Mr. Big Penis.

Every time I go in a public restroom I gotta put up one of them "being cleaned do not enter" signs so that I don't accidentally fatally mog anyone at the urinals.

the suicide vest stays on during sex

Slack your rope hangman you'll need a bigger loop to fit my big penis through.

I've started writing haikus here's my first one I hope you like it:

Cat sits by window
Watches the leaves falling down
My penis is huge.

Sucks that Halloween is over so quickly I wish it was socially acceptable to go around in a spooky black cloak and menace passers-by year round.

im gay in ways that would have scientists ripping their glasses off their face in horror to mutter "my God" under their breath

This cum tribute is dedicated to the brave mujahideen fighters of Afghanistan.

But why would you?

You set your alarms every 10 minutes I set mine every 15 we are not the same.

Do you think your phone gets mad when you keep ignoring its notifications?

Man good news this morning good news this evening this day fucks like a big penis.

Dick down! 🥳🎉🎊.

Still holding out hope that the old one will show up eventually and I'll be able to rescue some data from it.

Got a new phone finally but now I have to contend with the loss of my hundreds of (apparently unsynced) notes and photos of my cats.

I could really do with that extra 3 hours of daylight savings time I suggested recently right about now.

[ðæts ɪt fʌk jʊ ˈæshoʊlz aɪm ˈɡoʊɪŋ tʊ ælˈbeɪniə].

Kitty seems dangerously close to figuring out how to open drawers.

They took the ephedrine out of diet pills and the dxm out of cough syrup and they added bitter flavor to duster and morning glory seeds and then they complain that nobody is going to the store enough

Also can we agree that the lit review is one of the most annoying parts as a reader? Like look at all this other shit you should have read I'm just gonna interrupt every other sentence with some names and dates in parentheses to make sure you know how much shit I've read because I'm better than you.

Look I get the point of literature reviews I really do but also like fuck literature reviews all my homies hate literature reviews. I'm already writing the article that's the fucking hard part (well that and my big penis) the least you could do is go and read the referenced literature yourself.

I wish they made condoms in my size I bet safe sex feels great.

Sorry y'all I just secured the patent on thinking. No more of that for you.

I have just had what is possibly the greatest idea that ever has been had.

My kitty never takes the penjamin when I try to pass it I don't understand does she hate me or something? Really harshing my buzz.

They can't keep me down because I just get hard again and then I'm back in the stratosphere.

What if we just added like 4 extra hours tonight like fuck normal daylight savings I'm tryna save my own ass.

They call me "big papi" on account of I'm big and I... papi what the fuck that doesn't make any sense.

What the fuck even is sleep like I swear I'm still in here why do I gotta pretend I'm not?

The universe is punishing me because my penis is too big.

A pictograph depicting a mountain sheep (Oris montana) "taken from the Moki inscriptions at Oakley Springs, Arizona, by Mr. G. K. Gilbert", recorded in Garrick Mallery's (ca. 1886) Pictographs of the North American Indians (p. 47).

Just look at this jolly little sheep.