Theciscokidder

why isn’t someone dropping off cake every Caturday to every household
like what are we paying taxes for

him: nice dress
me: thanks, i was buried in it

The sultry slip of the sundress strap off the shoulder of the shlinky sheductressh oh no I’m doing my Sean Connery again

While scrolling, I 100% thought this was Darth Vader.

"Late to bed,
early to rise,
makes it so,
you can't open your eyes."

- Ben Franklin after a night out drinking (probably)

Not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to the first time my robot rolls a blunt.

Heading out to the kids baseball tournament to look at hot hungover dads struggling in the sun

Let’s back this up a little closer to the source material, I say as I slam face-first into a wall.

I am really not a fan of the word “discharge”

My approach to life is the concept of aiming low.

That way, when something happens that surpasses the bare minimum expectation of, “wake up still breathing,” by even the slightest amount, it feels like a win.

😆🍻

😂😂

😁🙌

My wife booked a trip to Iceland with her mom and I never should have asked, "Did you get your mother a one-way ticket?" I know this now.

My mind ran 10,000 miles today . . . all in circles. Yet my smartwatch didn't capture that.

Wanting people to be able to live their lives free from discrimination is not seeking perfection, it is seeking the bare minimum for all of humanity. Everyone deserves this right.

My therapist said you talk too much

I think there needs to be more discourse about the appropriate time and place to throw a neon green dildo at someone. Neon green dildos should not just be thrown at anybody. Neon green dildos should be reserved for only the highest level offenders: People who tip under 15% at restaurants.

Telling myself not to panic didn’t work, so now I’m telling myself to panic instead while blindly hoping that a latent form of oppositional defiance will kick in.

My therapist: you tend to pursue damaged people to try and fix them. Me: you do that too cartoon image with words: therapist, listen here you little shit

🤣☠️

Has anyone seen my sanity?

Time to hop in that abandoned cart and ride, singing "owner of a lonely cart, owner of a lonely cart" into the night

I made it to 10:30 last night and I have regrets 😂

Me: (birdwatching) ooo a brown one

I bet this lady with panda eyeliner and a Scorpio Rising shirt knows how to put a decent curse on all her exes.

wow i need to log off i heard a bunch of seagull commotion on my way home and literally my first thought was “ooh, a lot of discourse happening in the seagull community”

People on social media: How old were you when you found out that...
Me: Twelve. I was twelve, you dummy! Everyone knew that!

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it's about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Lighting bridges on fire and walking out the door
Happy weekend!

Tired of seeing my name come across your timeline yet today?