The Takoma Torch 🔥🐓

Another Fun-Filled Adventure in Takoma Park...

City Installs AI Cameras To Automatically Ticket ‘Rolling Stops’ at 3‐Minute Public Testimony Limit TAKOMA PARK, MD – After successfully installing AI-powered stop sign cameras across town, the City of Takoma Park has unveiled Phase Two: automated detection of residents making “rollin…

“We’ve seen a dangerous pattern,” said Ward 6 Councilmember Amy Wesolek during a presentation titled Civic Deceleration Compliance Initiative. “People slow down at 2:55, say ‘in conclusion,’ and then introduce three more points about stormwater management concerns. That’s a yield, not a stop.”

Takoma Park Residents Trapped in Extended Council Meeting After Outbreak of ‘The Clap’ TAKOMA PARK, MD – What began as a routine three hour city council meeting reportedly entered hour four Wednesday after audience members were quarantined in their seats amid an aggressive outb…

“Each flare-up lasts 15 seconds,” one observer noted. “Multiply that by 83 speakers and you’ve essentially added a bonus topic to the meeting agenda.”

Invitation to the 7th anniversary of the Takoma Torch

Free cake, free beer and free karaoke! What more could you want on a Saturday night?

Also, @govwesmoore.bsky.social, we hear you're now free on this night. Come sing a song with us!

Saturday, Feb 21st, Downtown Silver Spring American Legion, 6:30pm

Washed up, loser lawyer Rust Giuliani

#TeamRaskin

Takoma Park Announces Status as ‘Nuance-Free Zone’ TAKOMA PARK, MD – Following a decisive 4-3 vote, Takoma Park officially declared itself a “Nuance-Free” zone, ensuring all future debates are conducted without the distraction of …

“Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”

BREAKING: Americans Fucking Thrilled Dry January is Over

MCPS Announces New School Boundaries Bussing Students to Virginia During Winter Months ROCKVILLE, MD – After more than a week of snow days caused by a single snowstorm, Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS) announced Tuesday that it will temporarily redraw school boundaries t…

Huge announcement from MCPS!

Marc Elrich, Will Jawando Propose ‘Snow Stabilization’ Bill to Limit Amount of Snowfall on Montgomery County ROCKVILLE, MD – Citing the unfair burden that unregulated snowfall places on residents, County Executive Marc Elrich and Councilmember Will Jawando announced a bold new proposal this week tha…

“If your snowfall goes up 12 inches overnight, but your shovel capacity stays the same, that’s not sustainable. That’s gouging.”

Stop Work Order Issued to Children Building Igloo Without Permit TAKOMA PARK, MD – A group of local children building an igloo were issued an immediate stop work order Tuesday after Montgomery County officials responded to anonymous online complaints that …

“One of them said, ‘We're just trying to have some fun.’ I'm sorry, Billy, but there’s nothing fun about structural deficiencies.”

Takoma Park Installs Little Free Snow Shovel Libraries to Express Compassion for Thieves TAKOMA PARK, MD – In an effort to offer restorative justice after multiple reports of snow shovels being stolen from front porches, city officials announced plans to install Little Free Snow …

“If someone takes your shovel, that’s not a crime. It’s a conversation. Preferably one you have with yourself about abundance.”

Vigil Planned to Mourn Destruction of Window on Cockerille Avenue TAKOMA PARK, MD – City activists announced plans Sunday night for a candlelight vigil honoring the shattered front window of a Cockerille Avenue home, following what police are calling a comp…

“I don’t really follow national controversies. I follow glazing standards. And that window was original. You can’t just replace that with something from Home Depot.”

Big They is always hiding information from us!

TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – The Takoma Park Silver Spring Co-Op announced this week that it will open a second location inside the proposed “Sphere” at National Harbor, a smaller replica of the Las…

TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble

United States Ruining Canada’s Property Value OTTAWA, CA – Canada is demanding the United States stop acting like the neighbor who stores run-down cars on the lawn and insists they’re “projects,” after American behavior in the past year …

“We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”

What a year, huh? Lemon It's the first Wednesday of 26.

Is it legal to go into another country and kidnap their president? Asking for a 340 million friends.

It's glorious!

Department of War to Rename WWII Bomber ‘Enola Trump Gay’ WASHINGTON, DC – The Department of War announced it will rename the World War II bomber Enola Gay to Enola Trump Gay, calling it a necessary update to reflect President Trump’s lifelong commi…

“This is the kind of bomb you drop once and then talk about forever..."

Montgomery County to Require 2.5 Parking Spaces per Nativity Set WHEATON, MD – Citing concerns about holiday traffic, Montgomery County officials announced this week that all residential properties must now provide a minimum of 2.5 off-street parking space…

“If the Messiah were born today, we would absolutely want him arriving in a way that minimizes the impact on our single-family neighborhoods.”

It's too bad the town's rope committee was disbanned in 1900

MoCo Makes History By Appointing First Ever Dead Historic Preservation Commissioner WHEATON, MD – The Montgomery County Council took a visionary leap toward modernizing bureaucracy by confirming the appointment of its first-ever dead resident to the Historic Preservation Com…

Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.

Amplified Street Preacher Annoyed By Gas Leaf Blower Interrupting Sermon SILVER SPRING, MD – Downtown’s most unignorable loudspeaker-using street preacher, Pastor Donny “Decibel” Daniels, is reportedly outraged after a gas-powered leaf blower allegedly disrupted h…

“The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”

If nothing, we are all about facts

Please do

Nation Shocked by Boomer Announcing Retirement Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move other Boomers are calling “treason against our generation,” Nancy Pelosi stunned her peers this morning by announcing she …

“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”

MoCo Executive Marc Elrich Visits China to Learn How to Build Great Wall Around Bethesda BEIJING, CHINA – County Executive Marc Elrich announced he is in China this week, specifically to study the Great Wall so he can build a full-scale replica around Bethesda, protecting the res…

#StopBethesdafication