bacon popsicle 👼

Monday: *exists*

Me: *serves a Cease and Desist order*

why even is monday????

Thanks to your precious Daylight Saving, a heroic but confused time traveler just missed killing Hitler by one hour.

Happy now?

Don't blow smoke up my ass on a Monday and call it a Tuesday.

You only reskeet me when you’re naked

I've earned 2 blocks and a good poster list addition today and I haven't even posted. 💅

This is all so unnecessarily fucking stupid, and destructive.

*eats a peanut butter and 50 mg black cherry gummy sandwich for lunch*

You ever just sneezed and hurt your back?

...Yeah, me neither.

my weeds are more colorful than theirs, and other pep talks I give myself

today is a shut my office door and play landslide on repeat kinda day

every time i say "bequeath" i need to rinse with mouthwash

Came for the hors d'oeuvres, stayed for the chaise lounge.

Good choice 👍

- What’s your occupation?
- I’m a black market organ dealer.
- Have you no heart, sir?
- Not till Friday.

I believe in global warming because there’s no way in hell this is the same SC heat the colonial elite wore those powdered wigs in.

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

If you don’t have an evil twin, you ARE an evil twin.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of squirrels.

if we could just get the politics out of politics

if evolution had gone slightly differently, birds would be wearing human boas and complaining about how itchy the hair is

😂😂

my favourite angels, ranked:

10. Angels With Dirty Faces
9. Angela Bassett
8. Buffy’s friend
7. Capelli d'angelo pasta
6. Angelópolis, Colombia
5. Angelfish
4. Lucifer
3. Angel by Massive Attack
2. Clarence
1. Angel cake

Partial section of the face of a full-size chocolate cat being held over the face of an actual cat.

Phantom of the Opurra

Some people believe that demons are angels that God expelled from heaven. Others insist they are evil elemental spirits who take pleasure in destroying all that’s good in the world. I just call them my kids.

This day in history. 1963. It's Teachers' Day in Lebanon if the Israeli government hasn't killed them all yet.

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

i think if dr seuss was alive to see such times he would have said fuck this shit but you know with rhymes

now would be an amazing time to be an astronaut not stuck on earth

Remind me to never grocery shop without a list (on weed)