Remember, the opposite of progress is Congress

What actually happened is that Trump lost a fantasy football league and his punishment is to eat 20 large pizzas in a dark room before he can come out

Me - I can make a mean apple pie

*takes apple pie out of oven*

Apple pie - you suck

Me - 😢

I bet I could absolutely survive a washing machine

I randomly said the word menergy. Idk what it means yet, but it gotta mean smth. I’ll keep you updated

My paper folding skills impress girls call that aura-gami

It’s 12:30 am on July 5th. Can y’all stop shooting fireworks now? I’m tryna go to sleep

It’s Burger King

To the one and only King

We need the slogan Make America, America Again

I can definitely feel the greatness overflowing in America rn

The Muffin Man must’ve been mad as hell when he found out someone made a song doxing him

Someone take away my phone please

Friend 1: Do you know what a nice bird is called?

Friend 2: Kind of…

My favorite Isekai is Space Jam 2

I forgot to bring my calculator to the addition quiz, so I’m counting on my fingers to get me through

Call me French SpongeBob because I’m bout to Goo Le Goon

If malware is so bad, then how come mal is Spanish for good

My girls nickname is Lyndon cause she B on my Johnson

After spending a lot of time wondering what to name a period of 24 hours, I decided to call it a day

100 gorillas vs 1 Packgod

If you ever feel like giving up, just remember

Instead of saying “I cant” say “I see ant”

Scrolling through my posts and being like “these are so relatable” not realizing I was the one who wrote them

Getting out of the shower and going to my bed got me walking like an scp

Quagmire is totally a Giddy blud

Do not read the 10th and 11th words of “Hot Cross Buns”. Worst mistake of my life.

Talk about Silksong is more likely to appear on the wrapper of a Laffy Taffy than The Game Awards

Here is my application for The Onion

In a recent interview, Riot Games talks about possibly adding a 12 hour limit per day into their game League of Legends. Many fans are left shook.

I love my girl so much I don’t cheat on her on Valentines Day

The real reason they were digging holes in the movie Holes was so that I can finally comfortably lay face down in the dirt

Crazy how every post about the Super Bowl is about either the halftime show or Taylor Swift and not one commercial