The Takoma Torch 🔥🐓

It's too bad the town's rope committee was disbanned in 1900

MoCo Makes History By Appointing First Ever Dead Historic Preservation Commissioner WHEATON, MD – The Montgomery County Council took a visionary leap toward modernizing bureaucracy by confirming the appointment of its first-ever dead resident to the Historic Preservation Com…

Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.

Amplified Street Preacher Annoyed By Gas Leaf Blower Interrupting Sermon SILVER SPRING, MD – Downtown’s most unignorable loudspeaker-using street preacher, Pastor Donny “Decibel” Daniels, is reportedly outraged after a gas-powered leaf blower allegedly disrupted h…

“The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”

If nothing, we are all about facts

Please do

Nation Shocked by Boomer Announcing Retirement Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move other Boomers are calling “treason against our generation,” Nancy Pelosi stunned her peers this morning by announcing she …

“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”

MoCo Executive Marc Elrich Visits China to Learn How to Build Great Wall Around Bethesda BEIJING, CHINA – County Executive Marc Elrich announced he is in China this week, specifically to study the Great Wall so he can build a full-scale replica around Bethesda, protecting the res…

#StopBethesdafication

Trump Sends ICE to Dodger Stadium to Prevent Blue Jays From Winning World Series LOS ANGELES – President Donald Trump deployed U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to Dodger Stadium immediately after the Blue Jays won Game 5, just one win away from winnin…

“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”

Epstein Files Accidentally Lost In East Wing Demolition WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a tragic and totally unforeseeable accident, the long-awaited Epstein files were reportedly and accidentally destroyed this week when President Donald Trump ordered the demoli…

Case closed.

SHA Rolls Out New ‘Optional’ Speed Bumps on Carroll Avenue For Drivers Who Don’t Feel Like Slowing Down TAKOMA PARK, MD — In a bold new traffic-calming strategy the Maryland State Highway Administration (SHA) installed a series of “optional” speed bumps on Carroll Avenue, intentionally narrow enough …

"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”

Takoma Man Celebrates Easy Parking at Metro Station Due to Government Shutdown TAKOMA PARK, MD — While most Americans brace for the chaos of a government shutdown, one Takoma Park resident admits he’s “kind of OK with it” if it means he can finally park at the Takoma Metro lo…

“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”

Trump suck

Donald Jr is dumb

CK

Live as Jesus lived.

Kash Patel: Kirk's Assassin Left Manifesto Confessing FBI Director 'Super Handsome'

Well, she's insubordinate now...

Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped

16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows

BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS

Parkway Deli’s Pickle Bar ‘Kind of Sucks’ Marc Elrich Says SILVER SPRING, MD – Speaking at a District 18 Breakfast Club meeting at Parkway Deli Monday morning, County Executive Marc Elrich said the restaurant’s beloved free pickle bar “ac…

“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.

DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow

New Takoma torch logo

We love our new logo and we think you will, too.

Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair WILLIAMSPORT, PA – Parents were left stunned Saturday when 12-year-old shortstop Mason “Drippy” Henderson was ejected from the Little League World Series for failing to meet the minimum numbe…

Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair

County Officials to Spend $15 Million on Community Engagement For $50k Playground Photo Credit: Cuchulain/Wikipedia Commons ROCKVILLE, MD – Montgomery County officials proudly announced plans to invest $15 million in “robust and meaningful community engagement” before appr…

“I feel blindsided," remarked one county resident. "The county should have warned us about this playground at least five years before my grandchildren were born.”

Nation Forced to Side With Grok

New Zoning Law Requires 2.5 Rec Centers for Each Condo Unit

Takoma Torch to Lecture Harvard Law on Handling Frivolous Lawsuits From Shitheads CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard Law School, long regarded as the world’s premier training ground for legal minds, has announced a new guest lecture series: “How Not to Fold Like a Cheap Suit When a S…

Our bee lawyer can really sting.

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