Uncle Duke

Partial section of the face of a full-size chocolate cat being held over the face of an actual cat.

Phantom of the Opurra

a cat sinks its teeth into middle c on the keyboard of a piano

cat starts with c

I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.

Four months of patience, determination, and the diligence to perform some simple on-the-fly daily calculations, finally paid off this morning when I at last woke up to find that all the clocks in the house had in fact, as I told my wife they would, fixed themselves on their own.

The most drag queen of all serpents is the feather boa.

You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?

An album cover with Zamfir the master of the Pan Flute

For years we've accepted without questioning that Zamfir is the Master of the Pan Flute. I am interested in exploring this relationship from the flute's perspective. My expose, Pan Flute the Slave of Zamfir, will be available wherever books are sold in early 2027.

ME: *does nothing to my profile for years*

LINKEDIN EMAIL: hey buddy people are really starting to notice you

now that there are no phone booths Clark Kent just strips naked in the street

This daylight saving crap seems like a gimmick. I give it 6 months.

When Stuart Little has a flat he calls aaa

The little community Cape Cod radio station I listen to has gone silent for the last 5 minutes and I am left to assume a monster bent on our destruction has risen from the briny deep or the dj locked herself out of the studio after she’d gone to squeeze a grumpy

i used to smoke cigarettes. candy cigarettes. then i went on the patch. sour patch. now im clean. mr clean . in this ted talk, i will

Across America, strangers will high-five each other, group chats will erupt, dogs will wag at nothing. In DC, bartenders will ring bells. In Paris, a cigarette is lit. In Canada, someone will apologize for cheering. Democracy will exhale, kick off its shoes, and sits down.

Sign on white paper, stuck on a vending machine: "OUT OF ORDER Removing this sign will not make it work"

Monday Mood

Saturn without its rings asking everything what it really thinks about Saturn and you still pretend to laugh at all my witty gazes in the planetarium

inventing a car that runs on despair

WebMD sent flowers to my house

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

To whoever it was that rubbed a balloon on this duck’s head- Not Cool.

(Alt for photo - it’s a beautiful little duck with very spiky head feathers)

Edited image of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a weapon approaching a young Jeff Bezos holding a book.

After contemplating potential responses, and failing to come up with anything witty or clever, he chose to reply anyway.

Apparently people won’t read anything written in the third person anymore.
She said despairingly.

The Podium of Fragile Masculinity

Markwayne Mullin has strong opinions, a strong jawline, and a strong relationship with the Podium of Fragile Masculinity.

Stocks down, oil up, ballots banned, margaritas flowing.

Stocks down, oil up, ballots banned, margaritas flowing.

i used ai to train my dogs and they formed a military junta

well on the bright side, it’s not as bad as it will be tomorrow

This day in history. 1868. At Sakai Japan 100 French sailors, tired of drunkenly harassing women and desecrating temples, started a firefight with the samurai garrison. 12 sailors were killed so a Japanese prince apologized, the townspeople paid damages of $150,000, and 11 samurai committed seppuku.

i envy the optimism of people who carpet the bathroom

A bear-shaped Kit Kat bar that, when viewed upside-down, suggests a phallus.

Is that a Kit Kat bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?