The Takoma Torch 🔥🐓

Takoma Man Celebrates Easy Parking at Metro Station Due to Government Shutdown TAKOMA PARK, MD — While most Americans brace for the chaos of a government shutdown, one Takoma Park resident admits he’s “kind of OK with it” if it means he can finally park at the Takoma Metro lo…

“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”

Trump suck

Donald Jr is dumb

CK

Live as Jesus lived.

Kash Patel: Kirk's Assassin Left Manifesto Confessing FBI Director 'Super Handsome'

Well, she's insubordinate now...

Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped

16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows

BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS

Parkway Deli’s Pickle Bar ‘Kind of Sucks’ Marc Elrich Says SILVER SPRING, MD – Speaking at a District 18 Breakfast Club meeting at Parkway Deli Monday morning, County Executive Marc Elrich said the restaurant’s beloved free pickle bar “ac…

“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.

DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow

New Takoma torch logo

We love our new logo and we think you will, too.

Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair WILLIAMSPORT, PA – Parents were left stunned Saturday when 12-year-old shortstop Mason “Drippy” Henderson was ejected from the Little League World Series for failing to meet the minimum numbe…

Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair

County Officials to Spend $15 Million on Community Engagement For $50k Playground Photo Credit: Cuchulain/Wikipedia Commons ROCKVILLE, MD – Montgomery County officials proudly announced plans to invest $15 million in “robust and meaningful community engagement” before appr…

“I feel blindsided," remarked one county resident. "The county should have warned us about this playground at least five years before my grandchildren were born.”

Nation Forced to Side With Grok

New Zoning Law Requires 2.5 Rec Centers for Each Condo Unit

Takoma Torch to Lecture Harvard Law on Handling Frivolous Lawsuits From Shitheads CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard Law School, long regarded as the world’s premier training ground for legal minds, has announced a new guest lecture series: “How Not to Fold Like a Cheap Suit When a S…

Our bee lawyer can really sting.

Whew!

Stay local!!

Moron signs name with pen

BREAKING: Donald Trump Becomes Youngest Person To Ever Write Own Name at 79

‘Parker’ the Parking Lot Robot Decommissioned by County, Immediately Leased by Takoma Park to Patrol Co-op Lot TAKOMA PARK, MD – Just days after being unceremoniously decommissioned by the Montgomery County Council, Parker, the once-controversial parking lot robot, has found a new lease on life as the…

“Parker is more than a robot. He’s a symbol of resistance. Of justice. Of preventing someone from Bethesda parking at our co-op just because they want to try ‘hippie milk.’”

Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole A new study has found that safe, wealthy neighborhoods are at severe risk of becoming crime-ridden shitholes if local governments approve just one more minor public works enhancement. “This s…

Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole

Trump and Satan on South Park

Firefighters Deny Retaliation After Soaking Baseball Field, Claim They Were Just Throwing ‘Wet Dreams’ Party for Team SILVER SPRING, MD – Montgomery County Fire & Rescue officials are denying any wrongdoing after a firehose “accidentally” blasted thousands of gallons of water across the Takoma Thunderbol…

Firefighters Deny Retaliation After Soaking Baseball Field, Claim They Were Just Throwing ‘Wet Dreams’ Party for Team

Marc Elrich and Nimbee caught on the Coldplay kiss Cam

I want the whole world to know.

Washington Orangeskins

Breaking: Trump Demands Washington Rename Football Team

Nimbee-Torch parade photos

Nimbee-Torch parade photos

Yimbee

The developers

A great time at the Takoma Park 4th of July parade! Local hero and patriot @thenimbee.bsky.social rode through town warning everyone the developers were coming!