mr potato

me: when is your birthday

her: march 1st

me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

saw a sign for “new original tenders” and it’s itching me in a way i can’t quite scratch

oh that makes so much sense !

blew past my seven pm sleepy and now i’m up forever is this what edging is like

was gonna delete this but “reply” was fewer button

“did you tell them about the mr rogers sex dream”

“neigh”

“thank god”

i was thinking this week about how i’ve had lyrics made up to avril lavigne’s complicated randomly popping up in my head for about twenty years now and never once shared them with another living soul letting them die with me is a kindness i intend on providing

getting a summer job walking around in a felt abby costume in 98 degree heat

tired enough to start wondering how the illiterate get their eyes examined

does it ever occur to jon arbuckle he has to leave the cat food aisle to buy lasagna

lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation, conceived-

[truckstop vigilante from the back] Dem bitches didn’t even know about dinosaurs

i can tell you i don’t keep secrets

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

him going to texas roadhouse for the first time and not getting complimentary first visit appetizer cause he acts like he’s been there before

i appreciate you, your influence, and what you choose to do with it so much

tossing rocks with “u up” engravings at ur bedroom window

imagining her doing the forest gump shrimp thing rn

love and loss, childhood memories, potatoes

people always say who’s your mt rushmore of such and such to indicate the four best at something but that’s not the true criteria. it’s really who did it first, who’s doing it now, who did it while wearing a silly hat, teddy roosevelt

falls off a ladder hanging the “WOK3 coming soon” banner in the breakroom

i like being able to yell at people online 150 years ago if i wanted to call someone in san francisco a mothefucker a guy’d have to ride his horse for a couple months

Selling a mattress on craigslist, wanting people to know it's not gross, writing "Did not have sex on mattress" then worrying they'll think I'm a loser and changing it to "Had a lot of sex on mattress"

happy friday :)

make up stories with my five year old every night and thought it’d be nice to keep a record of some of the bangers. tonight’s was “you can only set a groundhog on fire about six times before it moves to des moines, iowa”

matt damon cameo: you guys want dunkin’ i’m going on a coffee run and [a red dot appears on his forehead]

bad news just found out he’s dead rip

hello, please sign my petition to rename marco polo to “where are you, and i’m so sorry”

when i was about 8 i fell off from a shopping cart and hit my head blacking out for a few seconds. not sure why this video is the final straw but i’m now sure i never woke up

does it have to be a plane or can you just like have sex in denver or something