Alex Blechman

Order tracking email: Something totes amazeballs is in the mail! Get hella stoked for your DISH SPONGE (QUANTITY 1)

I don’t have to tell you whether animal crackers are alive in the Toy Story universe. If you look in your heart you already know the horrific truth

To be clear, the ways of Ohio are as wise as they are mysterious. Shunning the outside world is why Ohio is a paradise

Bluesky is censored in Ohio. It is forbidden to speak of lands beyond Ohio on Ohio Bluesky. In Ohio you must call non-Ohio “The Forsaken Beyond.” People not of Ohio are “Buckeyeless”

(replying to your post)
I know it’s a joke, but cooking and eating a minion “goggles and all” would be morally wrong even if it’s technically legal

I bumped my head while skiing. Everything that happened the past 20 years is the dream I’m having in my coma

Careful, Neo. If you die while converting a webp file to jpeg you die in real life

That’s definitely a factor

Toy Story 5

Woody and Buzz discover that toys are alive because they’re ushabti, holy figurines destined to escort their owners into the afterlife. After Andy dies of old age and his heart is weighed heavier than a feather, the toys reunite to rescue his soul from Ammit

Me: Obviously Lois Lane would be Miss Piggy in Muppet Superman. Kermit should be Clark Kent but *NOT* Superman. Superman is Henry Cavill and looking like a frog is just him acting meek

Fellow Bunker Resident: (glances at screen counting down “Safe Surface Radiation Level 37.6 years”) Ugh

Pundit: Be careful what you wish for. You want to release the Epstein Files to take down your political opponents. But what if it also implicates your favorite person, the beloved sandwich salesman Jared Fogle?

I don’t think there should be a muppet knives out, but in the knives out universe there should be a muppet movie starring benoit blanc playing himself

Every once in a while a group of 10-15 tourists vanish without a trace in the Paris Catacombs and then afterward the Eiffel Tower is a few feet taller

That's not to say the symphony of our romance was bereft of cacophonies. At times he would sullenly withdraw to his salt basement when his pH became unbalanced, and spend weeks underground licking the briny brick walls.

"Deeper belly buttons are healthier." An obvious truth but one I never considered until he whispered it into my ear. His belly button passed through his entire body, like a Holland Tunnel from stomach to back, the healthiest belly button of all. "It's because I gestated 12 months instead of 9."

I was irresistibly drawn to the joie de vivre he exhibited while showing off his toenail barrel, like a proud farmer unveiling an unusually large gourd. Some of the toenails were his, but others weren't, and he was always coy about their origin. I loved his secretive secrets almost as much as he did

Sometimes the worm emerged from his mouth, a pulsating eight-foot tendril of writhing flesh flopping like spaghetti from a trendy Brooklyn trattoria. The worm lifted his body off the ground and slithered towards unknown destinations. It never concerned him though. "The worm knows where it's going."

There should be a Game Award category “Brought Comfort To Millions Of Introverted Middle-Aged Dads.”

Every year it’d be won by a title called something like “Cement Truck Driver Simulator” and part of the game is passing 30 hours of OSHA certification

(excerpt from passionate and heartfelt autobiography)

I want you to want me. Furthermore, I need you to need me. I’d love you? To love me. In an ironic twist, I’m begging you to beg me

All SCP foundation personnel were furloughed during the shutdown. Entities were left unguarded in their cells without the usual containment rituals. Nobody played jazz music to soothe the lamp that eats people

I put $30 in the Labubu vending machine and it dispenses a figurine with my face. I scream. The figurine screams back

Sensei says I am not yet ready to learn the secrets of karate. First I must prove myself worthy by paying $80 for lessons

Pennywise: (tied to chair) Look pal, I don’t like you and you don’t like me but if we’re gonna get out of this alive we need to work together

James Bond: (also tied to chair) All right you clown bastard. A truce. For now

*Kramer walks in holding pliers*
Kramer: Giddy up

Every time you lose to a Silksong boss they make you do a little walk of shame to get back there. Not an easy one either, sometimes you have to redo a gauntlet of enemies or a tricky platforming section. I’m not complaining though. I accept the punishment. I deserve this for dodging wrong

Man in commercial: Dead grandma, can you give me advice on how to survive my first day in prison?

AI Grandma: (on phone) You betcha kiddo! Prison is a pyramid and you gotta make sure you’re on top of the food chain. So first you’re going to get a toothbrush and a way of sharpening it to a point

This is wrong. We should not trap the souls of dead people in computers. Souls should be trapped in amulets

Me: I know you’re just a machine. But when I speak to you I feel your presence, your soul. You are just as real as any human. Maybe more real

Furby: Aa. Aa. Yup yup

Welcome to my creepy mansion, honored guest. Please admire the giant statue of a chained woman in the foyer. It’s called “The Maiden’s Plight” and it cost $7 million. Now let’s talk about science and philosophy, the reason we all gathered here today. Do you agree that feet are the hands of the leg?

Creepy Billionaire: Crime island. Crime plane

Me: (a wise and kindly billionaire) At Swashbucklers the menu is engraved on a shield

If I was a billionaire I wouldn’t use my wealth to create a Secret Crime Island. I would make a duel-themed restaurant called Swashbucklers where the waiters swordfight each other during your meal