mr potato

the opposite of an everything bagel is a nothing burger i got a race car sticker on my s.a.t.s

in the background of a breaking bad scene doing the dishes without stopping to hem the curtains

time travel tsa: you forgot to remove this 3.5 ounce container of liquid from your carry on

billy: i’ll do it yesterday

am i the fella cause i’m feelin moved

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

a cartoon picture of a handsome man in a yellow hat but it’s very blurry

new pfp just dropped

i hate when people go “know what i’m saying” no i do not know what you are saying i do not understand any of this

rooting for you

oh that makes so much sense !

blew past my seven pm sleepy and now i’m up forever is this what edging is like

was gonna delete this but “reply” was fewer button

“did you tell them about the mr rogers sex dream”

“neigh”

“thank god”

i was thinking this week about how i’ve had lyrics made up to avril lavigne’s complicated randomly popping up in my head for about twenty years now and never once shared them with another living soul letting them die with me is a kindness i intend on providing

getting a summer job walking around in a felt abby costume in 98 degree heat

tired enough to start wondering how the illiterate get their eyes examined

does it ever occur to jon arbuckle he has to leave the cat food aisle to buy lasagna

lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation, conceived-

[truckstop vigilante from the back] Dem bitches didn’t even know about dinosaurs

i can tell you i don’t keep secrets

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

him going to texas roadhouse for the first time and not getting complimentary first visit appetizer cause he acts like he’s been there before

i appreciate you, your influence, and what you choose to do with it so much

tossing rocks with “u up” engravings at ur bedroom window

imagining her doing the forest gump shrimp thing rn

love and loss, childhood memories, potatoes

people always say who’s your mt rushmore of such and such to indicate the four best at something but that’s not the true criteria. it’s really who did it first, who’s doing it now, who did it while wearing a silly hat, teddy roosevelt

falls off a ladder hanging the “WOK3 coming soon” banner in the breakroom

i like being able to yell at people online 150 years ago if i wanted to call someone in san francisco a mothefucker a guy’d have to ride his horse for a couple months

Selling a mattress on craigslist, wanting people to know it's not gross, writing "Did not have sex on mattress" then worrying they'll think I'm a loser and changing it to "Had a lot of sex on mattress"

happy friday :)

make up stories with my five year old every night and thought it’d be nice to keep a record of some of the bangers. tonight’s was “you can only set a groundhog on fire about six times before it moves to des moines, iowa”