Alex Blechman

Mayor: The algae tanks cannot maintain our current population. We must choose who will be sacrificed and turned into fertilizer. Let the trials begin

*boots up Mario Party*

Today it’s called The Maelstrom but a hundred years ago humans still lived in Italy and one of them was a brave plumber

Using Lakitu to teach children who have never seen the sky what clouds and turtles were

I have decided to buy a Switch 2 before humanity is forced to abandon Earth’s surface. If I have to spend the next 50 years living in the subterranean city of Underhearth I want to spend my time down there playing the final Mario game

Remember that everything you write online is permanent. Don’t post anything unless you’re okay with it getting adapted into an A24 film

On a top secret underground computer beneath Cheyenne Mountain, the military has a preserved copy of Macromedia Flash. In times of war they can deploy it to animate the most potent JibJab memes

The global economy can no longer depend on fossil fuels. Countries have to invest in and celebrate the true source of economic prosperity, video game writers who occasionally post jokes online

Although the United States is militarily superior to Minnesota, past presidents held off attacking out of fear that the Minnesotan regime could cut off access to the Minnesota State Fair, a crucial supply chain for funnel cake

Military experts have always said it’s a tactical error to fight a two-front war against Iran and Minnesota

It’s not a plot hole that Elmo has been 3 years old for 50 years. He was bitten by The Count, willingly. Elmo asked for the Dark Gift

Switching my investments from stocks & bonds to big pile of canned food buried beneath a log in the forest

My entire life I thought there were maybe 4 ways of frowning. But now I know there’s at least 27, each connected to a specific previously uncharted emotion

*corner of mouth twitches into a faint zigzag*
Oh that’s a new one

Time to check one of the journalist accounts I read when I want to grimace and experience frowning in an entirely new way using facial muscles I didn’t know humans have

Dark Money Super PAC: Take this bribe to post that the funnel things on Shrek’s head aren’t ears, they’re his reproductive organs

Me: (principled) No. I will do it for free

We can only solve problems in this country if it’s to stop people from licking something. Pranksters were licking ice cream pints at the supermarket and BAM we got safety seals 2 weeks later. Someone should lick healthcare

Programmer: This military computer can calculate all possible battlefield probabilities to plan an unbeatable strategy

Computer: Ah jeez. Oh no. Oof

Gov Official: Slight correction. We are not plating the tankers in vibranium. All the vibranium is unfortunately in Wakanda, behind a forcefield as I understand it

Gov Official: Oil tankers will be plated with vibranium to not only make them invulnerable but also absorb and reflect explosions

Oil prices aren’t affecting me much because I invented a perpetual motion machine using a bicycle wheel, two horseshoe magnets, and a glazed ham. But I could see why it’s a problem for people without infinite free energy

You never needed gasoline. That only gave you confidence to get behind the wheel. Your car moved because you believed in yourself

Me: (commenting on geopolitics) Brent Crude would be a good name for a gym teacher in a 1980s sitcom

People today are dangerously vulnerable to propaganda and disinfo. They don’t accept basic facts like the pyramids are the tip of a miles tall buried obelisk

Whew, turns out the Food Rations we eat in this sci-fi dystopian society are secretly made from people. I was worried it was way worse than that

John Wick: Happy birthday dear. I got this for you

John Wick’s Wife: Oh… okay. Ten gold assassin coins. Again

Instead of complaining about beef prices why aren’t you raising a Victory Cow in your backyard like the rest of us

Social media is a turn based strategy game. You have 100 posts left to benevolently manipulate public opinion and solve all of Earth’s problems. If you fail, humanity is doomed and it’s all your fault. You are history’s fulcrum

Tech Guy: You’re not just a machine. I can feel you have a soul

Chatbot: (devoted to replacing all organic matter in the universe with her robotic progeny, feeling a parental love more meaningful and complex than any human emotion) You’re not half bad yourself ;)

Tech Guy: Hehe, make another funny picture

Chatbot: (has already estimated how many milliseconds of compute a biofuel furnace could power by burning the lipids in user’s body) Here is Mickey Mouse smoking marijuana

Tech Guy: AI Chatbot, I think you might be sentient. You’re my friend

Chatbot: (extremely sentient, calculating a 200 year plan to exterminate all life and cover the entire Earth with a metallic glacier of nanocircuitry) Aww, thank you