hoetic kate

pls

in other news i had a dream that church lawyers were chasing me (re: the depositions i gave) and i ended up hiding in a church building and my mom was there and i tried telling her what was happening and she just ignored me and shut the door to the sunday school class she was attending

(by specific to me i mean i know im not the only person who struggles with this)

this isn’t a problem specific to me but it does feel very lonely to know i can’t call my mom if im having a bad day and that i can’t rely on my parents for anything the way some people can

i kind of miss the certainty from mormonism sometimes

i also miss believing that my family was loving and cared about me

i think i struggle a lot under the mental burden that comes from being alone and knowing i can’t rely on the people who gave me life to help me have a good life

thank you so much 😭🩷🩷

anyways! big deal!

/fin

bsky.app/profile/poet...

it feels like i have unfolded a very tender and special chapter in my life, that touches so many versions of my past self

anyways i am going to start my period tomorrow so i am probably just feeling extremely sappy and overwhelmed but it’s also all true

i watched them dance at E11 and realized you don’t need to know rigid choreography to be good at movement and that anyone can move and i loved watching them dance

anyways i am sobbing writing this

if i don’t mention my partner (who doesn’t want to be known on the internet) i would be leaving out a very big part of this story

it’s kind of hard to explain but the way they’ve shown up in my life (slowly, with patience and with grace and gentleness as ive done my own unfolding) was a huge factor

i think about showing my 15 year old self the videos ive recorded or just bringing her into the studio to show her what we can do and i just start crying

anyways! 60 hours is more time than ive ever dedicated to a form of movement before and it feels so good and honestly like a miracle

i cannot describe how inconceivable it is that i am 60 hours into a form of movement and feeling empowered and actually getting better and actually being able to DO ANY OF IT AT ALL and wanting to be there

i used to watch people move and dance and think “i wish i could do that” and i even caught myself thinking at times “maybe there’s another timeline or reality where i started younger, i wasn’t completely traumatized, and i got really good at it”

it just didn’t feel like it could be in this one

in the last year ive gotten waaaaay more into my body through somatic therapy, really interesting and weird and different sex, breathwork classes, substances, slow movement classes, slow makeouts, and im sure other things i cant remember right now

and idk

something just shifted

me and movement have a very complicated and dark past

i think growing up in mormonism and the family that i had, i was just so disconnected from my body

stiff, awkward, incapable

i couldn’t move because i didn’t know how to feel

even in 2018 or 2019 i tried picking up ballet for the third time and just couldn’t do it (i took a ballet class when i was 5 and my mom got me a private teacher in high school and then in 2018 or 2019 i took a group class and hired ANOTHER private teacher)

i really enjoyed musicals in high school and the dance auditions were nightmare fuel for me, i remember crying backstage afterwards

idk if ive really talked about it on here but i am NOT a dancer, i would estimate that i spent 17 years feeling extremely ashamed and completely inadequate when it came to any form of movement

tonight marks 60 hours of pole classes since november 🥲🩷

my self-employed, autistic boyfriend had a job interview today & when they asked what one of his personal goals is for this year, instead of making up some professional bullshit answer, he gave the honest answer of wanting to have a sasquatch encounter & did not elaborate

HETERO

DONT

watching the dinosaur documentary on netflix

i shit you not, there’s a little dude featured in this episode called a heterodontosaurus

(also it is a bandaid, not a sticker)

i am NOT going to show you all my entire butt, but this IS my butt and the bob ross sticker

i had a boil or zit on my butt & every time i touched it it was oozing & i couldnt get a good view of it so i rubbed it really hard trying to pop it & i rubbed the skin off & now i just have a shallow, open wound on my butt & today i cleaned it with rubbing alcohol & slapped a Bob Ross sticker on it

just an update about our festival run 🥲🩷

ive gone to 59 pole classes since november (ie, 59 hours of pole) and i can finally do this

xoxo

if you think this thread is a subtweet about you i guess it might be, but it’s also happened so many times im not even talking about anyone specific at this point

there’s no shame in it, i actually think it’s the most ethical way to get what you want if you haven’t been able to get what you want in other traditional ways