Tomm Moppolliss

Many people in chicago are lining up to take home little pieces of the leprchaun that succumbed to inclement weather over the weekend.

Im sorry mom it’s not a phase i’m genuinely sleeping around with all your friends ;)

Gentleman children are hard at work laying the foundation for the crisis centers that will save the lives of many at risk suburban war veterans.

I got a simple perogative: eat, skeet, and wake the fuck up again.

Huge yellowstone geyser has been found to be spraying vast quantities of magma-hot estrogen! Please keep your male dogs away from it and let your female dogs run riot right into it’s gaping maw!

Play ping pong with those that would reject you, those that would strip you bare and defame you. Play ping pong with them because they are simply the ones that need it the most.

Runaway carousel near my house caught fire yesterday but i wasn’t around to care too busy riding real horses on highly dangerous courses with spikes and ramps

The employees at wegmans walk all over me. Everyone else does already so isn’t it about time they had a turn?

Ahoy there! I see you over there! No need to be shy I got taffy back at my place for someone as cool looking as you!

Best Western Motel casino and meadow and she wont be seeing the outside of her room ever again.

Somberly waving my little hands around in extreme fear over on 5th street if you see me, please feed me

*Lookin at Orion* Hey buddy we know you got a belt, when oh when are you gonna buy some pants???

Woke up to a bed full of suds this morning, yeah i’m #clean but my bed is freakin SOAKED

No way just surreal shitposting

Plant enough #kisses in the dirt and maybe one day flowers will grow.

#poetry

Are they still making a #spiderman movie? No way they’d lose so much money

The prettiest towns in America in no particular order:

1. Diaper Town
2. Crazytown
3. Funkytown
4. #Oakland
5. Lazytown

“Ahem” Please send me a picture of #cathy ‘s #giblets

I’m itchin for a #critchin

Taylor swift’s been around for long enough i hope she get’s #listeria before my bridal shower so i can play some real #music

I really think im turning japanese i think im turning japanese i really think so.

#anxiety

If my genitals start breaking out in pimples please meet me at the library

#genitals #fear

Hey good to see everyone thanks for having me up here today!

Changing Mealworms into Mealtickets, one day at a time.

Well, we HAD a blue child, somewhere off in that direction but he may or may not still be there

*Me confronting a guilty looking kid with his closed mouth full of something that shouldnt be in there*

Open up! >:(

I’m so tired of seeing titties on instagram

“Yeah I got a job…. Jab Job!” (Tremendous Laughter)

The sweet smell of saffron wafted up past the bleachers towards the gymnasium ceiling

Hey you wanna freak me out? You wanna move my needle? Make Jaws 4 but in a landlocked state.