Midsomer Murders plots

A horse podcaster is found thrown from Arthur’s Seat. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Wellow’s Pigeon Fancier Club, obsessed that watered down beer might threaten the world’s Bog snorkelling championship.

An embattled councillor is found dead at the hands of clerks. Suspicion falls on Morton Shallows’ ballet dancers, obsessed that rising flood levels might threaten the United Kingdom’s competitiveness at Eurovision.

A big cucumber fan is found dead in the garage of a local public house. Suspicion falls on Milton’s Cross’ green society, worried that pig farm effluent might threaten to summon the Devil himself.

A local linguist is found decapitated in a fruit pasteuriser. Suspicion falls on Shotover & Forest hill’s society of Venus watchers, upset that a growing number of people who can read and think clearly might threaten the rains down in Africa.

A local badger whisperer is found thrown from Arthur’s Seat. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Wellow’s pigeon pant makers, obsessed that new vernacular might threaten to expose the church’s historical manuscript as a forgery.

A ladies' man is found spirited away into the night, seemingly without explanation. Suspicion falls on Stratton-on-the-Fosse’s football fans, upset that long queues might threaten agricultural exhibitions in the country.

A mysophobic epidemiologist is found slumped over a historically significant sundial. Suspicion falls on Weedon’s pencil sharpening society, frightened that a new library might threaten Midsomer’s alkali industry.

The town crier is found on a spike in the middle of Causton. Suspicion falls on Martyr Warren’s teenagers wearing hoodies, deeply concerned that the rising cost of petrol might threaten the very future of right wing politics.

A secretarial student is found pushed into a drier and spun to death. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Abbas’ taxidermists’ club, worried that Daily Mail readers might threaten supplies of “grow it big” cream.

An immunocompromised virologist is found stabbed in a local tavern. Suspicion falls on Lower Bucklebury’s scarecrows, obsessed that new vernacular might threaten to reveal that Midsomer is not actually a real place.

A trans-exclusionary radical feminist is found smothered in potpourri. Suspicion falls on Martyr Warren’s barmaid at the Deerstalker and Fife Arms, disturbed that lederhosen might threaten to reveal that the moon is not made of cheese.

A #QAnon conspiracy theorist is found sliced paper-thin and published as an avant-garde novel. Suspicion falls on Tunbridge Unwells’ newly formed Flat Moon society, obsessed that the town’s surplus steak and kidney puddings might threaten to permanently close the entrance to Álfheimr.

An orange-haired idiot is found set up like a scarecrow. Suspicion falls on Drooping Point’s billiards society, frightened that long queues might threaten plots from this bot that actually make sense.

A geeky soprano singer is found with an arrow through the eye which reached even into the brain. Suspicion falls on Great Worthy’s welly wanger team, upset that a shortage of hand sanitisers might threaten the local Rusty Nail-and-Hook festival.

A Marx-quoting capitalist is found poisoned with toxins in the moisturiser absorbed though the skin. Suspicion falls on Wetwang’s satanists, frightened that a village fête to raise money for the new church roof might threaten nuclear annihilation.

A local computer programmer is found dead after drinking hemlock-laced mead. Suspicion falls on Whitcombe Mallet’s Mebyon Kernow members, obsessed that BBC casting directors might threaten to expose the entire Universe as just a giant trick of the light.

An underappreciated archivist is found sliced up with secateurs following a garden wall disagreement. Suspicion falls on Little Ox Eye’s middle-aged philosopher, deeply concerned that a supermarket stockpiler might threaten supplies of toilet paper.

A local unpopular businessman is found drowned in a vat of custard. Suspicion falls on Ferne Basset’s tea leaf reader, disturbed that meddling ornithologists might threaten to awaken the giant baby that came before good and evil, being and non-being.

We'll never tell...

An unhygienic soap maker is found drowned in Causton’s public toilets. Suspicion falls on Little Begging’s church community, deeply concerned that a rogue peacock might threaten too many broken hearts in the world.

Only if the lawyers allow it...

A local archaeologist is found with intestines smeared over the local stone circle. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Cicely’s ghost hunters society, frightened that a vicar’s choir banquet might threaten to reveal that Midsomer is not actually a real place.

A retired computer game pundit is found brutally assaulted by a lab monkey deliberately let loose. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Florey’s scout troop, disturbed that a decline in tourism might threaten Donald Trump Jr's sponsorship of Craig Revell-Horwood's rescue dog.

A phrenologist with craniosynostosis is found dead and covered with blue paint during a gender reveal party. Suspicion falls on Nomansland’s Floral Society, angry that a planned biography of a deceased local identity might threaten to make all the clocks in the city begin to whirr and chime.

A local uncompromising environmentalist is found dropped from an aeroplane. Suspicion falls on Malham Cross’ immigrant, deeply concerned that a new housing estate might threaten the weightlifting regime of local ministers.

The local tour guide is found as an exquisitely scented candle made from human tallow. Suspicion falls on Acock Green’s visiting East London gangster, confused that the village's new bell-ringing team might threaten the closure of the pork futures warehouse.

A visiting Toby Jug provenance evaluator is found dead following experimental eye surgery. Suspicion falls on Midsomer-in-the-Marsh’s ice cream van driver, angry that the town’s surplus steak and kidney puddings might threaten the merengue marathon.

A lockdown protestor is found crushed under an unreasonably large pile of books. Suspicion falls on Wetwang’s Hell’s Angels chapter, worried that researchers who don’t understand how much this all means to the village might threaten 16 more murders.

A former Prime Minister is found overpowered with a tin of shortbread rounds. Suspicion falls on Badger’s Drift’s church warden and magician, upset that the closure of the local cake shop might threaten the lighthouse collage exhibition.

A secretarial student is found bluer than a blue screen of death. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Tor’s cult leader, confused that type-casting in otherwise stellar TV careers might threaten orderly queueing.