Leper Con

I think I might rewatch that Civil War movie with Nick Offerman and jerk off to the ending.

Jesus playing with some dogs in heaven.

The rapture actually did happen.

I am become swamp ass, destroyer of social lives.

It’s a game changer!
It’s a game changer!
It’s a game changer!
It’s a ga…

OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP! THE GAME ISN’T CHANGING AND THE GAME STILL FUCKING SUCKS!

Yngwie J. Malmsteen used his middle initial so you didn’t confuse him with all the other Yngwie Malmsteens out there.

It’s my birthday I don’t have to wipe

Watching The Vampire Diaries and doing my man kegels

Eventually you just have to get up off that toilet and go face the world. (Please wash your hands first)

I had to delete a skeet about donating blood because it had a Type O.

touching ass > touching grass

Watching Judy Justice and tugging on my scrotum skin.

Photo of The Scorpions looking dead sexy

Best #startrek crew, wrong answers only

Well, I guess it depends on your definition of “explosive”

I’m going to go ahead and claim the title of “Cleanest Person in the World” right now because that shower was epic and there’s no way anyone is cleaner than me.

That being said, there will still be no licking my butthole. That’s not what it’s there for.

Me: doesn’t use AI because it’s a waste of electricity and bad for the environment.

Also me: inbox has 70k unread emails and I don’t unsubscribe because it’s a hassle

Oh. So THAT’S why they call them sloppy joes.

Look, I don’t care what the internet says. Manfred Mann was totally saying “douche” and you will never convince me otherwise.

I’d prefer to remain anonymous. I don’t need the feds crashing down my door and arresting me for crimes against humanity.

My sincerest apologies to the gang down at the sewage treatment plant for the unholy abomination I just sent their way.

Gonna fill the sink with Flonase and submerge my face in it.

Been bothering me for years.

stay on target
stay on target
[dies]

Porkins from Star Wars: A New Hope

I’m still pissed that George Lucas named that fat rebel pilot “Porkins”

More “fuck”, less “buddy”

Jesus H Christ babygirl crack the fuckin window my eyes are burning what the hell did you eat

bread pudding it’s like make up your fucking mind

Stephen Miller is going to come by later and we’re gonna hang dong and read Mein Kampf aloud with German accents.

Does Karma work from home? Maybe she should get back to the office because she hasn’t been very productive.

I didn’t wake up and choose violence, but the options becoming limited and tomorrow is a new day.

Blessed be the butthole.