bacon popsicle 😬

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

me: *putting Sister Agatha back down* sorry, Reverend Mother

🫡😬

trying to slough off these multitudes by rubbing myself on a big rock

Sorry I didn't respond like a human. I've been dissociated for the last ten years. Blob brain.

If you see me on a street corner this summer, mind your business. My kid needs braces.

I don't think it's actually possible to be mean while talking into a hot dog phone.

now, more than ever, we need an ominous giant head to appear on all screens worldwide and declare in a deep voice that our planet is going to be devoured

my work emails are starting to read like shitposts, and my shitposts read like, please advise.

let’s all place our hearts and brains into a shelter for awhile

I don't know if a big juicy bratwurst smothered in sauerkraut and mustard would fix me or not but I'm 100% sure it wouldn't do any further damage.

Ugh. I gotta go to a doctor.

Now just to remember which doctor.

WITCH DOCTOR

I forget that I can say whatever I want here because nobody can read.

I’ve taken “no offense” out of my lexicon. Get mad, bitch, idc

Sometimes I feel crazy but it's just that my phone brightness is too high

don’t ask if my computer is backed up it’s none of your bitness

Screw bananas. One second they’re like, “Don’t worry bro you got days to eat us,” and then you turn around and they’re like, *cough* “We’re dying bro. You should’ve eaten us days ago bro.” *cough*

Working for the IRS must be taxing.

It’s a beautiful day to say how you really feel when asked if you’re okay, make them regret asking you in the first place.

longing for the days when the evil people in charge were at least 𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘪-𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 evil people in charge

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Macaroni & cheese has been acquired.
My stomach is pleased.

low battery mode but for my brain

everybody gets back the energy they put out, if someone throws a ball at a wall hard enough and for long enough, eventually it will bounce back and hit them in the face

feeling like you're fleeing the scene because you refuse to clean up the mess that was left by the fucker before you

i generally don't have a suspicious mind about most things in my life as it seems like a lot of energy to- what? i am not hovering over my coffee mug, why are you eyeing it anyway?

your honor, i thought he was cake

My sighing has gotten so loud it can be mistaken for the mating call of a humpback whale

Extra big shoehorn for my onesie

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents

Anyone know when tickets for Nuremberg Trials II go on sale?

I hate paying scalpers but any port in a storm

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.