BeTheCookie

It’s Friday and you deserve to have a little fun, in spite of the horrors. I, for example, will be laying our straw bed over fence pales and beating the filth from it with an oaken stave

whoever has my voodoo doll please stop making it crave meatloaf

I saw a clickbait article about how the owner of In-and-Out is facing backlash for refusing to remove Bible verses from their cups. It reminds me of how I got canceled for refusing to say babies and animals are dumb and ugly. The story is relatable to me because it didn't happen either.

got out one of my Spring jackets today and guess what i found in the pocket? the city of atlantis

It’s been over two years since I’ve had a good pear🍐

Some will often say that the cover-up is worse than the crime.

When it comes to Trump-Epstein, the crime itself is worse than the cover-up.

id probably do more now
if i didnt know about later

Changed my phone's wallpaper for the first time in six years, because I deserve a little symbolism as a treat.

on sunday nights i like to make a list of my regrets, then bake them into a sad and bitter casserole

it's over. I'm done. Columbia House finally found me

Advertisement:
"Give your Sweetheart some sweets this Valentine's day"

Wilford Brimley: {disappointed sigh}

hey there. you. yeah, you. let me come over to your house and judge your junk drawer

Every press conference needs a question about how exactly China will cancel all hockey games if Canada makes a trade deal with them.

Make him explain it and not sound insane.

At this point, every Republican elected official (especially the local positions like township road commissioner, village trustee, etc.) should be relentlessly quizzed about their support for rapists and pedos. They might want to act like they have nothing to do with it, but they are wrong.

RELEASE. ALL. EPSTEIN. FILES. NOW! Let America see Unredacted Epstein Files. Vote Dems into control of both house of congress. Impeach. Convict. Remove. Prosecute. Imprison. Repeat for EVERYONE complicit.

[logging on]

me: hi it’s me

google: (eyes narrow) no it isn't

Cool pedestal you got there. It sure would be a shame if I don't care.

The president out here playing 5D chess by distracting everyone from how much of an authoritarian pedo he is by displaying his blatant racist side.

we got your genetic tests back and it’s definitely maybelline

They should just add a T to the name for him, but at the end of the- Dullest
Looks right to me.

The Trojans had an impregnable fortress, mostly because that giant wooden horse was filled with condoms and angry dudes who had vasectomies.

imagine being a rapper named MC Nice going into a big rap battle but then they announce your opponent is named MC Nicer… WHAT! well he sounds like a good guy

BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER TO EAT CARRION SOMETIMES BUT MOSTLY TO COMMIT UNTHINKABLE ATROCITIES.

Quiet you. Just let the rich people tell us what to do

BREAKING: punxsutawney phil has fled the country

Imagine being mad at me and I'm just over here in my nightgown and cap holding a little candle on a plate

#AbolishICE

There's no I in loads of words, bro