if i had a stun gun i wouldn’t tell anyone so when i stunned them they’d be super stunned
Or Driving your Datsun.
who called it an american express credit card statement instead of an ae iou
New slogan: "Florsheim, they make you lean"//
Trump freestyling 🤦♂️
if you see me quoting Wham! songs, no you didn’t. that was so last christmas
I used to eat what I want, drink constantly, never work out and still stay in great shape. And now that I'm older, I think 3 out of 4 ain't bad.
ME: [Preparing to make a cocktail]
HER: What are you doing, the doctor just told you to be healthier and eat more greens.
ME: Fine... [Reluctantly makes a Midori Sour]
DOCTOR: Still not what I meant.
Hmm, yesterday I had an extra hour and this morning it was gone. Not sure who's responsible but I'm firing the maid.
CVS always calls and texts two days before pickup so they can start printing the receipt.
Randy Newman: *nods approvingly*
Are we allowed to get the rest of the Epstein files now?
Most likely outcome is that asshole dies of old age and leaves everyone else to clean up his mess, capping an 80 year run of never experiencing consequences. Only in America baby!
I feel for you.
international women’s day 2: electric boogaloo
“safety in numbers” i whisper, while filling my purse with donuts
love how we killed the old, frail anti-nuke ayatollah just to have him replaced with his young, healthy son who wants nukes and who just had his father, mother, wife, and child murdered on the same day by his mortal enemy. surely this will bring peace to the region
Wife: You can't spell bananas?
Me: I'm not really into Gwen Stefani.
"Coffee makes me go boom-boom"- The kind of stuff I used to tweet.
I saw a microbiologist today...
They were much bigger than I expected...
you gotta love how news networks still try and drag you along with the weather report like “we’ll be back to you with the weather report in 10min” like you can’t check your phone in two seconds
Pushing in a pull door world
what would you do for a slightly used klondike bar
Thank you for having International Women's Day on the shortest day of the year
Believe it or not he’s one of only 2% in this department out of all of Congress.
So many people unfollow me when I say gross sex stuff like they forget this is the internet and that’s basically its entire purpose.
Hired!
Where can I find that "Talirico-like" Church where followers believe and practice what is preached?
