Uncle Duke

A Zoom meeting screen with several participants displayed at the top. Below, a gray cat is sitting at a table, raising one paw as if participating in the meeting. The setting includes a granite tabletop and chairs.

“Now, I’ll pass things off to Jasper, who’s put together a PowerPoint for us. Jasper?”

“Thanks Jim, morning everyone.“

A turkey is fenced in behind a sign on a post reading “LLAMA.”

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

A puppy and a raccoon standing face to face with the raccoon touching the puppy's snout.

"Let's go over this one more time."
"I know what-"
"ONE MORE TIME."
"Fine."
"What is it you're looking for?"
"A garbage bag."
"In which room?"
"The kitchen."
"What do you do when you find it?"
"Bring it to you here."
"I'm counting on you, Tim."

A very guilty-looking chocolate lab sits in front of two loaves of (pumpkin?) bread. One has been partially eaten.

“It wasn’t me.”
“I have several witnesses.”
“They’re mistaken.”
“We found crumbs in your fur.”
“You planted those there.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m being framed.”
“Listen, pal-“
“Lawyer.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said I want my lawyer.”
“I don’t think-“
“Listen, buddy, I’ve got rights.”

COP: Are you high?

MOTORIST: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?

[one leaf falls from cop]

Me: I should hire a stuntman to handle my daily routine.

Her: You’re gonna pay someone to lay on the couch and play with your phone?

When I was young, I thought that when someone in a TV show or movie asked “Are you wearing a wire?” it meant “an underwire bra”

Whenever they asked women characters I was shocked at how rude and intrusive a question it was, but it did make scenes where they asked men that much more interesting

At least everything that feels like a caving in wants to be there. I studied the myth of Atlas, trained with arches and rollbars, all I think about is starting up a casual rubble conversation for a one collapse stand

Don't rly appreciate the word "miracle" being used in the title of skin care products

*gets insulted* wow wait till I google what that means.

All I'm saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

At dinner my son announced that he’ll be playing the lead role in the school play. “I usually don’t like to talk in front of crowds,” he said, “but I’m willing to try.” I’ll proudly be there in the front row on opening night of “Because of Winn-Dixie,” starring my son as the dog.

ME: so what do you think of this cluster of big lakes

TONY THE TIGER: *deep breath*

I will not rest until I've finished this nap.

House votes to kill bill 😳

oh no not Bill !

i was raptured earlier but didn’t care for it they kept trying to get me to sign up for paramount+ anyway i’m back now

A Bee Gees appreciation day, call it Thanksgibbing

i always accept cookies. who wouldn’t ? are you insane they’re delicious jfc

So what exactly happens when you reach the 19th hour and you're wearing an eighteen hour bra?

Is it possible that I used the word "scallawag"one too many times while sexting?

*finds a dead body*

Me: IS IT CAKE?

i've lost the will for you to live

This time of year when you rage against the machine chances are that machine is a neighbor's noisy leaf blower.

we are not even a quarter way through this boss fight

When we’ve finished making love I like to make a pinging sound like the microwave as I feel it adds a little whimsical fun to things, and it also lets my wife know that I fully understand my birthday is over for another year.

One of the people in the meeting this morning was named Austin Powers and I'm pretty sure I just witnessed early days of a villain's backstory

(Quietly enjoying a pudding cup and a gentle Monkees documentary on PBS)

A very guilty-looking chocolate lab sits in front of two loaves of (pumpkin?) bread. One has been partially eaten.

“It wasn’t me.”
“I have several witnesses.”
“They’re mistaken.”
“We found crumbs in your fur.”
“You planted those there.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m being framed.”
“Listen, pal-“
“Lawyer.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said I want my lawyer.”
“I don’t think-“
“Listen, buddy, I’ve got rights.”

A puppy and a raccoon standing face to face with the raccoon touching the puppy's snout.

"Let's go over this one more time."
"I know what-"
"ONE MORE TIME."
"Fine."
"What is it you're looking for?"
"A garbage bag."
"In which room?"
"The kitchen."
"What do you do when you find it?"
"Bring it to you here."
"I'm counting on you, Tim."

Sign on a library book drop sign requesting people to yell "NOT A SQUIRREL" to confirm they are human and not a squirrel trying to steal Keith's lunch.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
squirrel: *disappears into book drop*
me: *whispers* forgive me, keith