JakeMeUpB4UGoGo

Dear Invisalign,
Hi! Very satisfied customer here. You absolutely should offer your customers fitted vampire fangs at Halloween. Thank you.
-Jake

The SNL credits open with Michael Che and Mikey Day, setting the expectation that the cast will be comprised of rhyming duos. This is immediately not paid off.

Apropos of nothing, I’m launching a comedy career under the stage name Jandrew Bismukes.

...at some point around the middle they came for John Bolton, and I did not speak out, because it kinda seemed like that dude belongs in prison.

Remember in the 90s when after Anaconda, Armageddon, and The Haunting it seemed like Owen Wilson was going to have a very Sean Bean career?

If I had a nickel for every movie based on a Stephen King novella about a boy and an old man where the actor playing the boy tragically died in his late 20s while the actor playing the old man is still alive over two decades later… I’d have two nickels…

2 weeks late

I wrote a really great epitaph for Sara Jane Moore… shit, where is it? Anyway it’s really great… wait… Shit, where is it?

Talk Of Fascism Dangerous, Warns Ministry Of Compliance

Talk Of Fascism Dangerous, Warns Ministry Of Compliance

Anyone want to take bets on what gets Seth Meyers pulled off the air?

The new paperback edition of You Like It Darker has an extra story in it and I am taking this as a lesson to never buy a @stephenking.bsky.social story collection in hardcover again. He writes too much, gotta wait for paperback in the future.

Okay so I didn’t get a callback for Macbeth. But if a surprise callback comes later because someone else drops out, then I’m just a few murders from the lead, baby!

[needing this more than anything I have ever asked a person] no worries if not!

I saw a post claiming that JD Vance does not live up to his supposed Catholic beliefs. I took issue with that and pointed out that he expends considerable effort to protect a pederast and what could be more Catholic than that?

Like… no, seriously, put aside all his shitty politics and… I could accept someone younger than me before I could accept someone born within a couple months of me…

…I know it’s coming in the next couple years if not this weekend… but I am not ready for the President to be a dude my age…

reposted this today because the inverse is also true:

if you abandon trans people right now, you are abandoning civil rights period.

if you can't stand up for trans people when it matters, no one should, or will, ever trust you when the bullseye moves to the next target.

Why the FUCK is Hell House LLC.: Lineage only playing in theaters for two fucking days?!?!?

Take off THEIR gloves? You can’t even fucking curse…

it is really funny that Elon Musk can't even win an argument on the website he owns with the AI he owns as arbitrator

hear me out here, what if none of it is a 'distraction' and they're just doing a lot of horrible shit simultaneously

Watching The Blob and a goo from space that eats everything is more believable than pushing-30 Steve McQueen as a teenager…

I feel like the internet is way ahead of me on this but working at video stores I must have seen this poster/cover a billion times but never noticed the horrifying neck contortions before…

Adult Harry Potter fans are weird grow up and get overly invested in Star Trek like an adult

Hey Dawn of the Dead* SLAPS!

(*written by James Gunn)

Stephen Colbert has been ripping on Donald Trump for over a decade. He got cancelled when he went after the corporate owners of CBS. Trump is a fettid pustle of syphilitic excrement but as per usual the villain is capitalism.

Liam Gallagher Declares Oasis Concerts Safe for Cheaters: 'We Don't Have That Coldplay Camera' Liam Gallagher jokes that Oasis concerts are safe for cheaters following an apparent infidelity incident that unfolded on a Coldplay jumbotron camera.

"Doesn’t matter to us who you’re fucking mingling with, or tingling with, or fingering with. It’s none of our fucking business."

Beyond the whole thing of “innocent until proven guilty,” Stephen King is right: there is likely NOT a “list” of a bunch of names under the header “sexual predators.” (Am I be cutting him slack ‘cuz I love his books? Maybe.) There ARE flight logs that don’t prove guilt but they sure raise questions.

Why yes this joke IS reposted because I messed it up the first time…

When I finish an Italian film, I feel fine. When I finish a Swedish film, I feel like a slut.

To a geek, there are few pleasures as glorious as showing your partner one of your favorite films and having them say “that was one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.”