Uncle Duke

Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.

some shit is about to go down

a pack of kittens closes in a a large dog standing on a chair

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“As the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not man’s role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.”

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

I want to leave this lake proud of what I've done. Whether it's swimming to the dam and scaling the precarious walls on either side, or seeing how many pebbles we can toss in the air

I went to a big gathering tonight and when I talked, nobody called me a liar or said to stop rewriting history. Does this always happen offline?

A lot of people say AI isn't very good for the world and its outputs are routinely unreliable, but these haters fail to see how it's revolutionizing how we incinerate schoolchildren.

The lions, tigers, wolves, bears, rhinos, leopards, and chimps got out. We don't really have a plan but we're confident it'll be ok.

Nothing says “my kids were an accident” more than a full back tattoo of Yosemite Sam

Look Canada, I’m not looking to apply for citizenship yet but let the record show I have never listened to a Gordon Lightfoot song without openly weeping

Love reading Frankenstein in public so I can occasionally say, “I guess we see who the real monster is.”

Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

You don’t look a day over 604 months.

So, when is it inappropriate to continue with months old? “I’m 607 months old…”
Is this okay?

I don’t get invited to many places, but when I do I say no

It's ok. I'm funnier in french.

I've been telling so many folks that I hope my parents are happy in heaven that dad now wishes I'd picked them out a care home with a different name.

Alex the cat sticking his butthole in my face

imma start saying goodnight to you all like Alex does to me

I’m not great with idioms but I know one thing:

If wishes were fishes, snitches would get stitches.

leper colony removes “A Farewell to Arms” from it’s ‘suggested reading list’ . it took me 3 days to come up with this one . you’re welcome 😬

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.

One of the light bulbs in the fixture over my bathroom sink burned out and I finally have self-confidence

Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents!
You don't even need to know what the secret is!

This is getting out of hand. I just watched the CEO of Valvoline chug a quart of 10W-30 Full Synthetic on Tik Tok.

Me [turning on my favorite show]: I can’t wait to watch this week’s episode. They ended on a cliffhanger last week.

Show: *devotes entire episode to flashback*

Me: SON OF A

wait wtf are detachable peanuts

RELUCTANTLY CROUCHED AT THE STARTING LINE

This day in history. 1906. American soldiers and marines massacred hundreds of Moro villagers including children and women. General Leonard Wood took responsibility but in 2016 Philippine president and 76-time murderer Rodrigo Duterte blamed Barack Obama of course.

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”