al 🖤

nothing in this world like realizing how small minded your predominantly white small town community is by experiencing at least two microagressions about two different communities of people. in a single work day. less than, even!

reading my old fics is like [fine sentence that makes me feel like i’m reading a normal fic][cringe sentence][typo][sentence so good that idk if i could write something that good now][sentence so annoying i want to throw something at myself][piece of characterization i don’t agree w anymore][typo]

what perfect album came out the year you turned 16?

these are all perfect to me. and i do not care that two of these are eps. argue with the wall.

it is such a kick in the teeth when every time i turn around i feel like i have to justify my grief to people.

maybe it's working in retail, or maybe it really is just my job but its so frustrating to feel like my grief isn't enough of a reason.

i really do not want to go to work tomorrow. between my asst manager acting like i was the biggest inconvenience and knowing my coworkers are going to ask me how i'm doing, i don't want to. i don't wanna play nice rn.

its starting to look like, "can i even sleep tonight," is a real problem i'm going to experience while off work

three days is not enough time to mourn, decompress, untangle the complicated relationship i had with my grandmother and the heritage i carry solely from her lineage and deal with the bullshit logistics of trying to get my bereavement benefits. it's just not.

it is a very white boss / child of immigrant employee thing to have my boss tell me i should get my passport in order to see my actively dying relative. as if there is not So Much Nuance around why i do not have a passport and have not gone there yet.

of all the uniquely shitty things you get to experience as a first generation american i didn't think 'trying to force yourself to get thru work because you have to talk to your boss about time off due to grief while realizing you're never gonna see your grandmother again' was one of them

we're officially in the time of year where the midwest can't decide on the weather so there's about an inch and a half of snow on the ground rn that will disappear by wednesday. however, the cold weather is good for two things!

naps and cozy blankets.

listening to sf9 again is both the best and worst thing i could've done.

you think you have it hard with your bias? imagine being a fantasy whose bias is rowoon. i am so constantly in a state of utter despair.

don't really know what the point of this is. maybe i was meant to see it. maybe i'm just having a rough day so it feels meaningful. but i'd be lying if i said it didn't feel like something.

it feels like something.

woke up this morning feeling so, so sick. nauseous, dizzy w/ vertigo and my nose running like a faucet. decided to take the day in bed. checked insta just for something to do. a video shows up on my timeline.

the man speaking in it sounds so much like liam payne. we lost him a year ago today.

by making this easier to read i am also ensuring it is twice as much work as my previous works

anyway, turns out i'll be doing this for the next month

erotica should not come from a soulless machine. erotica should come from your local bookstore or your friends on the internet when they have divine inspiration.

there may, possibly, be something wrong with the fact that i wake up in the morning and one of my first thoughts is, "can't wait to come home and go back to sleep."

upon doing a bit of research, i could've made this location So Much More Bougie, but since the story takes place during fall i'm glad i didn't. lake front beaches are useless below 60 degrees.

curating every single timestamp in every single photo on a smau is crazy work

i haven't even properly started this bitch yet and i am TIRED of adjusting the times

good morning. my opener called in.

i love being in charge of things.

Leafeon enjoying the fallen leaves 🍂

#pokemon

[redacted] stop having so many members challenge: FAILED

i think i've miscounted the amt of profiles i need at least four times.

something that i never fail to forget every. single. time. i start a smau is that you need to make regular mc profiles. and then you need to make profiles FOR NPCs TOO. for the extras IN CASE YOU NEED THEM LATER.

anyway, i'll be doing prep work for the next week.

how did my place of gainful employment even /function/ in the five years that i have been gone? answer: most likely poorly, based on how these past ten months have gone.

if they call me right before a nap again, i'm ignoring them.

i find it so interesting how people try to pass off certain south / southeast asian aesthetics as each other because, while similar due to having the same cultural roots, i got some bad news for ya'll.

the moment the written language is involved, you're not fooling anyone.

not me uninstalling and downloading and uninstalling and downloading just to turn around the download the Exact Same Apps i always use for my smaus. no wonder my phone hates me.

my phone is NOT built for making smaus but that has NEVER stopped me before

me: i think i'm losing interest in this fic i started

someone at work: practically yells at me, tells me we were all wrong for how we handled the situation, threatens to complain to corporate

me: actually, i think i need to make [redacted] deal with a situation like this too

one might think i have posted a lot of fics. and i have, don't get me wrong. but the graveyard that is my many wip folders is truly unlike anything you can imagine.

in other news, my current fic is at a standstill because i am now looking back at my works from '20/'21 and thinking to myself, "will i ever write like that again?"

logistically i know i will but also, will i???

i have been in several creative communities, for lack of a better term, over the years. while they all did, eventually, give me intense impostor syndrome and anxiety that made me feel like i could never truly be myself i do, sometimes, miss having people to talk to about my writing.