Midsomer Murders plots

A street musician is found drowned in a well. Suspicion falls on Bight of Spam’s chess club, disturbed that badger culling might threaten a drop in bowls club membership.

A hyperactive barista is found crushed by a trained rhinoceros. Suspicion falls on Rough Riding’s Blue Peter fan club, upset that antimatter leaking into the nearby reservoir might threaten the future of Morris Dancing.

A lover of the sea is found dead in a puddle of black ooze. Suspicion falls on Barton in the Beans’ strawberry-pickers association, confused that aliens might threaten the rabbit show.

A mute castrato is found with the lower part of the body ruptured. Suspicion falls on Gumpton Marsh’s D&D-playing gynaecologist, worried that cheap imitation Daily Mail vouchers might threaten the local Rusty Nail-and-Hook festival.

Fiona Dolman playing Sarah Barnaby in Midsomer Murders. With a parrot.

For those of you who enjoy #MidsomerMurders and need something to cheer you up. We start the new series (26) on Monday..

A famous werewolf actor is found drowned in a mug of English breakfast tea. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Holm’s Barnaby Appreciation Society, worried that a bitter feud between local academics might threaten the village’s remaining sourdough starter.

A Michelin chef who hates truffles is found stewed in a vat of his own juices. Suspicion falls on Luxton Deeping’s audiologist, One-Eared Brian, angry that police Freemasonry might threaten agricultural exhibitions in the country.

The village rascal is found scratched to death by a touring group of Giant Cats of Dunbar. Suspicion falls on Goodman’s Land’s choir, obsessed that red signage on a tool shop might threaten to expose the entire Universe as just a giant trick of the light.

A pornography baron is found eaten to death by starving rats forcibly inserted into the anus. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Magna’s church community, upset that red signage on a tool shop might threaten the merengue marathon.

A lockdown protestor is found as a stunning new exhibit at the Museum of Human Disease. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Worthy’s visiting East London gangster, upset that dwindling prospects on the farmer dating scene in the county might threaten to alter the parish boundaries.

A sulphur-crested cockatoo impersonator is found irradiated with an uncovered sphere of plutonium. Suspicion falls on Midsomer St. Michael’s bagpipe club, obsessed that unseen pigs might threaten a dystopian police state.

A local bell ringer is found dead from having a rare wine collection hurled at the head by a replica medieval trebuchet. Suspicion falls on Causton’s New Age commune, confused that a clash between two rival librarian groups over sorting methods might threaten rambling rights.

A local narrator is found poisoned with orange tanning chemicals. Suspicion falls on Torpenhow’s professional clown guild, disturbed that pregnancy testing kits that take minutes to work might threaten to make cows think things that normal cows don’t think.

A local mushroom hunter is found in a manner inspired by the notorious serial killers card game. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Shallows’ football fans, deeply concerned that equestrian tourism might threaten to burn every catalogue of London’s inter-dimensional gateways.

An author of gothic fiction is found run over by an unusually on-schedule train. Suspicion falls on Dunstan’s queueing society, upset that a growing number of people who can read and think clearly might threaten the decoration of bespoke bridal cakes.

The Lord of Dixton and Dumbleton is found dead clutching a book about witchcraft. Suspicion falls on Little Didling’s teal shaman, upset that cheap imitation Daily Mail vouchers might threaten the end of the Oxford English Dictionary.

A former Dr Who actor is found beaten to death with slide projector. Suspicion falls on Nomansland’s choir, disturbed that red signage on a tool shop might threaten the closure of the woad mill.

A local rose hybrid creator is found torn apart by hedgehogs. Suspicion falls on White Ox Mead’s teal shaman, frightened that sinister clown sightings might threaten the Barnabys’ marriage.

A star cricketer is found bled to death after being stabbed in the thigh with a Roman spear. Suspicion falls on Swarf End’s netball team, frightened that lederhosen might threaten deluxe box sets of vinyl records.

Done (and posted)

The local Karen is found frozen in an ice cream van. Suspicion falls on White Ox Mead’s heavy-handed book publisher, worried that a shortage of hand sanitisers might threaten to irrevocably alter the outcome of Brexit.

A local archaeologist is found drowned in a mug of English breakfast tea. Suspicion falls on Swarf End’s leader of a local steel band, frightened that the fall of the Roman Empire might threaten 16 more murders.

A sad Joy Division fan is found stuck in a chimney and dead from smoke inhalation. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Barrow’s chief medical officer, deeply concerned that owls might threaten to permanently close the entrance to Álfheimr.

An elderly bearded, vegetarian manhole collector is found dead following a heated parish council meeting. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Oaks’ teal shaman, upset that multiculturalism might threaten to burn every catalogue of London’s inter-dimensional gateways.

A tychophobic statistician is found in a church vault being opened by local archaeologists. Suspicion falls on Ferne Basset’s choir, angry that equestrian tourism might threaten the old inn.

A former Dr Who actor is found with the brains carefully removed and replaced with straw. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Parva’s manager of Midsomer’s largest banana farm, obsessed that the local date night might threaten caravaning.

One must never give up on their dreams.