Your God

How do I tell him I want him to amp it up bad ?

This tumblr text post from user kittykatninja321 reads “they match each other’s freak to a degrees that is dangerous to the public”

If they are poly then I hope things get more intense with him. The level of feral between us would be unmatched. It would be nice to embrace some new parts of myself while fulfilling things I never thought would be

I don’t know if he’s poly (god I hope he is) but obviously for sure enm. His girlfriend is so pretty and soft femme but she definitely has a bite that I love seeing her unleash on idiot men. I don’t think I’d date her since she’s so femme but I would definitely scene and be friends with her

Anyway yeah I’m not only physically feral for this man but he’s encouraging behaviors without knowing it (or maybe he does know it) that have me going nuts. Anytime he mentions his research/notes on me I want to jump his bones and suck the life out of him

I already keep notes on him, maybe I’ll make them more in depth rather than just the little tidbits I have here and there.

It’s not super intentional observation. I just notice things. That is, until I gain an invested interest. Then I start focusing and learning more.

I am aware of his behavior in a multitude of ways because he’s given me access. Fet, discord (with two shared servers), and steam basically informs me how he spends his days away from work and kink events.

I observe and study people like that all the time. I just don’t tell them about it. I usually keep that shit quiet because people don’t usually like when they are being watched like that. But he makes me want to embrace that and show him how much I enjoy observing him

Every time I share some insight into my behavior or talk about a kink or hell even my fucking steam wishlist / library he always says “I know. I do my research.” And when I tell you the more pinpointed and obscure the information the wetter I get

That’s right besties we’re romanticizing those traits for me now. I’m finally embracing them in a kinky way because I have a top who likes intently observing me and it’s triggering some wild feelings

I both love and hate that I’m obsessive and possessive

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A gift for @cadaverdoe.bsky.social

Detail: Lilith,by John Collier 1892

#art #painting #illustration

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Also I have no fucking idea how I’m going to hide all this bruising from my family and people at school. Like it extends down my arms and up my neck. I’ll need to wear long sleeves and keep my hair down

I think I’m craving connection more than anything tbh

As I’m writing this I’m realizing that I’m not insane for needing support. A new level of damage and pain inflicted upon my body has been reached. I’ve never gotten anywhere this much before. Of course I’m shocked and struggling

For some reason a fact that is comforting me is that the body cannot tell the difference between consensual and nonconsensual trauma so it will react the same regardless.

What I didn’t expect though was to have “what have I done?” Thoughts when looking in the mirror. I love marks and bruising. But this is the first time I’ve left a scene with this much damage and I think it’s shocking to me.

But the downside is this severe ass drop. The pain and swelling are certainly contributing to the crummy feelings.

Honest to god I’ve never been more turned on in my life. There was so much about my time with him that makes me absolutely feral. Made worse by the fact that I didn’t get off during so it was essentially a massive tease

The scene itself was amazing. I hung out with My Biter (who has definitely earned that title now) and he spent the better part of six hours biting me all over my torso. Im covered in teeth shaped bruises and huge swathes of solid purple skin. I loved every second and would do it again in a heartbeat

It’s especially sucky because I’m honest to god not sure what I need from him to feel better. I’m not having any specific insecurities or negative thoughts. I’m just sad and want to be held and treated gently.

God I fucking hate sub drop. The physical toll on my body is rough so I’m not at all surprised at my mood being low. I just hate that I feel insane for needing support.

Now, do I also hope that he bites me and possibly does more ? Yes. But that would just be gravy.

Like as much as I want to jump him I also just really want to enjoy relaxing social time with people. I yearn for the intimacy of that kind of connection. I appreciate being trusted enough to be invited into someone’s private space

Im going to hang out with my Biter tomorrow and im so excited to just vibe with him.

I don’t know but I’m so giddy and I want to jump his fucking bones

WHAT PURPOSE ??? What will he be writing in this book ??? What book will he choose ??? Will he finally make a move ?