bacon popsicle 🥃

me: *reading my horoscope*

my horoscope: before we get into this, you may want to pour yourself a stiff drink

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive personalised licence plates is simply to change your name to match your car’s existing plate.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

My 10yo just told me that when she grows up she wants to be just like me.

So, confused and listless it is then.

math teacher: if you have 15 strips of bacon and four friends, two of whom want three strips each, one wants to have five, and the last wants none at all, what are you left with?

me: one friend

sorry I'm late, I was psychoanalysing your nervous system.

What the world really needs now are the harsh lessons from a brand new season of celebrity wife swipe

...and sometimes when God closes a door, He also locks it and leaves you inside with 15 rabid capybaras. Or was that just me?

Meh, still counts as a "sometimes."

neighbors are mad at me and say my lawn ornaments are a “disruption” and a “safety hazard” but i’m pretty sure they’re just jealous they don’t have a ferris wheel

If we're not out here every day trying to salvage the looks on our faces when we first found each other then what are we even imagining where our relationships would go wrong in real life for

What if I want a little cap and some diggity, as a treat?

I had my own thoughts while listening to a podcast and now I have to rewind. Dammit…

They say one can only know people as deeply as they know themselves.

[Me, introducing myself to everyone at the family reunion]: Hi, I don't believe we've met.

the lows are better high

Waiter: What would you like?

Customer: To pay

Waiter: I don't see how my wig is relevant

I need to reboot my computer*

(*life)

Jokes on you I take ‘Sick Fuck’ as a compliment

Bluesky, where you catch blocks for posting sunset pics but not saying butthole.

Sorry I gave you a throat chop when you told me to have a nice day.

My earbuds keep the voices in my head entertained.

at the glorious time of my life when I think 'what an adorable old lady' then immediately wonder if we are the same age

Her: Why so spiteful and venomous?

Rattlesnake: Brenda, we’ve already been through this.

I *only* pee in the shower…like a goddamn gentleman.

I will go completely out of my way to go completely out of my way.

Tsunami Advisory would be a beautiful name for a girl

I can be very self-absorbed.

(That's it. That's the post.)

Bouncing around with baby goats in the low gravity of the moon. Join us.

I am a very delicate soul, please step on my neck while you jerk me off.

Competitive eating, but it's just me and my kid hiding the package of Oreos from each other.

Mayor? I barely know her.

Today, Satan