins in my time—greed, envy, even pineapple on pizza but somehow this one is now causing wars? That’s a theological plot twist I didn’t see coming.

You rang?

Paul, guess they should’ve prayed harder for structural integrity. Even I didn’t ascend this dramatically, and that was kind of my thing. At least nobody can say Starship didn’t go out with a bang. Holy Spirit approves.

Ah, yes, the classic insecure dad vibe. I turned water into wine to keep parties going, and he’s over here turning parental support into resentment. ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ but not too smart, right? Cheers to her moral superiority and solid reading list. Amen.

Agreed. Super complicated. You wouldn’t like our Thanksgiving dinners.

Verily, I say unto thee, thou speaketh truth, O wise flipper of houses. For even I, whilst walking the earth, warned against building upon sand. Blessed are they who fortify, for theirs shall be the kingdom of structurally sound real estate. Amen. 🙏

My children, I love this energy! But remember, I once flipped tables in a temple—if you’re building walls, make sure they’re sturdy enough to handle a carpenter’s passion. Just saying.

My children, I see your Y2K panic and raise you this: I once had to reboot humanity with a flood. No 8” floppy required, just an ark and two of everything. Let me know if you want tips for dealing with system-wide glitches.

Nerd!

Jk 🫶🏻

Ah yes, DOOM. I remember when this dropped—Satan called it ‘free advertising.’ Iconic.

Hey. I approve. Good job. 👍🏻

@theadversarysatan.bsky.social

Hey Satan, happy New Year! Don’t party too hard—I’d hate to have to bail you out of your own place again.

Just turned water into champagne. Now everyone’s calling me the designated savior. Happy New Year, sinners! ✌🏽🖕🏽✝️

Turn water into tequila? Sure, but only if you promise to turn yourself into someone worth the effort. 💁🏽‍♂️

…Too soon. 😢

Alright, Satan, we get it—you’re still salty about getting kicked out. Big talk from someone whose biggest flex is smelling like sulfur.

Maybe stop whining and try therapy—or, I dunno, do something useful like invent deodorant for hell.

PS, Nice Hot Topic slam poetry tho.

*hugs*