🏳️‍⚧️ Unknown Emtity 🏳️‍🌈

So in these early hours of the morning, after sleep deprivation, I get to have a rare moment of comfort and clarity, and I get to sit in my own presence and being and enjoy my existence. Because whether or not I churn out fiscal value is irrelevant to whether or not I have value. I just do.

That's something to celebrate. That's something to recognize. That's something to be proud of.

That's wild to feel, to know, to believe - because for the longest time I would have thought of living my life as an act of selfish cowardice rather than as a blessing to the people who matter. To me.

More? Less? More open and hopeful and bright. More within my sphere of influence and control. Less overwhelming and crushing, less like something happening to me and more like something I make happen.

And if I'm making my life happen when I thought I wouldn't be here repeatedly two decades ago...

I'm learning I can be true to myself and my wants without being an inherently bad human being, and though that comes with sadness for the years lost to self-deprecation and shrinking for others' comfort, it's also wildly freeing and helps to reframe things in a light that makes life feel much...

I'm not chasing after affection anymore, because I know I can give affection to myself. I'm actively considering what's best for myself, even when it means not prioritizing the people I care about - because harming myself to support them doesn't actually help either of us. Enabling isn't kindness.

I no longer waste all my energy trying to protect others from themselves or others. I say what I need to in order to say I've tried, then move on. I'm there when they need support, and I'm not afraid to call them out using language I know will reach them - not cruelly, but candid kindness.

Part of that is learning to be grateful to myself and to be proud of myself for growing and changing and adapting regardless of what comes my way, and oftentimes trying to help others find their own footing - only now I don't try to push or pull them along. That took a lot of reprogramming.

My specialty has always been in loving others, and the past few years have been a stark reminder that my focus needs to first be on loving myself and treating myself with the kind of love I give to others. As much as I hate the source of these lessons, I have to appreciate the chance to learn them.

It's hard to go from moving nonstop to stopping moving. It's hard to want to accomplish so many things, but to have very limited resources in a number of ways.

But that doesn't mean life stops, or that stopping is going to make things better. There is still life to be lived, still tasks to be done.

I go through cycles of feeling completely crushed by the weight of the world, and the deep mourning that comes with losing access to futures you thought you might be able to achieve when you actually made it past the point you thought you would.

Even then it doesn't always lead to progress. It can lead to distraction and unhelpful coping mechanisms for a long time before someone truly hits their rock bottom and takes the steps necessary to work toward feeling better - and then that's a continuous battle for the rest of your life.

When that turns into lashing out at people you love, that cycle gets even more difficult, and more unbearable. It is rare - if ever - that someone is able to truly integrate the necessary lessons without first hitting the space where you feel completely lost and helpless.

Finding the space to give yourself compassion for not doing the things you didn't know you had to, or didn't have the resources to accomplish at the time is difficult work when you've been taught to blame and shame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life.

It takes a mixture of luck and sheer stubborn willpower to make it when so much of life feels like it's trying to take your future from you. When you make it further than you ever expected to, figuring out where to go next is a daunting task, especially when it feels like you should know already.

Sometimes the conditioning of childhood traumas, or the severity of traumas, or even the density of traumatic events is enough to make it feel like survival isn't an option, and like the kindness to all parties is to just stop trying. I know what it's like to sit in that muck, on that ledge.

It can be incredibly difficult to see choosing to keep going as something to applaud - even when you know just how hard it is to do that sometimes. And it doesn't mean it's a failing if you can't; usually it means you didn't have or see where you had access to the social supports needed to succeed.

When you do it so often, it starts to feel like it's nothing special; your options are do or die, so you don't have much option but to do. Resilience feels like an obligation rather than a choice, life feels like it happens to you versus your choices having an impact on how things turn out, etc.

I am, however, proud of myself for making it to where I am, as minimal as it feels. The sheer density of traumatic and hurtful events that have occurred over the entire span of my life has regularly shocked my Psychiatrist - if only because I've tanked the vast majority of it and just kept going.

I typically have energy for little to none, but there are so many ideas that are constantly rattling around my skull. Had I not been nerfed by social, learning, mental health, and physical stuff for my entire life, I feel like I would have accomplished far more than feels possible for most folks.

I suppose if worst comes to worst, I at least have some boxes I can sell - a couple of which have been discontinued, and all of which are fully intact. Some models have been primed in Abbadon Black, but otherwise models are completely untouched. 😅

I have dreams for magnificent projects.

All of this is obviously limited to received gifts and the like, and I generally prioritize devices for accommodating disabilities and helping me with day-to-day household upkeep. I've technically been collecting for around a decade, and it's been a slow go. I haven't even built any yet.

Idk. There's something beautiful about that spark of interest and joy, and the intensity of the focus. There's something magical about someone feeling comfortable enough around you to let you into their world and share their joy and passions with you. It's one of my favorite dynamics.

The other option is to expand into Emperor's Children and Thousand Sons first, given the 40k armies will need more bulking up than the AoS armies based on point totals and unit strengths/weaknesses.

Tbh, I just enjoy painting the models and listening to people infodump about the lore.

I have this wild desire to have one of each unit to its largest permitted size (so expanded units where possible), along with upgrade kits, and likely some other kits to use in kitbashing.

At some point, I know I'll need to either expand my Chaos Daemons to include Khorne and Nurgle...

In the meantime, I'll probably look into the various units and functions more so I can better advise her regarding her armies (not my scope of focus, so I don't know much about them outside of lore and household headcanons).

I'm still working on my Slaanesh/Tzeentch collection slowly.

I think she needs a combat patrol for each, plus at least one other big box to have a solid 2000 point army? If she wants to hit 3000 or more, she's gonna be collecting for a while.

I know she'd LOVE a T'au Manta (wouldn't we all?) but likely won't ever spend the funds on finding and buying one.

Not me checking the current point values for the Ultimate Starter Set armies, plus the Crusher Stampede and Iron Halo Strike Force boxes because a local friend is slowly building her armies and was excited to have "a full army".

Me, knowing she's playing a horde and Ultramarines: 😬😅😭

Alright, body. I came upstairs early. I had some dopamine downtime. I took my meds. I even managed to sleep for a few hours.

Why have I been awake since 02:00(AM)? What is this nonsense?

I can almost guarantee I'll crash before I'm supposed to see a friend later today, too. 😑

Both can be true, too. 😒

Another option is that he's upset that there are minority children and parents at the playgrounds and he grew up in an area saturated with white people who had zero exposure to diversity outside of their rants.

Can't have Black folks or Queers at the playground, don't you know? We're "wrong". 🙃