bacon popsicle 🛑

her: We need to talk

me: As you wish

her: Your obsession with The Princess Bride is driving me crazy

me: Inconceivable!

her: That's it, I’m leaving you

me: I think you're bluff—

her: *slams the door*

me: *turning to camera* Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something

Genie: And your third wish?

Me: Reveal the hidden valley where they make delicious ranch dressing.

This day in history. 306. Martyrdom of Adrian of Nicomedia, Roman magistrate who was so impressed by the obstinance of the Christians he was torturing that he became a Christian and eventually patron saint of fallacy and gullibility.

The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I don’t fear death, just being summarized reductively.

Guitar shop: "Nice axe!"

Murder shop: "Nice axe!"

A world full of content with so little meaning.

i read something off a card and kept repeating it to myself so i could remember to type it out and only realised after a delay that i was saying 2006 to myself instead of 2026 and that's how sharp my brain is today

And they shall know me by the trail of sesame seeds from my morning bagel.

me and my homies are always reading articles

just mastered a potion that melts your insides and then it all slowly leaks out of every orifice leaving you just a pile of skin

It’s never how many. It’s who.

I eat healthy because I feel guilty for helping to bring life into the universe and they might need my help for several decades.

TGIF am I right?

We all would’ve be fired 6-9 months ago.

My desire to wrap your car around a telephone pole.

[updating my dating profile]
Just an old rolling stone who rolled over the hill

We should bring back elephant jokes

Going to start using the word whilst just to piss people off.

hotel california implies the existence of hotels named after the other 49 states

The doctor told my husband he could stand to gain a few pounds, and I gained 10 pounds just from overhearing the conversation.

Magic in your hands one minute, dropped and kicked under the stove the next. That reminds you though how the broken fixes itself when you make an appointment and maybe one pretend phone call is a wand

Medieval manuscript image of three princesses watching (with "concern" and smiles) as two knights hack the shit out of each other. (Dietmar de Setzer at a tournament, Germany, c1310, University of Heidelberg)

Christians watching the Middle East rn

Putting my cold foot on my own leg to see how I like it

Instead of trying to fight my demons I tried talking to them and tbh they’re pretty nice guys. Their wives are cool. Our dogs get along great. They even invited me over to try a glass of my hopes this Wednesday.

I've been vulnerable before. Zero stars.

i’m in a pseudosituantionship with myself and one of me has no problem with that.

(after sex )

him: technical difficulty
me: skill issue

Bear with me: a couch that serves sandwiches so you don’t have to get up to make one. No I don’t know how it works, I’m an ideas person not an engineer fuck off

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane