Cybertruck owners are starting to look sad when I flip them off. This only makes me flip them off harder
I respect anyone’s right to wear busy patterns but some of you have got to consider the inebriated amongst us
I hate that the sparkle icon is shorthand for AI. They want us to think it’s magic. Fuck you!!! Magic is when you lose a glob of mustard from your sandwich but it doesn’t land on you. When you win at 20 questions. Sparkles belong to Liberace. A baby’s smiling eyes. I will put you in the ground!!!!!!
Need a woman I can call supreme leader
Falafel? more like falawsome
People who use the term “Disney magic” should have to pay more to get divorced
Can I share with you some sandwich wisdom? The best bread for an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich is scallion pancakes heated up in the toaster
Time is so fake, “oh we added more daylight” no you didn’t, daylight is portioned by the cosmos repent of your hubris
Billionaires could sleep every night on cashmere bedsheets and yet they still prefer to ruin the world for everyone else
Currently
Unpopular opinion: a Midwesterner should only be allowed to travel when they can demonstrate some control over their need to stand in lines immediately, no matter what
The most beautiful teefies
*puts lips directly on mic* “let me be neurodivergent in your house”
The part from A League of Their Own but it should be “there’s no crying on Wellbutrin”
In your case I will also be over for Dog Purposes
And not even medicine cabinet snooping, either. Tell me about this weird art in your hallway. Why are all your coasters crocheted? Do you ever get confused by all the light switches in your bathroom
When the Airbnb host has a labelmaker but also thrifts like it’s their job, guys it’s a confusing place to stay the night
You’re crazy, yours is wildly better
I want to be invited to people’s houses but only so I can look at all of their stuff and ask detailed questions about anything I think is cool
Gonna start saying “got a real bummer in my tummer” when I have gas or whatever
every child should be allowed to bring a little lamb to school and I will die on this deranged hill
I type very fast but also very loud because deep inside I am an airline ticket counter employee from the mid-90s who’s late to go on her break
I fear I have never been able to get into Björk 😭
The most embarrassing part of heterosexual marriage is when the guy hits middle age and thinks a career as a streamer is realisitic
Ah fuck, realizing that I developed personal growth after all of the bad shitty things that ever happened to me, 3/10 experience overall
I suffer from a form of Space Madness known as “Earth Madness”
While you were out spending your youth learning to twerk, I was perfecting the heels-down Asian squat. I’m a 5’9” white lady with no ass, the squat was much more functional and impressive
All My Earworms Are Irish Rebel Songs About How The British Should Die
If I wasn’t asexual before seeing Kid Rock and RFK Jr with their shirts off, I sure as shit am now
