bloody bacon popsicle ☠️

I'm pretty certain my body will continue eating and drinking for at least 3 years after my death just through muscle memory.

Using the word 'boobies' is not acceptable for a man of my age.

At least it isn't if I'm listing them in the 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 section of my resumé, apparently.

I consider myself quite the innovator in the kitchen.

narrator: he has melted at least 12 different cheeses over 7 different types of toasted bread.

When I was younger I used to be satisfied with a glass of cheap, trashy, unsophisticated wine but now I’m all grown up I need at least 2 full bottles.

The picture I saw in the picture doesn't look like the picture I ordered. You bet I complained! They told me the picture I have is indeed the picture in the picture. Words were exchanged, most of them were the word "picture". Then they told me I'm seeing things. I said duh, that how seeing works.

The Mandalorian, but a caramel dessert.

The Flandalorian

As far as I'm concerned the scariest thing that ever happens in a horror movie is when a total stranger rings the doorbell.

if it doesn’t rain when you’re sad
that means mother nature doesn’t like you

they should just make carpet out of pet stain remover

[abruptly stops my nunchuck routine] I do.

I shot the sheriff but I didn't shoot the deputy seems like a terrible alibi.

When death takes you too seriously get conceived during a prank phone call

I don't dance to seduce, I dance to scare people away

If naps had a taste, it would probably taste like pizza.

Anyone know a guy named ‘Moderation’?

People keep telling me to drink with him.

Maybe you didn't come here to be seduced, but a hunk of last night's 11 p.m. pizza crust just fell out of my nightgown.

i love how when i grab my purse it rattles like a threatened snake bc of the giant bottle of advil i carry around with me everywhere

stop being an asshole and sit with me in the pumpkin patch, charlie brown

Snapping a plastic lunch box shut could fix me

Sorry, everyone. I opened my full images folder and brought the site down.

If you see me in public that’s my stunt double.

Any chance to wear my rhinestone jean jacket is why I never miss jury duty.

I don't know much about love, but I do know "buy one, get one for $1" by heart.

Was invited to sit at the cool kids table but I'm too cool for that.

I mean I’ll pretend if you pretend and we can pretend together.

*building an ark except it's for all of the animals and insects and maybe some plants and trees and shrubbery and some rocks and shells and*

*stops building an ark in favor of coming up with a method of scrubbing humans from the face of the earth*

Why is my following tab looking like the fuckin discover feed, what are you freaks doing

😂😂

😂😂

It's the least I can do, I said, not doing it.