Jo

they’re special occasion only now

*twirls*

[after I poll 2% of my friends] The people have spoken!

a rich one

🤝🏻

I will as long as you ignore my new accent.

tale as old as time

🙏🏻

🎉🎉🎉

🤝🏻

well well well

It’s the least I can do!!

After careful consideration, I've decided to win the lottery.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

(taking seven ambient minutes to make my point) (suddenly the drumline kicks in)

[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11

What could you possibly want with my amulet bro you wouldn’t even know how to wield it’s power

well well well, looks like my being incredibly annoying and needlessly argumentative struck a nerve

woo woo

[scrolling the Rolling Stone’s 25 most influential creators list]

stranger
stranger
recognize
stranger
stranger
recognize
stranger
stranger
know their entire life story up to Thursday
recognize
stranger

just came up with an idea for a reversible jean jacket: one side is a jean jacket and the other side is an affordable three bedroom home

Kickin ass!!

Never let anyone tell you that you're not qualified to operate heavy industrial machinery

I tilted my puppet's head back so it looks like he's laughing at my jokes. My wife and I are separated

genius lyric card. image: painting. ophelia by millais lyrics: I didn't just come here to dance credits: CARLY RAE JEPSEN, "I DIDN'T JUST COME HERE TO DANCE"

For those who don’t know—the name of that theory is “fascism.”

When I flip my dogs ears inside out those are his party hats. He is ready for a party.

disagree

finally