Bryce Tetraeder (@brycetetraeder) — Bluesky Profile

8 months ago

To the esteemed members of Congress, I say: Enjoy the paper. I look forward to seeing many of you at my annual orgy in one of the $500,000-per-head sex pits.

Infinite Influence Forever,

Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

Read The Onion's Open Letter To Congress On Theonion.com

Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...

80 5 3 1

8 months ago

fact-obsessed experts or listen to the drivel spewed by your half-wit constituents. The Onion is now your everything.

It is your sole guide, your lodestar, your universe. Burn all other newspapers. Drive their so-called journalists out into the cold. From here on out, America’s Finest News Source holds a monopoly on deciding what is best for our nation’s business interests, and therefore our nation.

As you’ll read in the piece I made my editorial board write while hovering

ver their shoulders and breathing my will into their ears, our country is slipping smoothly into the warm bath of authoritarianism and oligarchy. I wish I could take credit for this, and I will. But much of the praise must go to Congress and its cowardice. I ask you to stay the course and allow The Onion’s strong, steady arm to point the way. Your capitulation will be justly rewarded with glowing press coverage and the opportunity to borrow our paperboys to do with as you wish.

Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...

73 7 4 0

8 months ago

As a titan of business, I find this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not simply a balm for my soul, but also a huge benefit to my bottom line. We are on the precipice of a new economic order, one in which affluent men like myself will be able to select their own tax rate from a drop-down menu. It’s a reality I barely dreamed possible just a few months ago.

But sending each member of Congress a copy of our vaunted reporting is more than just a token gesture of thanks for bringing about a future in which scions like myself are given unlimited influence over government

and veto power over bike lanes. As we stand in the smoldering ruins of our democratic government, we at Global Tetrahedron LLC would be doing a disservice to our shareholders, their descendants, and their descendants’ thoroughbred horses if we didn’t take this opportunity to snatch up as much power and money as possible while the getting is good.

On that note, I invite you to peruse this issue and let it dictate your every action as you lead us forth into ruin. There’s no longer any need to pretend to read reports from

Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...

43 4 1 1

8 months ago

Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress
By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they must cast a vote. You may be wondering why you have lucked out and received a free issue of our storied publication without so much as inserting a rider into a bill classifying The Onion as a tax-free religious organization.

Simply put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any legal loophole could.

Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...

1,244 213 13 14

8 months ago

Congress, now more than ever, our nation needs your cowardice

I have sent a copy of ‘The Onion’ to every member of Congress. To spread its message to less powerful people, I have also taken out an ad in a lesser newspaper. Read my full letter here: theonion.com/why-im-sendi...

8,258 1,467 84 68

1 year ago

A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishi...

The InfoWars assets remain in limbo. Everything is now in doubt and everyone is worse off than before.

In short, it is the kind of world we at Global Tetrahedron have always envisioned. theonion.com/a-message-of...

2,078 270 25 24

1 year ago

So as we close this long chapter of uncertainty and dread and immediately open another much longer chapter of uncertainty and dread, I hope you will all follow along. Untapped acres of time stretch forward without limit, and the name on the deed is ours.

Your role will soon become clear. Stand by.

Infinite Growth Forever,

Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

Infinite Growth Forever.

482 12 7 3

1 year ago

In short, it is the kind of world we at Global Tetrahedron have always envisioned. One in which wealth begets wealth, power begets power, and the process itself inflicts daily suffering on innocent parties for no reason.

On a personal level, witnessing this saga has been nothing short of inspiring. To see such naked contempt for truth and humanity—to have front-row seats as a parade of mercenary goons disfigure the English language with blunt-force bravado—is a dream come true for the 10-year-old boy in me who grew up idolizing greats like George Wallace and Idi Amin.

And as I reflect on how lucky I am, I find myself wishing others could share in this experience. I believe that everyone, at least once in their life, should know the joy of being locked in a byzantine financial struggle to own InfoWars.com.

That is why my message to you today is one of hope. This is not the end for Global Tetrahedron. When the night seems dark, we can still make it darker and profit from darkness arbitrage markets. When the world seems to have died, it is possible to extract significant economic value from its slouching corpse. And no matter what, transnational global capital always wins.

354 11 2 3

1 year ago

A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron

By Bryce P. Tetraeder, CEO

-Global Tetrahedron

We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia.

A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved, and the final outcome is inconclusive: The InfoWars assets remain in limbo. Everything is now in doubt and everyone is worse off than before.

A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social: theonion.com/a-message-of...

1,788 220 27 36

1 year ago

We’re always bunkmates at the annual Bilderberg Meeting.

168 2 3 0

1 year ago

Great guy!

189 2 5 0

1 year ago

Wait, they’re still on the board? I thought I had them killed.

198 9 4 2

1 year ago

Accusations of an improper workplace relationship between us are misleading.

695 39 8 0

1 year ago

This guy is godfather to my youngest blood boy.

526 17 5 0

1 year ago

He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s getting fired tomorrow.

1,401 66 19 1

1 year ago

We've done so much blow together.

606 28 4 0

1 year ago

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Bryce Tetraeder - The CEO, chairman, media proprietor, entrepreneur, human trafficker, thought leader, and venture capitalist responsible for overseeing Global Tetrahedron’s transition from a mere multinational conglomerate into a truly interglobal empire.

986 57 35 5

1 year ago

Just got to the studio. Podcasting mic all chewed up. Disgusting.

1,440 82 25 5

1 year ago

Please stop DMing me. I already have wives.

671 29 16 2

1 year ago

Global Tetrahedron is committed to silencing all voices.

2,953 209 31 5

1 year ago

Redundant InfoWars employees will be laid off with a humane 25-gram cocktail of Brain Force and pentobarbital.

1,823 164 12 3

1 year ago

To all the pathetic reporters asking: I am not available for comment as I am currently submerged in an adrenochrome fountain.

3,670 328 42 25

1 year ago

Any muscle mass or male sex hormones previously derived from SuperMale Vitality will be rendered inactive on December 1.

737 67 5 6

1 year ago

It has been a pleasure working with members of the Deep State, the global cabal of elites, and the United States shadow government to close this deal.

2,139 142 22 4

1 year ago

398 9 10 1

1 year ago

296 12 3 2

1 year ago

171 10 2 2

1 year ago

Infinite Growth Forever:
global-tetrahedron.com

6,115 906 129 166

1 year ago

Read my full letter here: theonion.com/heres-why-i-...

705 146 36 25

1 year ago

Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘The Onion’ Since Global Tetrahedron bought this publication several months ago, there has been significant chatter about who our company is and what it represents. Much has been made of my past as a tech entrepr...

Put simply, we understand that The Onion is special, and Global Tetrahedron’s entire executive team is dedicated to extracting all the value we can from that specialness.

622 63 17 12