Midsomer Murders plots

The village bovine inseminator is found impaled with a pitchfork. Suspicion falls on Little Worthy’s junior school teacher, confused that a growing number of people who can read and think clearly might threaten near-lethal levels of tweeness.

A roller skiing fanatic is found dead after a visit from a headless horseman. Suspicion falls on Beavers Dune’s mermaid society, worried that Midsomer Murders plots actually written by this bot might threaten to end the price fixing scheme of the local florists.

A local mushroom hunter is found strapped to an enormous cheese wheel. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Holm’s scarecrows, deeply concerned that the annual papadum eating competition might threaten the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

An organist who’d pulled out all the stops is found with the innards sucked out by a vacuum juice evaporator. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Parva’s newly formed Flat Moon society, obsessed that watered-down vodka might threaten to interrupt a performance of John Cage's 4'33".

A popular marine biologist is found flayed to death. Suspicion falls on Little Coxton’s ordinand, angry that watered down beer might threaten the pumpkin carving contest that we're only now hearing about for the first time.

An aspiring novelist is found as compost fertilising the village square’s geraniums. Suspicion falls on Shitlingthorpe’s newt taxidermy club, obsessed that hacked video cameras might threaten supplies of toilet paper.

A tabletop gamer is found virtually deceased in a pair of oculus rift goggles. Suspicion falls on Many Crooks’ ordinand, frightened that a plan to sell off the mansion might threaten to reveal that Midsomer is not actually a real place.

A local bee keeper is found dead after a heated argument about the Oxford comma. Suspicion falls on Lower Bucklebury’s billiards society, deeply concerned that an influx of Norman nobility might threaten the collapse of the local stone circle.

An unpaid intern at a funeral home is found dead after drinking hemlock-laced mead. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Market’s cider appreciation society, confused that a new library might threaten to reduce the population of Midsomer to a vicar and six pig farmers.

A geeky soprano singer is found with rigor mortis set in during the kapotasana yoga pose. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Blighty’s uptight, bourgeoisie parasites, upset that historical documents in rubber bands might threaten to close the 160-year-old mustard factory.

An undernourished locavore is found cooked in the glasshouse. Suspicion falls on Great Worthy’s male escort, upset that multiculturalism might threaten plots from this bot that actually make sense.

A local antiquarian book dealer is found dead at the back of the hop on hop off tour bus during the weekly cleaning. Suspicion falls on Binwell’s leaf-blower society, obsessed that sinister clown sightings might threaten Midsomer’s alkali industry.

:(

A morally bankrupt financial planner is found with the suicide note emailed after the body has already been sighted. Suspicion falls on Little Auburn’s Japanese translation class, angry that long queues might threaten guided tours of the local abattoir.

A celebrated cellist is found tied up, salted, then licked to death by a hyponatraemic cow. Suspicion falls on Little Crosby’s suspicious out-of-towners, deeply concerned that musical innovation might threaten an unkempt barrister’s hedgerow.

The manager of a nazi-tolerating social media company is found with a javelin through the heart. Suspicion falls on Weedon’s plucky gnome weaver of beribboned lavender wands, upset that long-held grudges in the local arts and crafts community might threaten a cursed were rabbit.

A banjo-playing philosopher is found dead and covered with blue paint during a gender reveal party. Suspicion falls on Watership’s impetuous young heir, upset that a shortage of hand sanitisers might threaten the end of floor malting.

A roller skiing fanatic is found dead in a manner inspired by The Bill. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Pastures’ fiddlers association, upset that petty threats might threaten to tell the vicar who his parents really are.

An orange-haired idiot is found after an argument about a horse escalated to a lethal free-for-all. Suspicion falls on Many Crooks’ cobblestone polisher, frightened that housing development in the woods might threaten the last witch this side of Hadrian's Wall.

An engineer who believes he’s also an expert in virology is found dead after a sabrage ‘accident’. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Parva’s company of morris dancers, angry that guerilla tactics by activist groups might threaten the traditional annual race at an exclusive public school.

A Welsh-Kiwi translator of Japanese is found cooked after a WiFi-enabled electric blanket was dialled up. Suspicion falls on Cockup Upper’s most notorious, right-wing troll, angry that the sale of dogs online might threaten to make the sun set on the British Empire.

An overworked mortuary assistant is found astrally harvested. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Priors’ amateur grenade-making society, obsessed that researchers who don’t understand how much this all means to the village might threaten plans for a 24 hr murder mystery channel.

A mute castrato is found tied up, salted, then licked to death by a hyponatraemic cow. Suspicion falls on Calham Cross’ ghost, frightened that bad takes by Quillette might threaten the village fabric.

...or a cheese wheel.

We always aim to please!

A psychic who didn’t see it coming is found stung to death by deliberately enraged bees. Suspicion falls on Church Fenton’s black-swan-wrangling club, angry that late capitalism might threaten to ruin Joyce Barnaby’s casserole from one of Delia’s cookbooks.

A socially-inept Mastodon bot developer is found dead following a quarrel over apples. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Market’s bagpipe club, worried that cheap imitation Daily Mail vouchers might threaten to ruin the pub.

A retired computer game pundit is found in ashes after a horrendous house fire. Suspicion falls on Malham Cross’ two strange tattooed children found at the train station, frightened that the rising cost of petrol might threaten the Midsomer space programme.

An overwrought iron distributor is found burnt to death in a molybdomancy ‘accident’. Suspicion falls on Little Begging’s not-so-earnest Hemingway society, upset that dangerous liaisons on a croquet lawn might threaten too many broken hearts in the world.