Stephi Wagner, Therapist

My parents told me to “wait until I had kids” and I would understand their parenting.

I’m a parent and now they really don’t like what I understand about their parenting.

Maybe that cousin you were always told “never comes to family events because they don’t care about anyone in the family” would be at those events in a heartbeat if their abusers weren’t also going to be there.

Our children are the only ones who get to decide how well we did as a parent.

Imagine teaching your child that their voice doesn't matter and then being confused when they stop calling.

A parent is not a victim because their child has decided that life is better without them in it.

To whom it may concern: Keeping your kids away from abusive grandparents isn't
"using your kids as pawns." It's doing your job as a parent.

Imagine hurting your child so much they cut you off and then thinking you're the victim.

Estranged parents [Then]: "We're your parents, not your friend! You should be thankful; we fed you and clothed you!”

Estranged parents [Now]: "I can’t understand why you don’t call, visit, or include me in your life?”

Don’t keep going back to a dry well expecting to get water.

I’m not talking about wells or water.

Adult children estranging their parents isn’t a trend. Or ageism. Or an unraveling of the very fabric of society. It’s kids these days taking our power back and standing up for ourselves by refusing to continue to tolerate mistreatment by the people who have been our parents in name only.

Adult sibling: "wHy CAn'T yOu JuSt kEeP tHe pEaCe wItH mOm?!?"

Translation: I want you to go back to tolerating abuse and staying silent. I am being inconvenienced by the steps you are taking to keep yourself safe from mom.

It's not your job to say yes to your mom so she won't feel upset about your no.

Dear mom,

Your phone didn't ring on Mother's Day because I forgot. It didn't ring because I remembered.

Keeping children away from abusive grandparents isn’t using ”your kids as pawns.” It’s doing your job as a parent.

mom, I didn't stay as long as I did because you loved me. I stayed as long as I did because I hoped you'd love me someday.

Boundary-pusher moms sound like:

• "That's ridiculous."
• "But I don't agree!"
•"You're overreacting."
• "You don't really need that."
• "But I'm your mom!"
• "We never did that before!"
• "Other moms don't do that."

It’s not your job to give your parents the love your grandparents didn’t give them.

Before you say something negative about how your child has chosen to dress, style their hair, and otherwise express themselves in their own body, please keep in mind that I speak with adults every single day who carry pain decades later about their own parents doing the exact same thing.

Imagine hurting your child so much they cut you off and then thinking you're the victim.

Sometimes abusive moms…

* Are really charming
* Work in caring professions
* Have lots of friends
* Are kind & loving out in public
* Go out of their way to help others
* Abuse one child and favor another
* Treat other people really well
* Volunteer in their free time
* Buy their kids lots of stuff

If your mom is pushing for a “fresh start” without taking accountability for past hurts, her goal is manipulation not restoration.

Parent: I’ve been 13. You’ve never been 39 so don’t question my decisions.

Me (Now 39): I was right to question those decisions at 13… yikes.

Don’t mistake an estranged parent’s nostalgia for the control they once had over their child for genuine love and respect.

A mother’s religious beliefs are not valid reasons to hurt her children.

It’s not your job to say yes to your mom so she won’t feel upset about your no.

I had to allow my little self to grieve the mother she always longed for while the mother who always hurt her was still very much alive.

my parents then: you're on your own! don't come to us looking for help.

my parents now: why don't we see our kids anymore?

Newly estranged parents going to other estranged parents asking, “Why did my adult child cut me off?” and “How do I reconcile with my estranged child?” is the epitome of nonsensical. Why do you think these estranged parents are still estranged from their own children 5, 10, 15 years later?!?! Gah!!

My parents: we didn’t have that information back in our day space

also my parents: why are you constantly researching parenting