Materializing nude from a bolt of lightning in 2005 to show my younger self this image
past weeder: ok but why are you naked
present weeder: the scientist made me
future weeder: no he didn’t
Shout out to my grandfather who fought against the Nazis so I could post jokes about Kool-Aid Man's dick
[thursday the 12th]
jason voorhees: HONEY, where are my murder pants?
*studio laughter*
children attending schools meeting certain economic criteria will also be served free breakfast by hooters waitresses
u just know minnie’s back stateside getting railed by goofy
mother fucker just threw up on the rug guess i had it coming
2016 - finding out tom marshall is posting original phish demos and signing up for twitter
2026 - live posting my cat’s bullshit
walking away completely unfazed like that was the plan the whole time i don’t buy it
lol it’s under the couch now u fucker
watching my cat play with a pen and this idiot’s happy as hell i’m so jealous
cuckoo’s n3st
i said i hate this tree
wife: i should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
could not agree with you more
cry if u liked 😭 👍 👍
the hamburglar getting served spaghetti for his last meal cause the death row guard doesn’t understand his order of “robble”
MAN WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH AN ANT: Where do you want to go to eat tonight babe?
ANT: (secretes communicative pheromones from glands on abdomen)
MAN: I don't know what that means. I am just a human man.
ANT: (secretes more)
MAN: I guess we can just share a smooshed cupcake on the floor again.
ant: (carrying a bread crumb on it’s back)
man: c’mon babe you know we’re trying keto
every time I see this guy he looks more shipwrecked
visual aid for some of our younger friends curious about implementability
coworker: hey how’d you pitch for 100 dalmatians go
me: *laying face down in a grassy knoll* craig beat me again
yes exactly
exec: what have you done today
artist: drew some dogs
exec: all day?
artist: ya
you are so wise
it’s just too many dalmatians tbh
then he shows you your cavity like if u cried
murder mystery dinner are so dumb it’s like so easy to tell which person gets killed no mystery at all tbh
keeping plenty on my floorboards in wait
wile e coyote furiously searching for his umbrella
