Midsomer Murders plots

A local unpopular businessman is found permanently socially distanced in extremum. Suspicion falls on Marsh Wood’s barmaid at the Deerstalker and Fife Arms, frightened that inconsistencies in W E Johns’ Biggles books might threaten to interrupt the Miss Potato and Lamb judging.

A local minister is found greatly decayed and clotted with gore, standing erect before the eyes of the spectators. Suspicion falls on Monks Barton’s Audi driver, worried that the resurgence of vinyl LPs might threaten the United Kingdom’s competitiveness at Eurovision.

The nicest.

A local eccentric Shakespearian actor is found boiled alive in an over-sized cup of tea. Suspicion falls on Stratford-under-Avon’s teenagers wearing hoodies, disturbed that competition for parking spaces in Sainsbury’s might threaten a reboot of Blake’s 7.

A Twitch streamer is found in a church vault being opened by local archaeologists. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Tor’s ice cream van driver, frightened that a vicar’s choir banquet might threaten to reveal that the postman’s visits to housewives are more about male intimacy than mail intimacy.

A one-armed hot tar roofer is found consumed by a type of deep-sea mouthless worm. Suspicion falls on Great Snoring’s green society, angry that a village fête to raise money for the new church roof might threaten England's tea appreciation society.

A trans-exclusionary radical feminist is found killed in a manner not specified in the TV guide this was copied from. Suspicion falls on Malham Cross’ taxidermists’ club, disturbed that the new deer sanctuary might threaten to cover a Tory MP’s wife’s Land Rover with graffiti.

An overwrought iron distributor is found with their last screams recorded by Alexa. Suspicion falls on High Littleton’s D&D-playing gynaecologist, deeply concerned that the discovery of a valuable musical manuscript sold cheaply at an auction might threaten fascists.

A person who doesn’t talk to cleaners is found dead following a mystic ritual involving the inhalation of psychedelic toad venom. Suspicion falls on Fag End’s brewer, worried that a new boat ramp might threaten near-lethal levels of tweeness.

A former kickboxer turned toxic masculinity influencer is found set up like a scarecrow. Suspicion falls on Fag End’s Midsomer Murders castoffs, confused that musical innovation might threaten to inform the Daily Fail that cancel culture is just criticism.

The local tuba player is found brutally contorted by spoon bending abilities used for evil. Suspicion falls on Barnstable’s angry old-age pensioner, worried that dinner parties might threaten DCI Barnaby’s future as a detective.

A detective from a neighbouring county is found slowly eaten to death in a vitriol tank. Suspicion falls on Milton’s Cross’ florist, disturbed that the disappearance of 35 million British hedgehogs might threaten the pumpkin carving contest that we're only now hearing about for the first time.

A local DJ is found poisoned with orange tanning chemicals. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Hollow’s teabagging aficionados, frightened that Latter-Day postwomen might threaten the closure of the local discotheque.

A recently unemployed employment agent is found electrocuted on a model railway. Suspicion falls on Holby’s UFO buff, obsessed that the closure of the local cake shop might threaten the upcoming librarian wine drinking festival.

A local homeopath is found shot six times by a man on the run. Suspicion falls on Shotover & Forest hill’s resident garden Jay, frightened that new roundabout might threaten to chop down the millenia-old yew tree.

A local candle maker is found pummelled by cricket balls. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Stanton’s green society, obsessed that meddling ornithologists might threaten the formation of motorcycle gangs.

A geeky soprano singer is found crushed up in a glass recycling centre. Suspicion falls on Monks Barton’s suspicious out-of-towners, confused that the disappearance of 35 million British hedgehogs might threaten rambling rights.

A corduroy-wearing academic is found brutally cut down by Britain’s most dangerous lawnmower. Suspicion falls on Upper Warden’s Provost, obsessed that midnight rituals might threaten to expose the church’s historical manuscript as a forgery.

A star cricketer is found savaged by carp. Suspicion falls on Stratford-under-Avon’s chapter of the Nicholas Soames Society, upset that poor quality tea might threaten TV reception during the World Cup.

A manure venture capitalist is found self-combusted with a pencil in each hand. Suspicion falls on Calham Cross’ gourami appreciation society, confused that the decline in furniture manufacture might threaten Causton’s chances at winning the Village of the Year award.

A headstone inscriber is found poisoned by substance 33. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Parva’s ice cream van driver, disturbed that a new boat ramp might threaten the world ending with a whimper rather than a bang.

A local jam magnate is found encased in a giant candle. Suspicion falls on Outer Biscuit-Ferry’s ice cream van driver, angry that late capitalism might threaten the tupperware factory.

A short-statured 山水盆景 fan is found 4 years after being deliberately infected with bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Suspicion falls on Matching Trousers’ resident garden Jay, disturbed that BBC casting directors might threaten supplies of scones.

A local sculptor is found dead from horrendous Bluesky burns. Suspicion falls on Nomansland’s heavy-handed book publisher, deeply concerned that the decline in newspaper reading might threaten workplace Anglo-Saxon literacy.

A local minister is found painfully sliced up by a knife disguised as a baguette. Suspicion falls on Little Auburn’s not-so-earnest Hemingway society, confused that the decline in newspaper reading might threaten to ruin Joyce Barnaby’s casserole from one of Delia’s cookbooks.

A realistic Hegelian is found poisoned with the poison dart frog. Suspicion falls on Little Crosby’s infosec community, upset that class warfare writ large might threaten to disrupt pagan customs during the forthcoming Autumn equinox.

A betweeded film devotee is found as compost fertilising the village square’s geraniums. Suspicion falls on Hyannisports’ newly formed Flat Moon society, angry that modernity itself might threaten a huge annual event in Midsomer that we’re nonetheless only hearing about for the first time.

No one ever expects the scrap metal merchants.