Terry F

just chipped in. much love 🥰

honestly? what a way to go out

i wanted to make a joke about how it's 90 degrees outside but i couldn't find the right angle

look i know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate

me: [using a sharpie to add lines for each kid's new height] hey look you've each grown an inch since last year's mark lol

7-11 employee: please stop marking on our height strip

whenever i write a dollar amount i always include the number of cents, but that's beside the point

if you've seen one santa you've seen a mall

my apologies

if you've seen one santa you've seen a mall

Friend: ants can lift 50 times their body weight. I wish I could do that

Me: dude you can easily lift 50 times an ant's body weight, that's like a staple

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

GRANDPA: *pulls a quarter out of each of my ears*
ME: Dude, put those back. I was listening to 50 Cent.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

hospital boss: we're promoting you to the top position in our new ward

me: oh great! which ward?

hospital boss: psych!

me: aw dang, i thought you were serious :(

Live, Laugh, Love that chicken from Popeyes

doctor: what seems to be the problem today

me: i broke my ankle recording a stunt for my epic youtube prank channel lol

doctor: i see [writes "patient is fucking cringe" on clipboard]

[30 seconds before Mt Vesuvius erupts on Pompeii]

earth: watch me pop this zit lol

I’m feeling il [sic].

[cryptozoologist meeting]

me: what are the results of this recent bigfoot sighting investigation?

fellow enthusiast: we only found one set of footprints and they were human

me: aha! [remembering hearing about a similar situation] that was when jesus carried the sasquatch

of course this isn't a bot account. they don't exist here on #(00, 00, FF) sky

Good cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Bad cop: gtfo of the car

Neighbor cop: I'm gonna borrow your lawnmower then return it broken

smol bird

this is a good, mythical reference

wow she got you too??

writing a theme song for locksmiths and omg so many key changes

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: plz verify your birthday

me: it's this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don't have to get me anything

reception: um, ok

me: there's really nothing i need

reception: i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i'm size 12

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

where you see only one set of footprints in the sand, my child, that is where redbull gave you wings

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right