Alex Blechman

The screaming faces of souls trapped in Freddy Krueger’s torso hope you’re not mad at them too when you criticize Freddy Krueger

The Swordsman: I am hunting down every Nobel Peace Prize winner to add their medal to my blade. When I have them all, I will be powerful enough to bring world peace

Forging 100 Nobel Prizes into the ultimate weapon, The Sword of Peace

I hate when I’m riding a bus on a dark moonless highway and all the passengers gradually figure out we died and are trapped in purgatory

If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter

Welcome to 60 Minutes. Our top story tonight is Snakes: Nature’s Spaghetti

In the 1990s the absolute worst thing that could happen to a fictional character is working a well paying stable office job

Early Dilbert comics were funny but also harmful to society because they turned us against the noble cubicle. Cubicles were civilization’s apex - a cloth box for everyone, millennia of progress ending in a private paradise cube - but Dilbert made them uncool and we’ve paid the price ever since

As screenwriter of the Labubu movie I want to clear up some misconceptions. Yes, technically they do eat human flesh, but only necrotic tissue around wounds. Doctors use them to clean up injuries and promote positive health outcomes. Labubus are humanity’s allies, except for evil Labubus of course

If The Adjudicator turned his skyscraper-sized thumb downward and bellowed “Guilty! Earth shall be exiled to Time Prison for one million eons” I’d have to grudgingly say “fair enough”

This would be a bad time for a 1,000 foot tall alien named The Adjudicator to appear floating in the sky and proclaim he has come to judge humanity. I hope any cosmic entities wait a few years before deciding Earth’s fate

You have to be able to pick up a freighter ship and use it as a baseball bat

The internet used to be Homestar Runner. It was a place of joy

I take it as a personal insult that I’m joking about price inflation online. In a normal world the only people who would know what inflation is are economists and jeopardy contestants

All food is getting more expensive except bananas, which are instead getting more spiders. Becoming encrusted with webs is banana inflation. When apples are $10 each bananas will still be 17 cents but entirely mummified

The reason fingers work on touchscreens but not inanimate objects is the phone is powered by consuming a tiny piece of your soul

“Look for the helpers” I mutter resolutely, opening up en.wikipedia .org/wiki/He-Man

Me: Ugh, I don’t know why I look at my phone just to view horrible depressing news

*I open a browser and type en.wikipedia .org/wiki/skeletor*

If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter

ExcaliburFinalFinalEditVersion17Revised2

One for the Moanaheads out there

Not only are food prices going up and portions shrinking, produce quality is down too. Stores that used to have good fruit now have moldy fruit. The closest historical parallel economists can draw is when Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, unleashing coconut blight on the island of Motunui

We’ve tried lowering grocery prices by taxing imported food and arresting all the farmhands, but nothing seems to work

We as a society cannot start to heal until all Americans join together and buy me a vintage 1990s Star Trek: TNG pinball machine (retail value $10,000 USD) that will look cool in my living room

I don’t think Ghoul Troopers should be allowed to suck all the life force out of their victims so they dissolve into a powdery skeleton. Ghoul Troopers should be limited to making them ten years older

*Samara crawls out of the TV holding a DoorDash bag with your Chipotle order*

Uh oh, are we in a boss gauntlet

Switching my investments from stocks & bonds to big pile of canned food buried beneath a log in the forest

Referee: Penalty! No swords allowed in the pie eating contest zone until after the boulder crushes The Offering

There should be a pro sport that has the same salary cap as the NFL ($300 million) but pays each player the average US salary ($60,000) so every team has 5000 players. I don’t know what the 10000 players per game sport is yet but I bet it’d be the best one to watch