like ive considered breaking no contact to feel something & that is wild to me. something else must be going on
havent felt this impulsive in a long time and idk what to do
been asking my mom why its hot in the house for days .. ik summer is coming but wtf? just for her to tell me now after i mad a big deal that the heats Been On. …………………………………… DOT DOT DOT i cannot
took mushroom gummies and i thought i did this so id forget why i feel the way i do but instead its kinda like
lmfaooooooo nah u know and now u know Deeper
5 days! 5 days! 5 days!
this was as long as i made it past time b4 relapsing <3 sure sometimes i want nic but im so good on it rn lmao
slept my day off away. cried and was sue of side al the entire time i was awake. lol
slept like 16.5 hours yesterday. was only able to sleep like 3 hours today. my head hurts & i think im sick. ive tried taking meds & not much seems to have changed. uggghhh. i stg if im SICK the days i have off……
3 days without nicotine again
and last night i only got 4 hours of sleep yikes
i work 9 hrs today ahh
like all these people have to do is super small things that help Everyone in the household. yet im expected to do most of the small things. ill let the dogs out in like an hour if those jerks dont let them out themselves. bc unlike them, i listen to other creatures & i care abt them.
my dogs r keeping my mom & stepdad awake by scratching at the bedroom door & yelping to get let out of the room & i find it funny like mwhahaha karma u mofos. wonder how it feels! jk i know exactly how it feels bc thats been my sleeping experience for the past few months.
work has effectively trained me to be scared of when i feel like i need to pee bc they will get mad at me if i ask to go :(
i think i love the planet saturn
honestly id rather live somewhere else if im going to be paying rent in a place I CANT SLEEP IN
i am literally in pain & theyre more focused on siphoning money from me KNOWING im spending it on my DISABILITIES THEY helped CAUSE
my family is fking evil
i stg
having my “friend” try to contact his ex bc he threatened to put her (his ex) in debt… just for my “friend” to sell him content Knowing im still being abused by him… that makes me fking sick.
5.5 months no contact. almost 6
months. i am more than my past relationship w that abusive fk but damn the damage i took is still settling in 💀 like damn he just deeply used & manipulated me at my most vulnerable 💀 i still… am in shock
i mean i also got sexually harassed Again today & its just wild that it keeps happening. its either old men or older teens/early 20s dudes. its scary every time. i sometimes cant believe it keeps happening. they think bc i make eye contact its an invite & i am kinda forced to make eye contact @ work
weird as hell knowing the guy flirting w me at work said today that he has a gf in a different part of the world & its like ??? uve been getting numbers at work acting like ur single ?? omg men just piss me off
finding out the people i was interested in are already interested in other people really … broke my projective delusions. they dont like me like i like them & thats fine. im glad i never said anything to them about it. embarrassing
do i even like them or do i just want them? idek if its gender envy either. like idk whats going on im just a vessel ok
i didnt realize i liked them until i noticed i get jealous when two specific people get loads of attention. like gosh dang it not again!!!
i forgot that part of what makes work fun for me is the sexual tension between me and coworkers (it does trigger my bpd tho) maybe its actually more like the sexual tension between me and consistency in general 😭
i talked to my grandma abt picking me up for work 2 days ago. reminded her yesterday. i asked 20 min b4 i had to leave if she was still picking me up. she said she forgot & would get me like hours into my shift. so im driving my car that i know something is wrong w to get there on time
literally anything that interests in me feels like im pulling teeth.
hard to be grateful for my “family” when they are who/how they are lmao
legit so glad i have rides to work the next few days bc even tho my car is having probs, the rides to work ease my stress incredibly
i want a job i can dissociate during :-/
like i am but can i talk to coworkers w/o talking to them w my customer service voice?
funny how i can tell that it bugs my manager when im not talking to him. when i asked what else he wanted me to do w/o a smile nor a high pitched tone, he immediately thought i was mad at him. -____-
just like a relationship, im like ew u can stay how yall are. im not interested tho. i hope others realize it as well. like cool i have a job but its literally so exhausting.
