bacon popsicle ☕️

I wanted to surprise my friends attending this year’s Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Ball by decorating the hall before they all arrived but unfortunately everyone came early.

Relationship status: staring wistfully at store mannequins dressed in yoga pants for just a few seconds longer than is decent in polite society.

A digital sign in a snowy landscape displays two messages: "DO NOT LET MOOSE" and "LICK YOUR CAR."

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Emojis are the hieroglyphs of a society that lost its way.

This day in history. 2023. World Seagrass Day was declared by the United Nations you see seagrass ecosystems have a greater capacity to sequester carbon and mitigate climate change than terrestrial ecosystems you really can't buy excitement like this can you.

Spilling fresh coffee in my lap only to find it isn't even hot enough to scald me is why I have trust issues.

I would tell you what’s up, but the wi-fi in the crypt is a bit outdated.

Made a vein attempt to look for the blood moon.

Take to the backroads and let them know you mean meandering

So in my own headlock lately saying the mantra to stop questioning yourself stop questioning yourself that I just hand over my lunch money to my other hand

I’m so glad I drive to my office twice a week to look at my manager’s closed door

Remember when we cancelled cable to save money?

Now I pay more than cable ever charged me to subscribe to 12 streaming apps and still rent the one thing I actually want.

On eye charts it might be fun to replace one line of letters with the words "what you did there."

Fat Tuesday. Finally. A day right up my alley. Debauchery so intense I need to swear it off for the next 40 days.

what if it happens in the middle of the night and i'm the only one awake?

love when I cross someone’s mind and they act on it

I've started saying "sad trombone noises" as an expression of sympathy in real life. I'm not sure if it will catch on or not...

Can you change the name your Sith master gives you, or am I stuck with Darth Grouchypants?

If you hold an empty Pringles can to your ear, you can hear the potatoes screaming.

sometimes, right before I fall asleep, it feels like fleas are biting me wanna hang out

Sometimes I want to be a horse.

If your battery life is always at 69%, you're doing social media right.

This is absolutely not where I saw myself 5 years ago

draw me like one of your french fries

today is just stupid
i wish i could hug each of you irl

Actually i prefer mic drops over nuke drops.

Sorry I wrote YOLO! on your death certificate.

the fuckery is persisting like it's in competition with itself

if i had a plastic lavender plant i would probably still find a way to unintentionally kill it

Me: The day has come and now is your time to shine. The odds may seem impossible but I want you to keep these words of inspiration close to your heart;
"Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?"

Autumn: