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This isn’t a yearning for rekindling or anything of the sort. Just a reflection of me and my growth this far. And where my priorities lie. And also where I gotta do better at going forward.

I felt cared for in a way that I could tangibly feel. Not in other ways where other women would poke and prod for the sake of knowing. Lo made me feel understood but not in a motherly way. But as a peer.

Often realizing that the same openness or safety was hardly reciprocated I became often insulated. And I think that’s the part where I thought I missed Lo the most. Because it didn’t feel like work. It felt like the closest I’ve had to a true friendship in that manner.

An open pasture of peace and safety. Where thoughts and feelings could be expressed to me or time without ends. A freedom that overcame them. Which often led to attraction of some sorts. I didn’t do these things in any pursuit of sexual advances. Things just happened.

A bunch of the women I’ve shared embraces with I’ve reconnected with recently with sex the furthest thing I mind with them. And it’s like since that clarity has happened. There wasn’t anything shared it was just me creating space for them to be themselves

I’m not the finest man in the world. I’m definitely top 100. But even still. It be weird when that happens. And the funny thing is that 2015 me would be beaming with the attention. That’s all he ever really wanted. But it’s not worth it. Tbh.

When I’m around fine women or strippers in the wild I can see the peers around me clam up and melt. But yes they are attractive people but they still people. It’s ok. They not items In a museum or animals at the zoo. And I feel that happens a lot.

I know this is such a first world problem. But when women get enamored with my attractiveness first it gets to a place of awkwardness to me. Because why are you nervous. Why become shy in that instant. Because the temperature changes when that happens and a pedestal is placed.

Bangershop eBay

That’s how I feel too. But alas.

As for me tho. How you are is how you are. And I’m ok with that. Not saying it should be like that as a standard.

I feel like any attempt in an alteration in that is a two way street. As well as a slippery slope. But as we get older I’m realizing that may come with change. For some. And that’s ok.

So I’ve been thinking long and hard about something as it regards to me and the people around me. The people I consider as friends. I never once asked them to be better friends. In regards to me. I feel like I’ve accepted them how they are 100% good bad or indifferent.

I still never felt listened to or understood really. That’s why it’s just to chameleon and go from there. Because I’ll step into being myself and unintentionally folks evaporate

This really the finest I’ve ever been this far and I only getting finer.

The last 4 days been life changing. I got some habits I need to break. I see my potential in alot of things. And I need to get my shit together. I’m doing great and I’m fucking up all in the same breath

3 things.

Can’t say this on main. But in august Ima throw a thing at the fun spot. I just don’t want folks to feel like they gotta pick sides. And if they feel like they do. I can understand. But I want things to go back to normal. But normal has escaped us.

It’s prolly not well talked about. But second hand trauma is really hard to put into words. Especially when it’s people you care about. Having to take the brunt of their grief or sadness however it comes out. Knowing what the source of it is. And yet maintaining your wits about you.

I miss lo severely

Nah. This totally feels different not even gonna hold you. This was 7 years of dissatisfaction, disappointment, struggle and strife. I feel like I made it. Not to the top of the mtn. But at least a solid summit with a good view.

Blahblahblahimissloblahblahblahblah

Lotta people (women) struggle when I set boundaries and will constantly push the issue to go back to how it was. That guy isn’t there anymore. But they don’t believe it. Tragic.

One time this girl told me I have way too many fine homegirls to be straight.

For like the last few years are so I run into the rumor that I’m gay. Even tho I know where and who it comes from and what the intent behind it. It be funny as hell when people don’t know me feed into it due to my thighs being out or getting a manicure.

That’s exactly what it is. But be sounding crazy trying to explain it. Like why are you sad that things are going good

Pints on me next time.

That’s what I’m thinking. An acclimation and realization process that’s gonna take time. Then I can reassess. I’m just in a fog until then. That’s why I don’t wanna celebrate.

Yea it’s like I don’t wanna get the hopes of of how it’s gonna feel. When I reach something. Like oh this isn’t how I thought it was gonna be when I imagined. A new normal to where I’m responsible for my happiness and not being a rabbit chasing a carrot like I’m used to

Like Survival mode has been lessened. But now on the horizon it’s a new unfamiliar chapter. To where I can be comfortable relativity to what I’m used to. And that is kinda scary. Anyone ever dealt with that? Is that normal?