Uncle Duke

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents

My favorite thing is validating the clearly unchecked fashion choices of small children in front of their exhausted parents. It's 90 degrees outside but you are rockin' those snow boots, Henry

Saw this the other day. Not today, because it was snowing

A great storm gently leaves a glass bottle behind on the doorstep, the cork loose in the cabin, a message jammed in the neck "the cork was fast, but I was fastener"

scammy websites should end in .con i just invented that you’re welcome 💅🏽

🚨TIJUANA BIBLE #1 IS READY🚨

I GOT 25 PRINTED COPIES OF MY FIRST TIJUANA BIBLE LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ONE THEY WILL BE AUTOGRAPHED

Shout out to my grandfather who fought against the Nazis so I could post jokes about Kool-Aid Man's dick

What the great philosophers failed to consider is my feelings

Seems like a good year to try to bring back asbestos insulation if that's your thing

let’s all place our hearts and brains into a shelter for awhile

if at first you don’t succeed, you’ve succeeded at failure

[date]

me: *trying to impress* so who’s your favorite philosopher?

her: I like plato

me: ooh do you have the one where you can make your own little cakes I love that one

celebs hailing crabs instead of cabs: thread

If I get bitten by a zombie, do not shoot me before I turn. I want to see what it’s like. Might be a whole new exciting chapter in my life.

Another day of Trump chaos. America is being governed like a Waffle House at 3:17 a.m.

I’ll wait for you to get your sniffing in if you wait for me to take a snap of something that’s not pressure-treated

celebrating st patrick’s day early by eating a stick of kerrygold butter

i hear people defending those in this administration with “they are highly educated” and honey let me tell you, i too went the good schools and they are filled with entitled idiots

America isn't real. It's actually a social experiment testing how much its citizens can endure.

This day in history. 1809. Swedish king Adolf IV Gustav was deposed by a group of noblemen known for reasons I should probably not fixate on as Arse Men of 1809.

Sometimes selective amnesia is a sword and sometimes it’s a shield. And sometimes it’s another thingy, I can’t recall what.

Cats appreciate having regal names reflecting their personalities and I think Count Sofashredder and Baron Von Kärpetbarfür would agree

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

me: *putting Sister Agatha back down* sorry, Reverend Mother

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Netanyahu spent many of his formative years growing up in Philly and I genuinely don’t know who wants that information publicized less, Netanyahu or Philly

Anyone know when tickets for Nuremberg Trials II go on sale?

I hate paying scalpers but any port in a storm

Extra big shoehorn for my onesie

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents