i do think it’s harder when you’re trying to eat on a budget
like my options are to wash a pan and then cook up this chicken in the fridge or have a piece of toast with peanut butter on it or make some ramen or, damn, if only i had started a batch of rice and beans and salsa 3 hours ago-
eating enough is truly a full time job
someone got me this purple mascara off my throne wishlist (thank you 💋)
*6 MONTH
just read about a guy in lehi who beat his 6 year old puppy to death and i am overcome with rage towards shitty, violent men who are addicted to feeling powerful
y’all can fucking choke
he never asked me to what mine was but i would have said “we go very slow and you touch me over my clothes until i cum and THEN we get naked” and now that i have that kind of sex like 2 or 3 times a week im realizing i have always been very queer tbh
in my first marriage i would, like, beg my husband to tell me about his sexual fantasies and the best he could ever come up with was “idk, we’re naked and we have sex”
pls
in other news i had a dream that church lawyers were chasing me (re: the depositions i gave) and i ended up hiding in a church building and my mom was there and i tried telling her what was happening and she just ignored me and shut the door to the sunday school class she was attending
(by specific to me i mean i know im not the only person who struggles with this)
this isn’t a problem specific to me but it does feel very lonely to know i can’t call my mom if im having a bad day and that i can’t rely on my parents for anything the way some people can
i kind of miss the certainty from mormonism sometimes
i also miss believing that my family was loving and cared about me
i think i struggle a lot under the mental burden that comes from being alone and knowing i can’t rely on the people who gave me life to help me have a good life
thank you so much 😭🩷🩷
anyways! big deal!
/fin
bsky.app/profile/poet...
it feels like i have unfolded a very tender and special chapter in my life, that touches so many versions of my past self
anyways i am going to start my period tomorrow so i am probably just feeling extremely sappy and overwhelmed but it’s also all true
i watched them dance at E11 and realized you don’t need to know rigid choreography to be good at movement and that anyone can move and i loved watching them dance
anyways i am sobbing writing this
if i don’t mention my partner (who doesn’t want to be known on the internet) i would be leaving out a very big part of this story
it’s kind of hard to explain but the way they’ve shown up in my life (slowly, with patience and with grace and gentleness as ive done my own unfolding) was a huge factor
i think about showing my 15 year old self the videos ive recorded or just bringing her into the studio to show her what we can do and i just start crying
anyways! 60 hours is more time than ive ever dedicated to a form of movement before and it feels so good and honestly like a miracle
i cannot describe how inconceivable it is that i am 60 hours into a form of movement and feeling empowered and actually getting better and actually being able to DO ANY OF IT AT ALL and wanting to be there
i used to watch people move and dance and think “i wish i could do that” and i even caught myself thinking at times “maybe there’s another timeline or reality where i started younger, i wasn’t completely traumatized, and i got really good at it”
it just didn’t feel like it could be in this one
in the last year ive gotten waaaaay more into my body through somatic therapy, really interesting and weird and different sex, breathwork classes, substances, slow movement classes, slow makeouts, and im sure other things i cant remember right now
and idk
something just shifted
me and movement have a very complicated and dark past
i think growing up in mormonism and the family that i had, i was just so disconnected from my body
stiff, awkward, incapable
i couldn’t move because i didn’t know how to feel
even in 2018 or 2019 i tried picking up ballet for the third time and just couldn’t do it (i took a ballet class when i was 5 and my mom got me a private teacher in high school and then in 2018 or 2019 i took a group class and hired ANOTHER private teacher)
i really enjoyed musicals in high school and the dance auditions were nightmare fuel for me, i remember crying backstage afterwards
idk if ive really talked about it on here but i am NOT a dancer, i would estimate that i spent 17 years feeling extremely ashamed and completely inadequate when it came to any form of movement
tonight marks 60 hours of pole classes since november 🥲🩷
my self-employed, autistic boyfriend had a job interview today & when they asked what one of his personal goals is for this year, instead of making up some professional bullshit answer, he gave the honest answer of wanting to have a sasquatch encounter & did not elaborate
HETERO
DONT
watching the dinosaur documentary on netflix
i shit you not, there’s a little dude featured in this episode called a heterodontosaurus
(also it is a bandaid, not a sticker)
