bacon popsicle 👼

I've been telling so many folks that I hope my parents are happy in heaven that dad now wishes I'd picked them out a care home with a different name.

her: We need to talk

me: As you wish

her: Your obsession with The Princess Bride is driving me crazy

me: Inconceivable!

her: That's it, I’m leaving you

me: I think you're bluff—

her: *slams the door*

me: *turning to camera* Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive binoculars or telescopes is by simply standing closer to the object that you wish to view.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

When asked what their dying wish would be, anyone who doesn't say it would be that they weren't dying has clearly not thought things through.

Superman realizing he doesn’t have any pockets, shoving his cell phone into the waistband of his red external underwear, resigning to it just sticking halfway out.

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

I simply do not understand why aliens don’t want to abduct me

Back in my day bonesmashing was when you stubbed your boner.

things that are making me smile at work today:

• randomly grabbing a bunch of envelopes that end up being the exact quantity i need

• coffee

things that are annoying me at work today:

• everything else

wondering if a passport is required to relocate to pluto

Your star will shine again one day, Charlie Brown

Some say the canaries still work down there, and on true crime nights with no sitcoms you can hear them cry like the phoenix to say just kidding, laughter

Remembering when "March Madness" was about basketball and not the entire fucking planet.

Good times.

You would think that given our national obsession with guns it would be easier to sell the idea of a bullet train here.

The International Astronomical Union demoted Pluto from being a planet due to its small size.

So the IAU are a bunch of size queens.

Operation Epic Furry

Museum Guide: So we keep all our best paintings here in this room

Me: *way too loud* HALL OF FRAME

Guide: *taking out tazer* Look away everybody

Hot in the way that I glow from within. Fueled by feminine rage and rogue hormones.

Panic! in the panic room. fully expected

I see my skeets are bombing as usual

I haven’t felt this dead in years

I've a feeling that that $10BN for the Board of Peace has got lost in the wash.

Find yourself someone who salutes your red flags.

Being mean to baristas is an absolute dealbreaker for me. You have to be or get lost.

my retirement plan is the collapse of civilization

I love the internet… a depository of human’s collective information & knowledge.

Like the fabled Library of Alexandria of Egypt from before Christ’s time on Earth.

And I love that we use it for cat pictures, pornography, and to look up Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyrics.

I never know when to use whom so I just use it all the time.

For example: Whom and my mom went to the store.

Live
Laugh
Lozenge (for the little tickle in my throat)

I warmed up the queso for your pillow, m'dear.

my own private blood moon happened in high school when I wore white jeans while on my period